I thought I would write down what I have learned about myself – and specifically about how my brain has developed its conceptions about sex and sexuality – through my experiences of NoFap. This isn’t supposed to be in any way scientific, just some observations and what I think I have discovered through this process.
This is probably FULL of triggers as well so please don’t read this if you are not comfortable with that kind of thing. I don’t want to be responsible for any resets!
A little bit about me: First off, the only reason I’m writing this is because of the energy and motivation to create I have gained by stopping PMO. Before I started nofap, I wouldn’t have even made it out of bed by this time.
I’m 25 years old and have been PMOing for at least 12 years, and probably more. I first got a computer in my room when I was like 12/13, and have been exploring porn ever since. My young brain was absolutely warped by this introduction to sex and sexuality.
Despite PMOing pretty much every day during the last ten years and more, multiple times (up to ten times a day at max) I’m actually a fairly ‘normal’ and outgoing person. I have a good and high-paying job in a role which requires development of personal relationships and convincing others (i.e. I’m not in software development!). I have also held down various long-term relationships, which I can now see were nowhere near as healthy as I thought they were at the time.
Doing NoFap has taught me that my attitude towards sex and women has been really, really fucked up for some time and that I need a long time to re-wire that connection.
Essentially, I have just been a voueyer, even in my own sexual relationships. And porn has been the culprit.
Since I was a teenager, I have gotten off to the idea of having sex with women, rather the sex itself. But that was probably 6 or 7 years ago at college or uni, where I would watch porn and fantasise about ‘regular’ sex.
However, my tastes developed towards more aggressive and degrading sex.
I thought I enjoyed watching this ‘hot’ porn because it would send my dopamine into overdrive, seeking out excessive content. I thought I wanted this out of my own sexual relationships. But actually I now realise I didn’t want to experience this myself, I just wanted to wank off over watching this happen.
So when I would be at a club or out at night and see a group of hot girls, I would fantasise not about going over to talk to them, getting their numbers then taking them back to my place for sex, I would actually fantasise about watching them get fucked by other people. How fucked up is that?
This starts to get super dodgy because I felt as though I was missing out on sexual stuff that in reality I didn’t even want to do. I felt as though everyone else was having this nasty, fulfilling sex and I wasn’t. Leading to the horrible cycle of PMO-based laziness, depression and self-loathing.
How lame is that? Avoiding the opportunity to actually meet and have sex with women because you are too caught up in wanting to watch them get fucked. This actually extends to stuff like hookers. I would go through classified ads and escort websites fantastising about what I would like to do with the girls. It wasn’t anything too fucked up but I also had an obsession with domination and ownership. I wanted them to be mine and no one elses.
I wanted to feel as though all sexy girls I saw – whether online or in real life – somehow belonged to me. This is also because of porn. When you are jacking off to a video how many times do you think about all the other millions of guys are doing/have done the same thing. That video is not yours!
When I had sex with my girlfriends, I would be frustrated during sex because I wanted to be watching; I wanted to wank over a particular angle or position. I would be quite rough and insist on fucking in a certain way because I thought that was how I could get off. I used to find it nearly impossible to orgasm unless I fantasised about porn while inside a girl. This is NOT fucking normal. It’s shameful. And actually must have been not all that enjoyable for my partner.
Since doing NoFap (it’s only been like two weeks!) I have begun to realise the full extent of my fucked up attitude to sexuality. I know what I need to do to fix this though. By removing porn from my life I know it will be possible to regain normal brain activity – to stop wanting to watch girls get banged pornostyle but – when I see a hot girl – to think about personally having sex with her. In a first person mode, with the sounds, the smells and the feelings of sex. Not sitting on my couch watching some made-up video.
But you know what else…. I’m really fucking angry. I’m angry for me, and for every one of you.
The porn industry has robbed me of my youthful sexuality. It has stripped my of companionship and emotional connection with my sexual partners. It has also led to millions of girls around the world having unsatisfying sex with dudes who are just banging like they want to see in porn. It’s a sad state of affairs, but I really hope that this community grows and grows and fights back against this industry, which is KILLING male sexuality for profits.
Thanks for hearing me out and thanks for being such a great community.