Age 23 – I didn’t know I was a porn addict until I wasn’t one anymore.

I’ve written a few posts on this subreddit, and I try to be as active/supportive as I can. Some of you might be familiar with me, maybe not. Either way, here are my discoveries after 90 days without porn:

I was a porn addict for about 10 years, give or take. I started masturbating to porn regularly around the time I was 12 or 13, and the habit grew, expanded and spiraled out of control from there. I didn’t know it then, but now I realize that I’m a sex addict. Porn addiction is a form of sex addiction sure, so I suppose we all are. But when porn wasn’t enough, I sought out sex.

I always knew that something wasn’t right about me sexually. I loved women, loved dating women and being around them. When I was younger I was very social and confident, and had no problem meeting new people and making new friends. But that all began to change. Rejection hurts, and the more rejection I faced in my life with women amongst other things, the more I turned to porn for acceptance. Porn didn’t judge. Porn loved me for who I was. Porn was always there when I needed it. Porn provided me with beautiful women that wanted me. That sexually desired me and lusted for me, and I for them.

Sex with real people became about the orgasm, and not the connection. I lost my virginity when I was 15 years old and didn’t give one girl and orgasm until I was in college. I was a selfish lover. It must have been sometime in high school that I completely disconnected sex from love. No matter how much I loved a woman, the sex was for me.

Porn started getting out of control for me when I was 17 years old. It escalated from “lesbian action” Google searches to gay porn, incest, bestiality, hentai, cartoon, homemade, rape porn, etc. By the time I was 22 I hadn’t watched a simple “lesbian action” porn video in years. I needed dark stuff. I hated myself so much, that I would watch gay/straight punishment porn of young men like myself getting punished my dominant men/women.

All of this was clearly a way for me to express how much I hated myself at that point. This led to the dark, online searches for people in my area to “punish” me. I would search for sex online for hours, and hours on end. I started dating my first serious girlfriend when i was 18, and we dated for 4.5 years. We just broke up this past February in fact.

All the while I was dating her, I was consumed with promiscuity, punishment porn, and sexual darkness. I hid it quite well because I barely felt anything at that point (common side effect of porn addiction is loss of real emotion).

I loved my girlfriend very much, but we of course, had serious sexual problems. Mostly that I never wanted to have sex. And just my luck, she had a fetish for being dominated, how could I ever satisfy that for her, when I myself wanted the same for me. Now I recognize that a fetish like that in either a man or woman is unhealthy. But I loved her and we tried for years to fix things, but couldn’t. I didn’t realize that porn could even have been the root of my problems until I was 22. I read an article about porn addiction an it basically was an article about myself. So I decided to “quit” about nine months before we broke up. I’d go maybe two weeks? A week? then relapse. In the time I was off the stuff, our sex life would improve! But It wasn’t enough to break my addiction, so I lied to her and said I quit, while still masturbating upwards of 4-6 times a day.

Eventually we broke up. Because I knew that in order for me to get myself healthy, I needed to do something drastic in my life. The first thing I did was quit looking at porn. I relapsed twice in the first two weeks and then i never looked at the stuff again.

It’s now been 91 days since I’ve looked at porn, and it’s been 46 days since I’ve masturbated. I don’t think I ever thought that people could become someone else. Make a real change in their life. I now believe the opposite, I believe that people have all the tools in their toolbox to become whoever it is that they want to be.

I had a libido close to 0. I’d look at myself in the mirror and see a fat, useless, disgusting pig. I didn’t think I worth anyone’s love. I hated myself, didn’t think I was talented, or driven, or ambitious. I had crippling sexual anxiety, that eventually turned outright into fear of sex. I was afraid to have it. My naked body disgusted me and going into it, looking at the woman that I loved, knowing in my mind that she would hate this experience just as much as I did killed me.

Now, I see clearly. I’m focused at work. I make women laugh get their numbers. I’ve lost 20lbs since April 26th. I found a great non-denominational “all are welcome” church in my neighborhood that I go to somewhat regularly and it makes me feel good. I feel worthy of someone’s love, and time, and energy. I’m confidant that I won’t let them down, because I for once am confidant in myself and my thoughts and my opinions.

The constant state of gloom and depression that had consumed me for a decade was lifted in the first month. Colors got more colorful, my general outlook on the future got brighter, and I was no longer depressed for no reason.

Once I came out of my darkness, I fought every day for a month to get my ex-girlfriend back. I wanted to marry her. She felt lied to, she felt she couldn’t sex with me anymore and she wanted better than the man I was. And the worst part, is that she wasn’t wrong to feel that way. When I finally agreed to stop bothering her, I cried for the first time in my adult life. Which made me happy, because it showed me that I could feel things the way normal people feel things. Which I thought I couldn’t do.

Right now, things are okay. All of the depression, the loneliness, the nights where I would throw my phone across the room and lock my computer in the car to avoid a relapse and losing the woman I love was all worth the way I feel now. I couldn’t have gotten to this state of mind without all of that, and so I have no regrets about the way things transpired. I wish all of that hadn’t had to happen, but I can’t control that. All I can do is be the best me that I can and choose what I say and do in reaction to things in my life. And if I do whats right for me, I will be happy.

I couldn’t have written this 90 days ago, because I was someone else 90 days ago. Because I’ve become someone else since 90 days ago. Because people can become someone else.

For those of you beginning your journey now, know that life is hard and addiction is hard and it will be a fight every single day. You will either choose to continue your fight, or choose to give in to temptation. Keep fighting, prove to yourself that you can be someone else, someone you love. Even if the world around you is not a place that you love.

If you got this far, I hope you liked it! That’s my short 90 day journey. Can’t wait to come back and write another for 180!

best of luck, gents!