I didn’t have a lot of access to porn growing up so I spent the ages of 11-18 or so drowned in what evolved into a strange ritual [masturbating to music videos as quickly and often as possible].
Multiple times a day I would wait for my mother to leave the living room (she’d be gone anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes) then I’d switch over to one of the many music channels on cable (back home in Ireland we have tonnes of music video channels that just play music videos all day) and I’d look for the most provocative one I could find and quickly (often viciously) try to squeeze out an orgasm.
This continued throughout my life (well into 24 or 25), multiple times a day, even after I got internet in my life around 18. My sexual conditioning became that of the extremely quick fix. I felt at times I could even sort of trick myself into orgasming fast before my mom got back. And when she went to bed it was free reign. It was manic, obsessive and out of control.
My first real sexual experience was at 18 and I was totally nonplussed by the experience, I couldn’t even get it up. I spent the next 5 years or so often not being able to get it up with, what were to me, very hot girls. But being able to jizz myself silly on the right Rihanna music video. Depressing as fuck.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands and from the ages of about 23 – 26 (I am 27 now) and got a prescription for viagra and went deep into sex addiction. Unprotected sex in as many fucked up scenarios as I possibly could. An insatiable, crippling hunger that could never be doused. All the while keeping PMO close by.
I’ve spent the last year and a half in recovery and have seen how much of a HUGE part porn and provocative, shiny, 3 minute music videos played in scrambling my circuits, warping my view of sex, prolonging my fear of intimacy and making me impotent. Doctors were either stupefied or unconvinced by my condition and it wasn’t until I met the right therapist that things started to change.
I moved here to america around 24 but it’s only in the last year that things have started to change. After time on and off porn and sexual acting out I am only now starting to heal. Recently I did a stint of 88 days on hard mode, felt amazing, then relapsed hard, then did a stint of a 100 days with no porn but allowing masturbation and relapsed AGAIN. However that time, the porn felt more hollow than ever before, even while I was cumming.
What I can gladly report is that while I was deep in abstinence I witnessed a return of erections (I had sex, with condoms and got it up more than had it fall during a long session – huge for me), stronger erections without porn, erections and simple thoughts seemed to be linking up again without the need for images, way lower depression, better sense of self and self worth, improvements in practical areas of life and most importantly a strong, burning desire to stay away from porn.
I think I may be a very bad case but I am hopeful about the future. A year trying and now 7 days in and I hope to be able to stay out of the quicksand this time.