I haven’t posted from almost one year, but a totally fortuitous occurrence sent me back on memory lane and reminded me of my battle against porn, and how I beat the beast – and how awesome and positive this community was and is. I was taking a gender studies class and for my homework I had an essay on a subject of my choice. I chose the construction of masculine identity for recovering sex and porn addicts (hell, I had ample experience to back my research after countless nights spent contemplating how a failure of a man I was).
I revisited, not without emotion, this forum, caught up with the people I was following and stuff. It was overwhelming but in a good sense. A lot of my virtual brothers-in-arms are doing better now. Nothing could have made me happier.
I decided to update you guys about my successes but also my current struggles. My account is proof porn can be defeated, but also a sobering reminder that the fight never ends, and that one battle chases the other. Let’s start with the positive side:
1. PIED is memory. I now have GREAT sex, erections are as they should be. My sexual life is fulfilling and even if I have sex pretty rarely it is always a memorable, tender, loving experience (still with the same girl I was back then). So yes porn (combined with performance anxiety no doubt) was the issue. This certainty now gives me strength.
2. PMO is a habit of the past. Actually, in a moment of depression, I tried it again. I couldn’t! I find porn boring and often repulsing. I still watch porn form time to time, but after 5 min I close the tabs because i get no rush at all. I almost developed a sociological eye, because I watched it with such detachment. I enjoy much more finding out facts about this industry: I know how deep porn can run into one’s psyche and I feel it’s one of the most disturbing phenomena of our post-industrial developed societies. HOWEVER, my goal is to NEVER VISIT a porn site again. The battle is almost won, there is no point lingering on the battlefield and strolling among the putrefying corpses of my not-so-glorious past.
The bad stuff now is that I struggle with masturbation and fantasies. It doesn’t impact my sex life but it eats up my time and I think impairs my energy levels. I MO almost every day, to all kinds of scenarios. I feel bad as often I orgasm to the thought of other girls I know, and even if I never once considered cheating on my fiancée (we will marry as soon as I get a job paid well enough to afford the wedding and moving together in our own apartment). This is eating me.
Second is that the thought of going to sensual massage is nagging me – but this (unlike masturbation or eyeing a nice looking lady in the street) is to me proper cheating, and if I do my only solution would be to break up because I can’t live with the idea I was unfaithful to the woman I vow my life to (even if she forgives me, I know she will never forget it, and me neither). Massage is like porn in a way – its passive pleasure, anonymous and casual. But I am decided to not let this creep into my life. I went too far battling my sexual demons to become THAT type of man: a liar and a cheater.
So, guys, this is it. Peace out and good luck to all those currently in this train to Pornlessville My own journey there, with some wonderful companions (yes, all of you ) really changed my life.
BY – Alexis
INITIAL POST – PIED from moderate porn usage
My case seems pretty straight-forward. When I was a teen (15-18) and was not masturbating and looking very occasionally at porn, I had rock-hard erections, sometimes so strong and immediate at the smallest stimulus that it was embarrassing and annoying. Then at 19 I started masturbating, with and without porn. Now I only masturbate to porn, regularly but not more than a usual teen (3-6 times a week). It’s hard to get arouse from touching alone, and when I do I sometimes climax without an erection and the pleasure is insignificant and brief. I tried to have sex with my fiancée, which I am in a 6 months relationship with, but I was unable to have a durable erection, as my pitiful erection died when I put on the condom. At the beginning of the “process” when I’m undressing her, discovering her body, I get decent but very fragile erections. But after cuddling a bit, oral sex (me to her) and other foreplay stuff, my sex drive, though existent, is not powerful enough to procure the glorious erection I would need for actual sex. It happened repeatedly.
Now to my porn problem. I do watch porn since 14 but not regularly. I started correlating porn and masturbating a few months ago. But I don’t fit into the escalation pattern I come across in the stories on the website. I never watched hardcore stuff! My porn is so mild it wouldn’t be considered porn by many of you. It’s an eclectic mix of nude pictures, softcore home-made videos (with girls stripping or showering, in the most extreme cases fingering themselves), educational videos about anatomy, underwear ads, more risqué movie scenes, etc. Nowhere like deviant extreme stuff. What I do with my flesh and bone partner is actually more aggressive!
So why the ED, give that I don’t seem to have the profile of a porn addict…
I’m a healthy 20 years old, practice sports and lift weights, have a good diet (no fast food, lots of meat and vegetables, cartloads of fruits, no alcohol and smoking and drugs). So is PIED the name of the problem. Thanks for your help guys!