Wow! what a trip the last few months have been!
If I was going to sum up the knowledge I’ve gained it would go something like this:
If you have a garden and you want to have birds in your garden, you don’t go and catch the birds in a cage and let them out in your garden. If you do this then they will just fly away. However, if you make a garden that birds want to be in, then you don’t have to do anything, the birds will come by themselves. In the end what you will find is that your garden is so nice that it actually doesn’t matter if birds are there or not. It’s just nice to exist within your garden regardless. If a bird wants to come hang out in my garden that’s cool, but really I don’t care, I’m having a good time anyway.
Anyway here is my story:
The first time I seriously tried no-fap I got to 65 days and relapsed. It felt awful. About a month of on and off fapping followed that relapse but then I was back on the wagon and I finally achieved my goal of 90 days. Now im here I find it surprising that it is nothing like how I thought it would be. I don’t have superpowers. Im not a ladies man. Ive barely gotten laid (once only). But surprisingly none of that bothers me. But it sure did when I was fapping. Actually I have realized how fleeting and insubstantial sex really is. Most of my life since adolescence was spent either drinking, smoking weed, taking acid, fapping and generally feeling like shit about myself. This whole time though I was confusing sensual pleasure (pleasure in regards to senses) for the deep sense of fulfilment that comes from accomplishment, achieving your goals, physical fitness and clarity of mind. I was always looking for happiness, just in all the wrong places.
Sure sometimes I still look at a girl and think “wow she’s pretty hot!” But then I usually just think: “would it really make me happy to be with her? Would she love me for who I am?” The answer is always: “No it wouldn’t. No she wouldn’t. It would always be conditional.” That sounds like I’m being down on myself or other people but I’m really not. I find I have a great compassion for others, more so now than ever before. But when you try and catch a bird in a cage, like in my metaphor at the start, you are founding a relationship upon conditions. And that is doomed to end in misery. You are better off steering clear my friend.
Actually it’s a huge relief to not care if I have a girlfriend or not. I see a huge amount of people on no-fap who are basically pining after girls even though they are abstaining from fapping. But this seems counter-intuitive for me. Because when they eventually break up they just relapse because they feel lost. What I think I most of us are really trying to do is get away from is the idea that we need women to be complete. It’s as if we think we are one half of a whole and there needs to be a women in our lives otherwise we can’t be really happy. This is the real delusion that afflicts most of us. It’s not fapping or objectifying women, but thinking that we need something else to be complete. We already are complete, we just haven’t realized it. The truth is that sex is just another thing to do: it actually doesn’t matter a whole lot! Why should we think of it any different than most other things we do in life.
Now I have this perspective I find that I have really gotten on to do quite a bit in my time since I started no-fap. My grades in Uni have gone up dramatically! I take a real interest in my course and my future career. I’m doing a musical performance unit at uni and I get to perform at the end of the semester, which is pretty awesome and challenging! I starting doing judo and I find the accomplishment from learning how to defend yourself to be very satisfying. I’ve been reading tonnes of books, from author like Alexander Dumas, John Steinbeck and Kurt Vonnegut. I’ve been meditating a huge amount and found a really great place in my life to propagate peacefulness, kindness and self-compassion.
Anyway I hope you all get what you want and find a path to true happiness!
LINK – My 90 Day report: No super powers? No girlfriend? No problem!