Warning: There are potential triggers in here, especially if you’ve got a history with HOCD or trans fetish stuff. At the same time the triggers are here because I’ve overcome those things. I want to help you guys because I didn’t really believe I could be here, today. I need to tell you my story so that you can take heart from it.
This is going to be really long, but this post has been 10 years in the making. First up, don’t get hung up on the badge….I’ve probably fapped 7 times in the last six months, with a 123-day streak in there. I chose to reset four days ago for a variety of reasons, but my move away from porn and MO has been consistent and lasted the last half-year.
I have been attracted to women from as early as I can remember. I kissed girls when I was 4 in pre-kindergarten. The first time I saw a naked woman on a television screen, I straight up licked the television. My 6 or 7 year-old self crawled up to the crackling black and white of the half-visible Cinemax that was playing, and licked the glass screen of the tube television.
Started looking at porn when I was probably 10, as I would find what my older brother had left behind. Learned to fap at 13 or so. Saw some crazy shit. This was back in the wild west days of the internet when you could search for whatever in Limewire and find it. And by whatever, I mean whatever.
Bad juju for a 10 year old brain.
Anyway, I escalated, hard. Eventually got to where I’d go into gay chat rooms (because there were never any real girls in the AIM chat rooms) and started looking at transgender porn by the time I was 14. That trans actress in Hangover II? Yah, we were friends on an adult dating site and I was talking dirty to her on the phone when I was 16…having lied about my age….I nearly convinced her to travel to my city and hook up with me. Crazy stuff. I was thinking about this stuff around the clock.
I never stopped noticing women and I never started noticing men, in terms of sexual attraction. When I walked down the street I never noticed men in that way. It was always women. But everything I watched, porn-wise, had male genitalia.
Oh, and did I mention desensitization of my circumcised penis via spit-lube death grip, 3-4 times a day, minimum? Yah. That too.
So the first time a real girl tried to go down on me when I was 17, I went limp in maybe 20 seconds. The next time she tried, it happened again.
From that point forward I would claim that “I don’t like blowjobs.” This allowed me to avoid the potential shame of not performing. And most girls my age – being new to most of this – didn’t really like giving them, so they didn’t seem to mind.
This made me less assertive and confident with my own genitalia and desires and more focused on my partner and pleasing her, in other ways. This fit nicely with my trans obsession, as it was that much easier to be the submissive partner when a girl had a penis.
Long story short (this is about to get dark…sorry)….this is going on for awhile until I’m 18 or so…..start to have a good relationship with a girl. 6 months into that relationship and I’ve been fap free (way before discovering Gary Wilson or NoFap) and focused on this real girl I love a great deal. My penis is returning to normal sensitivity because I’m fapping less, and my desires are returning to normal because I’m with this girl and not porn. She moves away to a different town and two weeks later I’m deep down the rabbit hole again. Cheat on her with a trans girl. Have HIV scare. Ruin relationship with girl. Her parents want to – justifiably – kill me. My parents are devastated. Nearly kill myself. Don’t because I wouldn’t want to leave her alone with HIV for the rest of her life. Months later we find out we’re both healthy. Damaged relationship is beyond repair, and we break up. I spiral into depression, obesity, PMO, and bounce from failure to rock bottom, to another rung of rock bottom, then another, then another.
Fast forward 3 years. I’m 300 pounds. I’m living like a complete slob. My life is: wake up, fap to trans personals or porn, eat, diddle around on internet until sex drive is sufficient to fap again, repeat until tired enough to sleep. Repeat.
I discover Paleo diet and lose a bunch of weight. Manage to get trans girlfriend who is extremely passable and looks like a porn star. Pretty much what I’ve been wanting for 8 years now. Her tastes in everything sexual are what I think I want. But I cannot maintain an erection, even with her.
Google – > Erection problems in 20-something guys -> Gary Wilson Ted Talk – > aha! moment.
Step back from all the relationships I’m pursuing. Take time to focus on myself. Get my diet dialed in. Start exercising. Sleeping enough and at regular hours. Grooming regularly. Dressing better. Making my bed. Focusing more on my career. I get down to my goal weight (from a high of 300 lbs [136kg] to 192 [87kg], at 6’0″ [183cm] tall). Buy a new wardrobe.
I hit a NoFap streak of 4 months. During this time, it’s almost 100% flatline. Very disheartening. My penis has not responded to a woman since I was about 19 years old. I’m 25, now. My penis is dead for 120 days. Dude….Is there any hope for me?
Discover some more stuff about desensitization. Start taking better care of my penis. Sensitivity training with a feather, etc. When I start, I literally CANNOT FEEL A FEATHER ON THE HEAD OF MY PENIS, AT ALL. Did you read what I just wrote? I could feel a feather ANYWHERE on my body EXCEPT the organ that was supposed to be the most sensitive area for sexual pleasure. That helped me understand why I was having such a hard time staying erect in normal sexual circumstances….at least part of it was that I couldn’t feel anything!
Started to regularly moisturize and felt improving sensitivity. Continue eating well, working hard, etc.
Fast forward this process to last week. I’ve met a girl. She’s a bit older and smart, and those are the types I tend to hit it off with. We hit it off. Things are clearly going down a romantic road. I determine I’m tired of being anxious about performance and people “discovering” my past, so I’ll tell her everything up front.
She understands. She thinks porn wrecks people’s brains. I tell her my penis hasn’t really shown signs of life in 4 months and if she needs a dude who can penetrate her, that may not be me for a long while. She says that’s cool.
We start hanging out. Friday night we go on a walk. I’m loving everything I learn about this woman. End up at my place, making out. I am ROCK hard.
What? I’m hard making out? This is exciting. I’m feeling like a teenager, here. I’m digging this.
We end up cuddling in my bed and falling asleep. Wake up at 2 AM. Start making out again. Things get heated. She guides my hands down to her lady bits. I feel her, how wet she is, and I could jackhammer a sidewalk, I’m so hard. I want it so bad.
Remember guys, a year or so prior my brain was so corrupted that the thought of a vagina seemed a bit repulsive to me. I mean, is it clean? Does it smell? Isn’t it kind of slimy? Penises are lower maintainance, right? Seriously….I’m a straight guy and this is where I’d gotten to.
I slipped my finger into this girl and her vagina became Thanksgiving dinner in my mind. I wanted it so bad.
I resisted sex that night because I was honestly nervous I couldn’t keep it up. And I didn’t want to fail so early in this budding relationship.
Last night she comes over, again. She gets right into it. She won’t let me say no. My pants are off and she’s giving me oral…..and it feels amazing. I am hard, and I’m staying hard.
This has never happened, once, in my entire life! In a quarter century. Do you hear me?
We end up having sex three different times for like 15-30 minutes a pop. I did not orgasm….but that is NOT the point, here. I know I will. But guys, I used to not be able to keep it up, period. Even with the personal embodiment of every fantasy I’d had, up to that point. And last night, I stayed hard for 10 cumulative minutes of blowjob and maybe an hour of vaginal penitration.
And the AMAZING thing was, the entire time, I’m focused on her. Not one fantasy the entire time. I’m looking at her, kissing her, looking in her eyes, feeling her…..not a damn thing else.
Guys, a few years ago I was seriously suicidal. I would drive down two-lane roads and seriously think about deliberately going head-on into an oncoming 18-wheeler. That eventually just devolved into apathy and obesity and loneliness.
I got out of all of that. And not only did I reclaim my work and my body, but I restored my sexuality and my penis. You read what I wrote…you know how busted up I was. If I can get to this moment on this day, I promise you can.
I’ve still got a ways to go. I’m not home yet. But I’ve got a girl who cares about me, knows the truth about me, and she’s excited to be a part of this new leaf in my life. I know I’m going to do something I have never done in my entire life: climax with a flesh-and-blood female partner.
I know that’s just around the corner. And in 2012, that would have seemed literally impossible. Hell, just the thought of maintaining an erection with a girl seemed impossible.
I feel like a brand new man. A masculine energy and desire I’ve never known I could feel. Without any guilt, at all.
Please guys. Your lives are worth living and you can get out of the hole you’re in. You can. I promise you that you can.
I’m going to throw out some key things that have worked for me, in various aspects of this new life I’m living.
- Paleo nutritional principles – just as NoFap seeks to get rid of superstimulating, unnatural sexual practices, Paleo seeks to eliminate superstimulating, unnatural foods. Check out this excellent primer.
- Intermittent fasting – if you want to accelerate your fat loss, check out this primer.
Fitness and mobility
- Kelly Starrett’s videos for mobility training. Check out this interview to get a feel for what he’s about. His book Becoming a Supple Leopard is the Bible of human movement.
- Nerd Fitness has excellent bodyweight exercises for beginners.
- Mark Rippetoe’s Starting Strength is the best introduction to proper lifting for strength. His book Practical Programming for Strength Training is a good follow-up.
Self-Control and Self-Mastery
- David Allen’s Getting Things Done
- Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit
- Mark Manson’s book Models. A tremendous book on understanding the opposite sex and how to develop yourself into the kind of man who can broadcast the truth about himself to others. Incredibly important book.
Restoring penis sensitivity
- Kegel exercises. Do them.
- Man1 Man Oil. I’ve used regular moisturizers and this, and it may be placebo, but I really do think I’ve noticed the best return from this lotion. However, anything’s better than nothing. If you’re circumcised you need to moisturize.
- TLC Tugger Skin-cone. Holds your foreskin forward to cover the head of your penis, even if you’re circumcised. Huge, huge, huge difference for me, as a circumcised guy.
TL;DR – I spent 8 years of the prime of my life thinking my penis and my brain were broken. I’ve overcome that. If that’s not worth reading and learning from, GTFO. I’d have given my left nut to have someone tell me this stuff ten years ago
Edit: Gold! Seriously, guys, some of these responses have me nearly in tears. To know that guys are in the same position I was in and that my story might help you get out, or avoid getting into that position in the first place…well, it’s emotional. We’re the first generation to storm the beaches of the digital world, and we didn’t know what to expect. There are casualties. But for those who have been injured but not killed, there IS hope. We get one shot at consciousness and life…it can be so joyful and beautiful. There’s no better time to start working towards that than right now. Good luck, all.