Tonight is the night I finally feel like I’ve done it, I feel human again. The past 5 years have been a nightmare, from the age of 18 I started falling deeper and deeper into this addiction
getting worse and worse and the time started to pile on. Not leaving the house, avoiding phone calls from friends and family because I was in front of the screen with my dick in my hand. Not making a sound when someone knocked on my house door for the same reason. Not feeling human.
I’ve lost count of the friendships I’ve lost, I don’t blame them, there’s only so many times you can invite someone to do something and keep getting “No” as the answer before you say fuck them. Anxiety has grown. Depression has been a constant factor in my life. I’ve forgotten what it feels to be happy unless I was in front of that screen, but that’s over now.
For the first time in 5 years I honestly know in my mind I’m never going back to that. I’m able to hold conversations with people, look them in the eye, and not have to worry if I’ve got that glazed over look in mine.
It feels like a new start, a chance to make up for all this time lost. I’ve gotten streaks before, and I’ve broken them, saying “this is the one, I’m ready to change”, then falling back into the out of addiction for another few months. 2015 has been a blur. I’ve sank to new lows this year which I won’t go into, I have done s few times before on here but that’s not me anymore so I don’t feel the need. There is a few months left in the year and I’m not expecting any super change to my life in that time, it’s the rebuilding process.
While I might have overcome one thing I still have many hurdles to get past. I’ve been laying about in bed and in front of the computer screen all day fapping with the body to prove it. That changes too, I’ve been exercising building myself back up. I’m not overweight, probably the right weight for my height and age, but I have worryingly skinny arms, moobs and a beer belly(line up ladies). Moving from my PMO addiction to a new addiction of making my body what it needs to be, is my new goal. Getting a job I want to do, going back to college(I dropped out because of..you guessed it), getting a girlfriend, building up all my broken friendships again. Living life.
All I ever seem to do when I post on here is rant, not really offering the sage like advice that some of you other inspiring NoFappers do, but I hope someone does read this who is struggling in the same situation and gets something from it, because trust me.
If this scumbag can get over all the shit I’ve been through, there’s hope for you yet. It does get better. And when it does, that’s when this starts to make sense. None of these superpowers that people talk about. There’s nothing superhuman about being yourself, but when you’re struggling through this addiction that’s the one thing that you’re not, yourself.