Today is my first year sober, and I have turned off my timer a month ago. My dad (2 and half years sober – his is a porn addiction as well) a few weeks ago told me that there comes a time where you have to move on from the number. You have to own it, and can’t let the number own you. A year seperated and I have found the hardest thing for me….is being at peace with myself and not allowing the anxieties of my natural attractions and daily life to overtake and dominate my mind and body.
Everytime I feel attracted to something or someone I feel as if I am betraying my Girlfriend. Everytime I have anxiety I’m reminded of the “easy way out”. I sometimes feel like im missing out on porn and forget about he guilt and shame, but shake myself out of it through music composition or running, or just basic communication. Another thing that helps is to recall the fact that I was basically mutalating my penis by jerking off for hours and hours.
I’ve come close in my first year on occasion but the accountability and communication my girlfriend and I have for each other make it to where if I were to relapse it would be a huge betrayal to her. And I love her and would never want to hurt or betray her. Now that my daily life has an effect on someone else it makes my ability to practice self control a little bit easier.
The point of me saying all this is to show that even at a year it can still feel like an uphill battle at times. But I believe it’s who you surround yourself with that makes the biggest difference. And moments like this where you look up and realize “oh shit…..It’s been a year”
I started single in this journey, my advice is to start with a Counselor. The one thing I was taught was that the place you need to be is where you are most afraid. I went 3 months just with a Counselor and single. Talking with a Counselor will help you both get connected and give you a basis to start from.
im 20
LINK – 365 Days
by dmills819
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