Thought I should share some positive news – I graduated college and will start my job soon. I’ve been PMO:ing daily since I was about 13. Mostly once or twice a day, but sometimes 3-6 times a day. I stumbled on yourbrainonporn.com and NoFap for the first time in 2010 – after reading up on porn addiction I could immediately relate the information I had gained to things happening in my own life, with my first girlfriend. I even told her about it, and that I wanted to quit.
Still, life was good, and while I had worried about ED before, I found everything to be working pretty well, and thought this wasn’t really an issue for me at that point in my life.
So let’s skip ahead to the beginning 2016. In the last five years I have tried starting on NoFap on perhaps 20 different occasions, but I’ve always failed and never got to more than day 3-4. Now I’ve started noticing increasing signs of porn addiction with my current girlfriend – desensitization and decreased interest in sex with her. I’m still PMO:ing at a regular basis. Being stressed both from university and from working on my personal issues, in secret I’m running a porn blog on Tumblr, and often I go to the bathroom at school to relieve my stress by PMO:ing.
September. My girlfriend suddenly leaves me and life takes a sharp turn for the worse. We have been living together for 3 years and she is my first big love. Now she suddenly starts treating me like crap. I don’t understand anything. She is my best friend, and in truth, my only real friend. On top of this, I get a mild form of HPPD (look it up if you’re wondering what it is) and start suffering from anxiety and DP/DR, something I have never experienced before in my whole life. I feel lonely, depressed and scared. I try to decrease the stress by eating ice cream, binging on porn and jerking off.
A couple of months pass. It is mid-november and Sweden is getting dark and cold. My body has started working through the changes in my life and I feel better. I’ve never lived alone before, but I’m getting used to it. The experiences that led up to my HPPD symptoms, along with the awful last couple of months have triggered emotional changes in me. I want to better myself from within. But how? I start thinking about NoFap again, among other things.
One day on the subway home, I start thinking about my ex.. again. I’m very angry at her for treating me this way, like I’m a worthless person. She’s a wretch and a coward. I go on Facebook and see her new profile picture. It’s a newly taken professional artist portrait – she’s a singer just like me. She looks different. I look at her eyes and I don’t recognize her. My angry thoughts shift. What has happened to her that has made her act this way? She’s doing her best, just like me. I hope she’s all right. I miss her, and I’m not going to be angry anymore.
So there’s this girl I really like at my part-time job. Absolutely beautiful – totally my type. In fact, can’t think of anyone more beautiful than her. Saw her for the first time some year and a half ago and knew my attraction at once, but couldn’t act on it then. I feel that maybe she’s interested. When we go out after work one evening we sit and talk. She’s very shy. I want to tell her that I like her, but I don’t have the courage. The previous time I asked her if I could follow her home, and she said no. Well, this evening I’ve had a couple of drinks and on the way home I tell her my feelings.. by texting her, and saying I like her while at the same time apologizing for not telling her in person. Yeah, done like a real man. She then rejects me by saying things are complicated, but in an ambiguous way that makes me smile. Still, I think ”yeah, that’s it” and decide to drop the whole thing.
When I get home – i feel fucking awful.
I ask myself: Who is this scared guy with no balls and no manliness? Who is this guy who carefully chooses his words when he talks to other people, hoping that he’s going be liked and accepted by everybody? Who is this guy that is good-looking but doesn’t have the balls to tell a girl he likes her or show his attraction?
Fuck this. I’m starting NoFap right now – for ME.
My NoFap experience:
- Now I see clearly that everything that has happened was just what I needed. I needed the hard times and all the setbacks just to find the motivation to ignite change within myself. And when motivation came, it came like a beast crashing through the window.
- These 30 days have been really easy in a way – that I surprisingly didn’t really have any strong porn cravings until the last few couple of days – even when I accidentally saw something on the internet that would have triggered me when I was PMO:ing all the time. Shit, I was so addicted before that sometimes I would even be triggered by a stick figure with boobs drawn in paint. No joke.
- I think I haven’t been having porn/sex cravings because my flatline started immediately. Maybe. I’m still in flatline – though not as severe as before.
- During approx. day 8-12, I had strong, clear abstinence symptoms while at work – the only such symptoms thus far. They consisted of tightness and heat in the torso area – along with an extremely strong flow of energy.. and anger. I couldn’t sit still and just wanted to run up and down the stairs or hit/crush/destroy something. This was coupled with anxiety. I’m working in the bar at a theatre, so when it wasn’t very busy, I released the energy by offering to carry heavy stuff, clutching my fists and breathing like an angry dinosaur when no one looked my way. It was scary, but I also felt very powerful.
- Willpower: This is what I feel is the most important part. For the first time in my life, I feel that am building real willpower and discipline, and that I have a pool that I can draw from to act when I have to, resist when I have to. This has led me to start taking ice cold showers daily – which has led me to acquire even more willpower. I swear by this NoFap/cold shower combo – it’s a match made in heaven.
- Confidence in my self and body: I’m already working to ground myself and stay in contact with my body in all the situations i face in life. This work has been given new depth and meaning. It is still new, but I’m starting to feel that I can trust my body to do what is best in this moment. For me personally, that connection leads to spirituality / contact with the intelligence behind life / contact with god – call it what you want. It is exciting and intriguing.
- Confidence around other people in general: Suddenly I found myself thinking ”If I didn’t care about being liked about everyone right now, what would I say then? And then I had the willpower to start acting on that.
- Attraction: I’ve definitely noticed getting looks from women that I never got before. It’s probably a combination of energy, confidence, my new diet changing my looks, my increasing body grounding.. It feels like this is just the beginning and it’s very interesting indeed.
- Being more grounded around the woman I like: The girl I told you about earlier that rejected me – after that I took on the attitude of not caring so much about being liked / ”getting her”, and it merged with the feeling of confidence I have gotten from starting on NoFap. Yes, she rejected me, but after the last time we went out she wanted me to sleep at her place. I was like – what the fuck?.. and went with the flow. I still fell that she kinda likes me, and though I’m not sure if it’s going to lead to anything, this new person that I am becoming seems to handle it with a smile on his face regardless. Which leads me to..
- I feel very different: Like someone who is starting to emerge into a new person, a new way of life. I feel like someone who takes care of things, and most of all, I feel more honest. I have nothing to hide – this is me. The more I stay in contact with this truth throughout my life – the stronger I become.
- I want to emphasize the willpower aspect once more. NoFap -> Cold showers -> Changed my diet -> Started training. Every step I take gives me more willpower and confidence, and at the same time makes it harder to fail and go back. Each of these four new habits strengthen each other greatly like a feedback loop of power. For those of you who are doubting this cold shower thing – your body gets used to it after about 10 days and you feel great afterwards! Well, it’s still a shock to the system every time, but I almost can’t wait for the next shower.. It’s definitely changing me for the better.
- I was going to make a list of negatives – but there’s really only one that I can think of. It’s related to the flatline – When I slept beside the girl – this woman I’m really attracted to.. My body felt pretty much totally dead and unresponsive, and it was honestly pretty scary. Though I have confidence that I will return to normal levels of sexual energy after a longer amount of time has passed. I don’t even think I know what normal levels of sexual attraction feel like – I’ve been addicted to porn for 13 years. Which is totally insane, when I think about it.
TL;DR – NoFap is simply awesome – a powerful catalyst for change.
I feel like a new person – and like this is the start of something great. We’ll see how it goes – but right now it feels like there’s no chance that I’m going to break this lifestyle. I’m deeply hopeful, grateful and excited for what the future has to offer.
Thank you to everyone who read this, I wish you the best luck in your own personal journeys. This place has been a great source of inspiration for me.
I”m a 25yo white dude from Sweden.