Time to go on a health/positive/useful rant, so buckle down, folks, because today I plan on talking about my experience since September and things that have led me to where I am today! So, to set the scene.. this past summer I set myself back to, essentially, ground zero with my PIED.
I didn’t fully lose the ability to maintain erections, but I was dabbling into kinkier material and struggling to maintain erections at times (while PMOing). So, having slumped so deep, AGAIN, I decided to take actions in September to rid myself of PMO.
From September – January I didn’t watch any porn at all. These were the glory days for me, and quite frankly some really healthy times during my most recent reboot/rewire. I’d say it took me about 45 or so days before I felt GOOD enough to get a semi hard-on, so I acted accordingly. The few sexual encounters I had between day 45 – 120 were extremely successful in terms of EQ, although I never did much more then make out with these girls. I was fine with that because I knew that I COULD take things to the next level if they wanted that. During this time I also realized I was somewhat self-conscious of my ED and PA, so I started looking for lust more than love – I just wanted experience rather than finding someone who I could really enjoy myself with.
January – mid-March I felt a little bit lost. During this time I turned to PMO about 6/7 times because I wasn’t sure what the reboot was actually doing for me. I realized I was objectifying woman and honestly didn’t appreciate that mindset at all. During this time I had an easy time staying away from porn still, but I found myself PMOing here and there, so I made a better effort to stay clean than I previously had. To help combat PMO I incorporated MO sessions, which were 1 – 3 times a week depending on how I felt, as a means of “cleaning the pipes”. This gave me confidence in my EQ and also made me realize how much longer I would last during sex if I chose to not go down the P route – these MO sessions would last 20 – 35 minutes.
Mid-March – early-April the sky’s started becoming more clear. During this time I was able to successfully have sex, and as I previously mentioned the session lasted almost an hour. It was the first time I had sex in over a year at that point, along with only the third person I’d had sex with in my life – big steps because generally I only had sex with people I felt comfortable with. This helped alleviate my PA. After that, I began feeling much more confident in myself. Heck, I even started to lose my homophobia because I felt more comfortable with my sexuality.
The past 3/4 weeks though, man have they been great. I met this new girl and she’s been great. We’ve hung-out most of the days since meeting, and although I’m not sure what she is looking for, we are certainly getting closer and fool around sometimes. Since meeting her I’ve really noticed that P is just straight up silly. Actually liking/caring about someone is ten-fold better then turning to images – even if you aren’t addicted IMO. But I think given that I have feelings for her, it’s really opened my eyes to how sad/bad objectification actually is. On a side note… I’m actually somewhat afraid to tell her how I feel because I’m really not sure if she is looking for a relationship or not, but I know that I want to try and take the next step soon.
All-in-all, I’ve learned a few things:
1.) I think for me personally, I was ready to have sex again after 5 months. Towards the end of January/beginning of February I REALLY noticed my EQ and sensitivity change – in a positive light.
2.) Finding someone that I actually have healthy feelings for has helped me drastically not care about porn. What I mean by this is someone you aren’t after because of their body/their physical appearance, but because of their personality.
3.) Watching porn always gave me a rush, resulting in every relapse always turning into me PMOing 2 – 3 times within an hour.
4.) Every time I watched porn, I always felt sad/depressed the few days after.
5.) After I recovered from PIED, I noticed that the newer (better EQ and less sensitivity) erection always came back within a week. With that said, I don’t plan on watching porn.
6.) Arguably the best.. this community is the best thing to happen to me. I’m tearing up while writing this because there is no way to put into words how appreciative I am for everything YBR has done for me. Through this site I learned about my porn addiction and was able to pin-point and eliminate other unhealthy addictions in my life. Yeah, it’s been 3 years and not everything has been perfect, but I FINALLY feel like I’m en route to living a healthier life moving forward. I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’ve developed much better social skills, I’ve made leaps I never thought I’d be able to do, I’ve consciously watched myself slip into a 6 month depression and not do anything about it, and so much more.. But I’m finally here guys. I finally consider myself successful
Oh, and just because I’ve recovered doesn’t mean I’ll be leaving this forum anytime soon. I still plan on posting updates on my journal, although they will be more about how things are going in my life (relationships, addictions, feelings, rants, and so forth).
This addiction has been the most bittersweet experience in my life, and I’m so excited to use these experiences as a means of helping others in my own way. Much love and I look forward to talking with some of you on the forums! Cheers!
So please note, this is a re-post from my journal. I’m planning on focusing this towards the last 9 months of recovery, but details regarding my first 2 years can be found in my journal (in my