I made the commitment to stop watching porn on May 27. Since then, I haven’t relapsed once. I got serious with a girl I cared about, a girl I had been with in the past but broke off from, mostly because of the symptoms that come with this addiction.
I explained all of it to her out of the blue and we kind of reengaged.
Well, I saw her for the first time since kicking my addiction a few days ago and had flawless sex. I have never had sex like this, it was natural, it felt fulfilling, and it was sustainable.
This isn’t a brag post, so much as it is a message of reassurance for those of you out there wondering, “Will this really work? Will it really make a difference?” It will. It does.
They say it takes 2-3 months to ‘reset’. I say, in this time, focus on bettering yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally. I tried to do this, and I feel like I came out a much better person than the one I went in as. You can do it. Stay strong and think about how fulfilling it will be to share this experience with someone you care about.
It can be very difficult to stop when you don’t have someone to go to, but you must remind yourself that you’re preparing yourself for the future, for the rest of your life, a life that should be filled with love.
EARLIER POST – This is 20: Porn-afflicted ED
After several years of heavy porn usage (I’m 20) I have lost the ability to voluntarily become aroused without pornography. I cannot get hard masturbating without porn, I cannot ejaculate without porn, I cannot get hard even when I am with an attractive female unless I have morning wood. A typical pornography fap session lasts from 1-2 hours, made up of 20-30 videos, though often exceeding when possible, and has taken place multiple times per week for the past several years. For this I am wholly desensitized. I tend to think of women in terms of their sexuality, incessantly judging their features and immediately determine their worth to me based on their physical attractiveness. In conjunction with this, I am also fairly lucky genetically, being 6’4, slim, and very fit. Because of the thousands of hours I spent on porn, critically selecting and analyzing the most unrealistic and disproportionate bodies on earth, I am ceaselessly working to perfect my own body, and after years, I am starting to achieve something to admire. In this way, porn has fueled an extreme form of narcissism that deprives me of the ability to share passion with another person because I am so focused on myself while also disappointed with their self. A normal human body is nearly repulsive at this point, after focusing on such a high degree of beauty and lust. To make a loose analogy, minus the violent urges, it reminds me of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. The opening monologue when he is in the shower, speaking of perfecting his body and the eroticism of it. Perhaps some of you have seen Shame. You could say my life reflects that. In many ways that is the basis. But now as I mature, I realize how badly I have messed up. When you’re young and naive, jerking off is an occupier. Perhaps even helpful because it can prevent a broken heart. But as you grow older you realize you want to love and be loved. I already lost one series relationship over this. I see I have a very tall wall to overcome now. It’s been 20 days since I last used pornography. Every day now is a struggle as I begin to grow more restless. I still don’t believe I can become aroused or ejaculate without it, and being left half way in between is one of the worst feelings imaginable so I have avoided anything sexual all together. I have a girl that I care about, back in my college town. I may see her soon, at the end of July. I don’t know how long it will take to reset my brain, but I hope to be able to function this time. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling nothing at all. I have never ventured here because I didn’t really know what it was about, but it’s very late and I figured I would share my story:
I am a porn addicted narcissist with all the physical gifts in the world, unable to use them.
If you’re here, you likely already have watched porn, but I urge you, for your own sake, for your loved one’s sake, do not fall into its lustful trap.
It skews your perception, it changes your values, and ultimately destroys your ability to feel what is natural.