I first discovered porn via my brother unintentionally, he used to keep a CD collection of ripped games (This was early 2000’s), most of which were Red Alert 2, Jedi Knight, Jedi Knight II, Sim City 2000 etc etc. One day, I saw a new CD that was in a black case that was buried in his desk, yes I was a little prick for snooping through his stuff, but I had no friends, and gaming was my only outlet to relieve stress and have fun since human interaction was scarce to none beyond my parents and siblings. On this CD was some really low quality porn.
I had no idea what it was, but of course my young mind that had just begun puberty was going crazy at the sight of it.. It was literally a snowball effect from there, I started searching around the internet was every page was just a bunch of crappy HTML, and everyone was torrenting stuff using Kazaa and Limewire. I found it so easy and accessible, to where I was masturbating at least 3 times a day.. Keep in mind I was only 13-14 at this time, which I guess by some standards would be considered normal for a teenager. However, it never stopped… I was always too beta to talk to girls, or even attempt to get them to look my way. I wasn’t a bad looking guy by any means, I just had no courage. Fast forward to me being 17, still haven’t gotten laid or anything, and I’m still watching porn ritualistically every day, masturbating at least 3-4 times per day, note the two words AT LEAST… I hadn’t even heard that an addiction like this could even be a real thing, I was just under the impression that it’s just normal for a guy my age.
A few months after my 17th birthday, I finally got a girlfriend, and we’re finally about to have sex for the first time.. I was a virgin and had absolutely no idea what I was doing, nor any idea of what I should feel. But when we finally started having sex, it felt like nothing, there was no sensation at all. My heart was racing because I didn’t want to screw it up, and I was thinking that I was doing something wrong, but I really just couldn’t feel much. We ended up stopping because I just couldn’t do it anymore.. That was the last time I would have sex for the next 2 years because I was just too nervous and worried that I was doing something wrong. My porn addiction continued to worsen during this time.. What did it matter? I had no one else to please, it was easy and readily available whenever I wanted it and there was no one else’s expectations that I had to meet in bed.
After I graduated High School I immediately enlisted in the Marines and worked in IT. Now there’s a pretty heavy porn addiction across the board for the Marines, especially while deployed as the guy to girl ratio is 1000:1. This further perpetuated in my mind that what I was doing was okay. However I had multiple TB of porn on a external hard drive. I took this drive with me EVERYWHERE. I even had a 64 GB SD card with porn on it loaded onto my phone, and I’d take ‘bathroom breaks’ just to get what I needed done. However again, this was normal to me, because all of the Marines had a porn collection to some extent, however no one had anything like mine, I was even admitting it to people..
Fast forward to my final deployment, I was in a foreign country (Decided to remove location for privacy), I was staying in this nice villa right outside the base, I had my own giant room in the villa, with a lock, and no one bothered me. I only had to work about once every two weeks writing up configuration scripts that I developed in a virtual environment for units that were deploying forward. So that was two weeks where all I had was spare time, I’d go to the gym, eat and sleep. But every day, I was now watching porn at least 6 times per day. I was starting to get scabs on my junk and it was hurting, but I kept doing it because I felt this need that I had to otherwise I couldn’t leave my room.
Here was where the turning point began.. I reconnected with a girl I had went on two dates with in high school on Facebook.. We started off great, things were going wonderfully, we would talk every night, she would distract me from my addiction. But something was still wrong with me, at times I would pretend that something had come up for work (Which wouldn’t because I only worked once every two weeks) just so I could get off the phone and watch porn. This continued on for the following three months, with my relationship with her growing stronger and stronger. She finally decided to ask me if I was watching porn, she knew that most guys in the military did and just wanted to know out of curiosity. I simply replied yes, to try and downplay the severity of my situation, I left it at that.
She pressed further and asked how much, I lied and said maybe once or twice a week.. She saw right through me and pressed again, “How much do you really watch”. That’s when it got quiet for a few moments, she had to ask if I was still on the phone. I admitted to her how much… The silence that ensued afterwards felt like an eternity, all I could say was “I’m sorry, but it’s not like I’m cheating on you”. She absolutely lost it, she demanded I stop, saying it was unhealthy, and that I’m still looking at other women. I agreed and told her I’d stop. I lied.
Fast forward to me finally returning home from my deployment, that same girl who I had connected with on Facebook was there waiting for me, she had already gotten a hotel room for us off base, and I knew what was going to immediately happen when we got into that hotel room. Any normal guy would be ecstatic, finally getting laid after months of not even seeing a remotely attractive female. Except this was a nightmare, I knew exactly what was going to happen, I had flashbacks of my first time when I was 17, where I felt nothing. This girl is a 10/10, wonderful personality, she enjoys all the things I like, can always cheer me up, I truly could see myself spending the rest of my life with her; the last thing I wanted to do was ruin a shot at happiness.
It comes time, we’re in the hotel room, making out, and we start taking off clothes, and my hearts racing trying not to fuck it up, I’m doing everything I can just to focus on what I’m doing, but I can’t, I’m not even remotely turned on, we try to have sex, but I just can’t feel any of it and I’m consistently thinking that I’m not performing how she would like. She keeps asking me whats wrong, if I’m even excited to see her after she’s come all this way, I tell her I am, but she doesn’t buy it. We argue, she cries and calms down after I console her. She finally asks the question “Did you lie to me?” my heart sunk at that point, I knew exactly what she meant, I didn’t want to say yes, but seeing her face in person with tears in her eyes filled me with too much guilt, I told her everything, my entire history, how it started, everything.
Now you’d think any girl that just saw this guy she knew from high school would just get on the first flight out of there, but she actually held me and said “You’re better than this, and you have me now”. I swear to you, I’ve never felt more broken in my entire life, but at the same time, I realized that there’s no one else who would offer to stay with me even after a realization like that.
I proposed to her 2 months later, completely free of watching porn at that point.. We got married about 11 months ago guys.. And she pulled me out of it. I can say that there’s still a lack of sensation during sex, but it’s slowly coming back, and I don’t have mini panic attacks anymore.. This isn’t my story telling you how to break the habit, this is just me telling you guys that you CAN break the habit and it is very possible.
I wish you all the best of luck on your endeavor, and I’m always here to talk.
Edit: messed up the very first bit of this post, jeez.
Edit#2 wow guys, I really can’t believe the amount of support and appreciation this post has gotten. I really am just an average dude, who got sucked into something I never thought could be a problem. Thank you all for the massive amounts of support, we’re all very capable humans, that have the ability to be whoever we want to be, and can change for better or worse. I want to reiterate this again, I am always available to chat, and I encourage it really if anyone needs support! Thank you again.
I’m still rather young, 24, almost 25.