What a ride it has been. If someone told me a year ago that I could become what I am now, I would laugh at them. But now I’m quite speechless.
Okay, first of all a little bit of background history:
As many of you, My PMO addiction started when I was around 13 years old (now I’m 21). I still remember the first scene that I watched. To my little comprehension, it was incredible that our body could give us such pleasure just by “cleaning the sword”. Of course I didn’t thought there was a bad side of it at all. I started fapping everyday.
Then puberty came. The kid that I was, who didn’t gave a shit for what anyone could think, who always had a smile on his face, who was always greeted with joy, suddenly died. Darkness eclipsed his soul. The world that once invited him to live suddenly became a shithole of monsters. There was no way he could understand what was happening around him. The damsel of fear wove a cocoon around him. Solitude ripped off the smile of his face. He could see nothing but his mental prison that self-induced pleasure had build.
Years passed by, and when I look to who I was during 13-20, all I see is a puppet. I’m convinced that a lot of you could relate to this. We were no longer ourselfs. Our mind was hijacked by lust. I felt as if the only place I could be myself was secluded in my own home. Videogames gave me the satisfaction of achieving goals. Hours spent watching animes replaced the need of social interaction.
Why would I need to make an effort to be with people? Who are they that act as if they were worthy of my presence?… My ego morphed into a merciless dragon who confined me into the hollowed bastion that became my heart.
Few months ago, a friend of mine told me about nofap. My first reaction was a variant of incredulity. I didn’t believe that fapping could have any real repercussion on my demeanour. So I didn’t even think about doing it. And so my fapping journey continued. However, I started questioning myself often, and a sequence of stressful events (one of them leading to a worrisome arrhythmic episode) forced me to thought: Hey, why not give it a chance?.
And so, my first streak was on september. 10 wonderful days. I felt fucking powerful, there were no superpowers, but wow… what a ten glorious days. I did not made a significant change, but just one thing made the effort worthy. I was, once again, smiling at the world. And the world smiled me back!! September, October, November, and so on, I went with my strikes and my relapses.
The first time I relapsed, a sad feeling tried to encroach on my mind. The fog. But humans are strong. If we fall, we raise again, stronger than ever. That’s the mentality that I build up to succes on my journey. As I knew that I was going to relapse sonner or later, I embraced that fact. I’m am the master of my body, not vice versa.
53 days ago I saw a thread where two fapstronauts were on a 11 days streak , same as I. It was the kind of encouragment I needed. Thanks to them I went 20+ days, but something was fogging my mind. Dating sites. Let me address this correctly. Dating sites are great, okay. I’ve seen a lot of success on those. But, if you are struggling with nofap, you are, as I am, not strong enough to manage the urges. I relapsed because of this. I was weak. If you start touching yourself, you are pretty much fucked up (better to relapse and start from zero).
Yeah, I relapsed… but this time was different. The light that was once stolen from me came back with the force of a thousand suns.
Here I am. 30 days. No superpowers at sight, but more a hero than never.
And now, the part that for a lot of you could be the interesting part: girls.
In summary, as you suppouse, I had no relation with a girl in all my life. Some girls kind of act friendly with me, but nothing more. And it was something that bothered me a lot. 30 days ago I found out some guys on youtube that were picking up girls as kind of a prak video. For me it was amazing how they did that, and very funny indeed. Suddenly, on one of their videos this sentence appeared:
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind
What the fuck?! that’s… what… It seems stupid, I know, but it made me feel small and big at the same time. How in the seven hells could a fucking sentence have such an impact on me?! At this day I have no answer to that. But I know I’m not the same. Everything became easier. It’s been a incredible month of new experiences, I’ll try to sum it up here now:
First week- Everything seems normal, but at the same time I know those magic words, so what the hell. On wednesday I called my friend (who introduced me to nofap) and we went to a pub, just to have fun. Erasmus party. -what are the odds- I said to myself, and my friend and I suddenly acquired new nationalities (Little context: We are on Spain and both are spaniards): I became from texas and my friend from Oklahoma (oh, more context, we have never been into the states and our english is no bueno). In just half an hour we were introducing ourselfs to cute girls, just for the fun of it. We didn’t care if they would even answer to our questions cause it was hilarious.
And that night was amazing. I talked to more girls in a night than on my entire life. Nothing more than talking and a little “dancing”. My first lesson was: You shall not give a fuck, and just go for the fun. What’s the worst thing that could happen? She rejects you? well, if she rejects you, what’s the real problem? She doesn’t really care about you, and that’s is not a problem. You just have to laugh at yourself, and if you have some friends around they will be laughing too so join them. make it a game. Life is just a game, why not have some fun?.
Second week- Okay, second week was not so interesting. I went to a pub. Drank some beers (I do not recommend to drink a lot, you have to be yourself 100%, just have one drink or two). And started kind of dancing around. A friend, who was with me that night, told me to go to talk to two girls. We went. My friend started to talk with one girl, and I took the other one to the dance floor. We dance for a while and then at the end of three or four songs she returned to her friend. Nothing happened. What was the lesson here: No drinking. Dancing is okay, but first of all you need to start a conversation to make her interested in you.
Third week- On my third week I had some tools to work with, but I committed one error: I didn’t went for the fun. Despite that I kind of got good results. I was a wingman for the first time, I had no clue how to do it, but whatever. We talked with some girls, and in a matter of seconds my friend was making out with some girl. Later that night, that same girl introduced me to her friend. I was very tired, but hey, I could still have some fun. So, again, I went directly for the dancing part because at that hour I couldn’t chat very coherently. Surprisingly she was into the dance. I felt that I was not who was in charge of the situation and I let her guide me. And… we started kissing. Reallistically It didn’t felt special because it didn’t came from me, but it was a progress. I know it sounds very self-centered, but keep in mind that I’m going out to learn how to deal with social interaction, relationship will come later. (Oh, two days later I found out she is lesbian, I don’t really know how to feel about that).
And finally the fourth week- This is the good one. Yesterday was my graduation and of course the party was going to be pretty interesting. As Barney Stinson would say: Suit up! It’s going to be legen- wait for it- dary. And yes, it was. A good image, or a good suit, it’s important to feel confident in yourself. I’m not the best looking guy in the world (Not a very symmetrical face I would say), but I’m starting to feel more confident thanks to a change of look. Jeans and shirts are a good start point. At the end of the ceremony I talked with a lot of graduates, yeah, including girls (five months ago I would not have been able to do it). It’s important to be with a smile everytime and everywere.
And one of the girls, with whom I had not spoken for a year, told me that I was looked different, like a completely different person, in a good way, she pointed out. What a boost. After the dinner, that same girl came to my table (We were all friends on that table). Jokes and puns were told, and in a matter of seconds she was sitting on my lap. Someone made comment about a kiss on the cheek and after that a little slap on the same zone. She gave me one, and it was good. But more important it was the first time I noticed the receptiveness.
So I took my chance and I said to her that it was my turn. And I went all-in for the make-out. And it worked. We spent hours like that, and nothing more has to be said, but she was trying to find somewhere where we could… you know what ;). The lesson of this week was: A good image an a smile, boost your confidence. You have to talk (I have to remember this one often). You have to feel when a girl is receptive. And finally, you have to lead the way.
A few last words. This is my experience. I konw it’s not for everyone out there, but since I’m on r/nofap, I’ve noticed that I was not so especial whatsoever. We are all pretty similar. We all have built our barriers, our own demons, and we have blamed society for it, when in reality it was all our fault. So I know that in the future there’s the possibility of relapse. I embrace it. It doesn’t mind that I want to relapse, nor that I’m not going to fight the urges.
But I know that everytime I have fallen, I have reborn stronger than ever. Like a Fenix, a relapse it’s not a death, but a resurrection. So with that in mind my journey to become the human that I originally was, continues.
This is my first long post so here is the tl;dr– You are responsible to your acts, embrace it. If you fall, you raise again. That’s life. Keep in mind this words: Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. You shall not give a fuck, and just go for the fun. Be confident, work on your image (not on a completelly superficial way, your eyes have to shine). Smile to life, and life will smile you back. Talk without fear. Look deep inside you and ask yourself: What I’m afraid of? You’ll see that it is the monster under your bed what you are afraid of. An illusory fear that you have already overcome once. Why not overcome it twice?
As i’ve stated before, I’m spanish and I’m not very good when it comes the time to express myself, so, please forgive my errors. I really hope to have made my message clear. I want nothing to return you that what you have given to me.