Background I am 20 years old. I am male. I discovered masturbating at age 10, watching porn semi-frequently around this age too, and around 12 (when I got my own computer), began to watch heavier porn.
I always had a fetish even before the pornography (I blame certain childhood experiences), and that fetish has evolved into things that I would never want to happen to people I know in real life. All of my encounters in bed with women have resulted in limp dick. In fact, I’m still technically a virgin, which is a sad fact since I am above average looking and in a college swarming with beautiful women. I never had problems getting morning wood. In that regard I actually always had morning wood (even when I fell to sleep I had a boner). I believe this was a habit because I would hardcore fantasize before I went to sleep. My fantasies were just as strong as the pornography; I would get erections instantaneously throughout the day whenever I stopped and had a moment to think. It’s frightening to look back at some of the places/times I’ve had these fantasies. Also, I’ve had one girlfriend, but it was never anything much (not really sexual), and I would call myself extremely lucky. Lastly, I don’t ever really masturbate without porn. And if I do, it’s with fantasies.
I’ve been fighting with pornography addiction since the start of August, 2013. I’ve relapsed around a dozen times. My first try I lasted 75 days. And I felt strong beneficial effects on day 5-10, and day 30-44. My second try I lasted 160 days, with two times masturbating (no porn) and a few instances of erotic material. There were strong benefits on day 40-50, and other benefits that permeated through and became normal as the streak carried on.
The belief in nofap is there, just the determination needs to be solidified. I need to get porn out of my life. I need to get my life back. I am going to post here on this thread everyday (as best as I can), talking about the benefits, struggles, and consequences of this process. By doing this, it will help me to undergo what all of us are fighting against.
Benefits: (Those marked with X is what I have personally experienced)
- No Brain Fog (X)
- More Confidence/Less Social Anxiety (X)
- More Energy/Focus (X)
- Vivid Dreams (X)
- Can Remember Dreams Better (X)
- Deeper Voice (Somewhat)
- Cleaner Skin (Somewhat)
- Hair Growth (X – Surprisingly, yes. I was balding a bit on my hairline before)
- Muscle Growth
- Growth Spurt/Height
- Better Face Complexion (X): My eyes stand out more. My facial expression changes more often, and no longer looks “glossed-over” or gloomy
- Unstifled/Don’t Care What People Think (X)
- Larger Range of Emotions (X)
- More Libido
- Wet Dreams (X)
- Need Less Sleep (X)
- Greater Perceivance of Emotions/Signals (X): This deserves some clarification. I’m better able to emphasize/understand people’s emotions (and my own), and I am also able to pick up on signals/suggestions more easily (this includes attraction and implications of a person’s tonality).
- Install a porn/trigger blocker on your laptop and phone. Have a close friend/family member make a password for you so that only they can know the password and take off the blocker. If you have nobody that you can trust, make it hard for yourself to put the password in. What do I mean by this? I’ll tell you what I did: I wrote each letter/number of the password chronologically throughout a small book and locked the book in a lockbox. That way, if I ever get the urge, I’d have to open the box, go through the small book and manually type in each character. This may reduce your temptation and may give you time to reconsider the consequences.
- Reduce your time on the internet drastically. It’s my belief that we use the internet (utmost at least) to stimulate ourselves, whether its through a television show, movies, video games, reddit, or funny memes and pictures. I find that if I stimulate myself a little bit, I crave more, and this can spiral into pornography. I also tend to reduce my time on the internet because I want to keep my mind away from “fantasies”.
- In accordance to my suggestion above, I also believe that we can rewire our brains more quickly if we cut out ties in the digital world/media (not news though). I adopted this practice because of an idea that humans are naturally adapted to know/thrive/and live with around 150 people. However, in this digital age, one of those 150 people can be a celebrity figure that we know. Of course, we may not know them personally or have ever seen them, but they are someone that we know and “follow”. I believe if we cut out unnecessary ties, i.e. what Britney Spears did with her hair or what Kanye West said to Taylor Swift, we give space to people – real life people – who will fit into our group of 150. Replacing “fantasy people” with “reality people”, in my belief, grounds us further into reality. Furthermore, I know that my ties with reality grow stronger if my memories linger to real-life interactions rather than movie/porn scenes.
- This is a lesson I’ve learned, but I also find it very important so I’d like to put it under suggestions. As your mind readjusts itself to not seek porn when under stress, you’ll look for alternate cravings, whether it be junk food, funny videos, biting your nails, or even sleep. Yes, I have felt strangely sleepy during prior reboots, and at first I took naps to get rid of the tiredness. It was only later that I realized that I wasn’t physically tired, rather my brain was searching for any sort of gratification in replacement of porn. If you fight through the tiredness head on, you will feel refreshed within 15-30 minutes I find.
- One method I have been practicing recently is to drop the thought of porn and fapping altogether. This includes the thought of NoFap, this site, the entire process, and my day counter. Instead, I focus only when I update this thread and look at articles afterward for a 10-20 minutes period. In this way I will – instead of lightly focusing on the topic throughout the day – look at it thoroughly in a short period of time. Of course, this method may not work for everyone, and some people will need to focus on the thought of NoFap and their day counter anytime they get the chance to. But give it a shot if you haven’t already; I think it’s working well for me.
Lessons I’ve Learned
- Just because you have done good at something, does not mean you should reward yourself. Sometimes, this may even set yourself back. At the least, make sure this reward is constructive and not detrimental to your process. (Ex. Eating pizza as a reward for losing fat at the gym).
- Never, ever, ever, ever give up. There is no such thing as too far gone. We have seen this theme resonate throughout countless books and movies. It permeates throughout reality as well, only it is harder to see.
- I truly believe this is a quality battle more than a quantity one. We can’t just wait for time to change us, but we have to use time to change ourselves. In other words, don’t be lazy on your schoolwork, start snacking away on junk food, or sleep overtime just because you think in 90 days your bad habits will all go away. I believe if we push our limits now – by working hard, eating healthy, and sleeping well – our body will throw us stress tests more frequently. If we overcome these stress tests, this will make progression because we will replace stress –> PMO, with stress –> healthy habit, and this will rewire our brains more quickly.
- Sometimes I have this idea (more of an excuse) to watch porn because I think that I can become that better person (porn-free person) whenever I choose to. Thus, I rationalize watching porn during that day because I believe that tomorrow I will start the journey. This mindset is poisonous, as it diminishes your willpower in the longrun, and it becomes a bad habit. You will keep telling yourself this whenever the idea of watching porn comes up, and this idea will play a part in other aspects of your life. It’s like taking a warm shower and staying in there for more than you need to: you don’t want to go out to the real world just yet because you know you will soon enough, you just want to relax a few more minutes…
- Many people (at least me) were raised thinking that the person who achieved something AGAINST ALL ODDS is incredible and amazing. This is true, but not in the sense that I’m speaking in. If you can turn those odds in your favor before pursuing your goal, rather than pursuing the goal regardless of the odds, then you should plan ahead of time before executing. No-fap isn’t a game; it’s an addiction that is holding you back in life. You have to make it as easy as possible for yourself. What I mean is this: don’t sit in your room all day on your laptop because you feel “excited” about the challenge. Instead, only use your laptop in public areas. Or for another example: install the k9 blocking filter for yourself rather than challenging yourself to avoid certain websites.
- You can only get better from here. People will only start noticing the good things, not the bad, because you started from “the bad”.
- If you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse.
- Get busy living, or get busy dying.
- Thoughts –> Words –> Actions –> Habits –> Values –> Destiny
- A man who can’t bear to share his habits is a man who needs to quit them.
Other Habits I’m Trying to Break/Form:
- Stretch 5-10min morning & night.
- Medidate 10 min morning & night.
- Weightlift/exercise at least once every two days.
- Paleo diet – no dairy, grains.
- No junk food/soda.
- Sit/stand up straight.
- No Cracking Knuckles.
- When people laugh, don’t assume they are laughing AT you.
- Consistently drink water.
- Eat more salt and less sugar.
- Intermittent Fasting
- Better Quality Sleep (no laptop/light before bed)
Day 169-173: I believe I’m going through a hard flatline. This one is tougher than anything I’ve ever experienced. Boredom, boredom, boredom. Hardly anything pleases me or makes me happy. I can’t even bring myself to open netflix and watch something. The only thing I can get excited for is food, and I yearn to keep eating until I cannot continue eating.
My face is itchy, whiteheads are more prevalent, and face is more red and inflamed. I don’t believe it’s due to anything I’ve changed in my skincare routine, but rather my hormones jumping all over the place. The same goes for my hair, which feels thin, unhealthy, and is falling out more than usual.
My dreams are getting more vivid though, and I am having a mixture of either dreams with real life people, or dreams with pornography. I feel easily anxious, tired, and stressed throughout the day. I know it cannot last like this forever and I just have to ride out this flatline.
Day 174-190: These past few weeks have been a blur. Sure, they’ve been tough. I still believe I’m in a flatline. It’s hard to make eye contact and conversation. But I know I am rebooting. I can feel my head click together from time to time, and my dreams are becoming deeper and stronger. I’ve also been getting strong urges, but I never linger on them. I’m still not satisfied with my current situation because I still get flustered over little things like my appearance.
One thing I recommend doing is fasting. Fasting is known to have positive effects that counter mental depression and fatigue. When last I fasted, I felt that I had low energy for a time, but I felt that my body was replenishing itself. I also felt as though my brain was rewiring to my penis. In addition to this, I also recommend good sleep. Go to sleep early and don’t set an alarm clock. Wake up naturally. You’d be surprised at how long you actually need sleep, and how refreshing you feel afterwards.
I’d also like to mention the importance of consistency. Don’t pump yourself with motivation all in one day, thinking that will fuel your willpower to fight off porn addiction for the rest of your life. Take it slow. Read a few articles a day about porn addiction, or watch an informative video once a day. But don’t binge on information for the sake of abstaining for one day. Of course, DO THIS if you have very strong urges and feel like you are close to relapsing. But you should not be doing this if you are bored and are WAITING for yourself to feel better. Instead, TRY to pick up another habit. You don’t have to pick up five habits altogether. Just one habit is good enough. It will be hard AT FIRST. Expect this. It’s hard to read the first few pages or the first chapter of a book. But once you get into the swing of things, your brain will adapt to this new, healthy form of stimuli and you’ll be much happier.
Overall I’m feeling a little better. My brain fog seems to be wearing off, but my motivation and libido isn’t back yet. I know it’s working because of the dreams, but I acknowledge that this will take time because I started watching porn at a very young age BEFORE any sexual encounters, and I was the type that surfed for novelty for several hours before ejaculating. Try fasting if possible, aim for consistency, and stay strong brothers.
Day 191-203: Wow guys. This entire break off from school I was clean! I’m proud of myself. This is the first school break where I haven’t gone through a relapse of some sort. I’m going to start my semester off with 203 days behind me. That’s fucking awesome!
To be honest, these past weeks have been a little rough. But at the same time, I feel that I AM getting better. I am seeing myself better. I understand my complexes better, why I think certain ways, and why that can harm/help me. I am more self-aware, and following that I am more whole-hearted, grateful, and vocal with myself. I am seeing myself as I truly am, as a being. I am starting to become my own cheerleader and supporter, and incorporating inspiration and motivation to my daily life.
These are the things that I can say for certain has changed: voice has become deeper (I notice it becomes higher when I’m anxious); less anxiety when public speaking (I still feel anxious around people, but can present myself properly when speaking); facial and skin complexion is better (not using and soap or body lotion, but my skin seems more tan and natural); more willpower (have been working harder and spending less time dicking around on the internet), increased self-awareness (I catch bad thoughts quickly and turn them around to good thoughts), greater sense of my body (I have more of a feeling for what muscles are under-worked, and I stretch more often); greater sense of social cues (I can tell often what a person is thinking/feeling); better humor (I make people laugh a lot sometimes); better body (working out hard and caring more about my posture); music is deeper (I love music now); less afraid to pursue problems (I organize myself more and am less afraid to leap into the unknown).
Where I’m at: Had two wet dreams back to back just a day ago. I feel zapped of energy because of them. I can still function well and make jokes while sober, but eye contact is hard. I feel less tired throughout the day, but it’s hard to sleep. Dreams are now vivid every day for the past 1-2 weeks. I have sensitive blue balls.
Important lesson I’m learning: When trying to get rid of urges, I found out that what’s most important is not getting rid of the bad thought, but how you react to the bad thought. If you jump up and down, breathe short breaths, and shake your head like a mad man, then I don’t think you are dealing with these bad thoughts in the right way. Instead, you should breathe deeply, let the thought pass out of your head, while telling yourself that you should not think of this because you am not that type of person. I find reacting like this, while breathing slowly as if the thought had no effect, is the best way to fight urges. The same thing goes for things like videos. There are times when I would not watch an instructional yoga/fitness video simple because the instructor is a girl that looks pretty cute. I would shut off the video because I was afraid that I might crumble to the ground and relapse. Now I realize that’s not the proper thing to do. The right thing to do is to acknowledge that she may be pretty, but that it’s not the most important thing, and not every girl is out there to get fucked or fuck you. I would think of the girl as a person, not something sexual. I would try to guess things about her: where she grew up, how old she is, what kind of job she has. But most importantly I would look at girls and react to them more as people now, and I think that’s healthy.
Day 204-210: I believe I am feeling better. Eye contact is stronger, voice is deeper, words are more clear, I say “hi” more, I’m more in control of my feelings, and I can focus better. The benefits are settling in, and I’m enjoying each day of my life now. I am meditating, taking cold showers, sleeping full, eating paleo, working out regularly (high intensity), and pushing myself harder. Things are looking on the upside. My face looks more defined (I can see myself clearer and my facial expressions aren’t dead), my eyes are brighter, and I walk more properly. My dreams are intense and blue-balls may get intense sometimes too. Sensitivity to my penis is definitely there, and libido seems to be slowly increasing.
It has been an awesome journey. Today I stumbled upon an awesome NoFap post. http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2v8aw4/i_found_an_old_journal_of_my_grandfathers_and/
It reminds me of the importance of journaling. There have been times throughout my journey where everything fell into place, and I felt that life was magic. I wish I had recorded those moments, so I could capture those feelings again. I will now promise myself to journal the lessons that I am learning as I grow as a man, so that I can learn myself better, and so that I may someday teach my children.
Day 211-217: This week has been very strong. I’ve been talking to people A LOT more. I’ve said “hi” to new people, and to acquaintances A LOT more. I can talk to girls now and not break eye contact. I can hold my cool. I breathe deeply and understand my emotions better. I can FEEL my stress and I can control it better. I understand how I work better and I am dealing with my insecurities in a healthy manner. I am changing my mindsets, especially around girls and social behavior, and I feel that I am asserting myself better in the social world.
There are days when I feel extremely tired, and I do notice a general trend of not feeling good after a wet dream. (Last week I had five wet dreams out of seven days. It was NUTS (pun intended)). I can feel myself become tired if I eat crap food, and I can feel the benefits from reading a good book & meditating. If I can say it in one sentence, it’s that I feel MORE ALIVE.
Urges come and go, but I am learning to deal with them, not by shielding myself, but by actively thinking over my emotions and the way I react to certain things. For example, if there were a bikini scene in a movie, I wouldn’t avert my eyes away, but I wouldn’t oggle and day-dream. Instead, I would acknowledge the person, look at the person’s face, and know that I should not be so sexually aroused towards a person I do not even know (OR does not even exist in my physical reality).
I feel that from here on the benefits will continue to grow and I will start to “normalize”. The best I can offer is to track my progress to give you guys encouragement and motivation. So I will from here on out begin to list certain things that have DEFINITELY IMPROVED since the course of my 217 day streak:
- I smile more.
- My work focus is A LOT better. I can retain and conjure up images much better.
- My willpower is stronger (cold showers every day, eat healthier food without second thought, strong meditation sessions)
- I talk to girls more. There were days in the past where I wouldn’t say anything to a girl for entire days. Now I talk to them at least once each day.
- I laugh and make jokes more. Overall I have also become optimistic.
- I have more self-awareness (I catch myself doing things I shouldn’t)
- Acne is gone. Coincidence? Eh.
- Healthier-looking penis (really. It even looks bigger.)
- Reduced urges
BY – AnHonestSoul