I started off masturbating when I was 14, not to images or a computer, but to fantasizing about my gf at the time. With a fetish that I still unwillingly have.
Rubbed my pelvis against the bed and thought I was about to pee when it happened, i was very in the dark about it. Ever since, I continued with it and slowly began to have problems with gfs, such as my balls really, really hurting after an ejaculation and of course not getting hard enough.
Despite this, I didn’t have as bad a time as everyone else. I only did it average once a day skipping many days.
At 19y.o.(2007), I developed an addiction to cigarettes which made me lazy and lethargic. Neither I, nor anyone else could understand why cigarettes had such a profound effect on me. From my point of view, it shut everything down, gave me head rush that pushed all my stress out the window, and for a slight moment, nothing mattered. My first one was during the worst summers of my life to this day when i was 17. Got addicted at 19, realized 3 months later that “yea, i can’t put this down,” and for many years after that, struggled to learn ways to quit: gum, patches, self-hypnosis, Allen Carr’s books (both easy way and the one after). Every quitting attempt made me felt like I was going to die (not literally), it was extremely painful. My life was a downwards spiral from then on, dropping out of college and not being able to hold a job for years after. I also cut myself off with many friends, not intentionally at first, but eventually down the line I was overcome with shame and frustrated with the lack of understanding anyone had of my situation, combined with the complete lifestyle change. I was what the Japanese refer to as a “Hikikomori” or a hermit. After a pursuit of studying psychology, specifically Carl Jung, i started researching about ego death which led me to Eckhart Tolle and meditation.
When it started:
I started meditating to quit smoking at the end of 2010, but it was very off and on and I didn’t hit my peak until 2012-2013. The better I got at meditating, the less painful my withdrawals from smoking would be. By this time I would sit for 40 min doing my best and after that, do thought journal-ling. It was getting better at these two which made me accidentally nofap for a month, August 2013. In the process of trying to quit smoking with meditation knowing I had a long road ahead of me, I quit masturbation with ease and accidentally in the process. After getting scared and terrified from a breakthrough combined with stress from family, I completely reverted back to old habits, jerking it, smoking cigarettes and drinking a little bit more than necessary.
Cutting all addictions:
Thanks to other circumstances, my last cigarette was Oct 8th, 2014, and I had a lot of free time so I worked out and did my best to continue to meditate when I could (I was still afraid of meditation at this point). After noticing that I wasn’t recovering as fast as I wanted to, I was determined to speed up the process. I wanted to cut all other addictions: alcohol, pop, masturbating, gaming, movies/t.v.shows, hot showers. And replace them with better habits: cold showers, working out, stretching, socializing, proper dieting and cooking, career pursuing, meditation.
Why I Nofapped:
Over the past 5 years especially, my boner became weaker and weaker and I chalked it up to the cigarettes and my lack of circulation. It was embarassing but functional should I need it. When I quit cigarettes Oct. 2014, my body desperately looked to other means to get that dopamine fix. Some people eat and get fatter, I jerked off waaay more than I ever had before. At the peak, it was roughly 2-3 times a day for a couple of weeks before calming back down just a bit. That was the most I’ve ever jerked in my life. By February 2015, I was innocently walking around the living room probably eating something, not thinking anything perverted at all when I was overcome with a numbness in my crotch. All feeling disappeared from that area within a matter of seconds. “I can’t feel my dick,” I thought half-panicked, and I knew exactly what that meant. The next session confirmed it, I couldn’t get it up for longer than 20-30 seconds and it would be less than half mast at its best. I had ED. A larger wave of shame came over me and again, I chalked it up to poor fitness and weak muscles. I started doing kegels around April. I got fed up by May and finally searched erectile dysfunction on google which led me to YBOP and here at nofap (i did reddit for years and know about this place but never knew it was so related with my ED).
90 Day Report
I started nofap, no PMO to cure my ED on June 2nd, 2015. Day 7 was the most intense, but after that hump I was especially confident since I was used to dealing with powerful urges. The flatline appeared two and a half weeks (approx 16-17 days) after and only lasted for around 5-7 days for me. The depression sucked, but after living my lifestyle, you kinda get used to it. Other than the feelings, I actually liked that I didn’t want women and my libido was low. It really helped with the urges. It didn’t last long though as I was horny again. Mind you, I had no job or school and I’m home all day, so looking back, I realize that truly was hard mode. Unfortunately I did look at porn vids, only a couple times at first and only for a couple seconds before I closed the window and resumed whatever I needed to do. The problem was that I didn’t consider literotica and gonewildstories porn because I’ve never gotten off on reading material. It also didn’t help that I was in the subreddits delving into reading stories about and exploring my fetish for the first time in my life (There goes the P in PMO).
On August 2nd, I read a gonewild story that fed my fetish deeply. I was gripping my desk reading it, fully clothed with a raging 60%-70% boner, the hardest its ever been since February, and I could feel my groin acting up. To calm it down, I did kegels while reading and all of a sudden, everything was too powerful and intense for me to stop what I had no idea was coming. I came. To a gw story. Fully clothed with kegels only. I was amazed and pissed at the same time, because there goes the O in PMO WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING MYSELF. I didn’t count it as masturbation so I did my best to continue but after just wasting a couple days reading the stories and getting carried away to reading the same story that fucked me up, on August 24th, I relapsed. Twice with no hands reading part 2 of that stupid story and again with no porn, just rubbing one out. I did a complete PMO reset on August 24th redefining what porn is to me and to this day (Sept. 11 2015), I have not broken hardmode.
I wasn’t going to write anything here until I noticed Sept. 1st, my boner was back to 80%-90% and it stood up for much longer than usual. It was getting cured, and I smiled when I realized it.
Meditation Technique that helped me: The thought journal-ling process that helps A TON with nofap is simple. Just write down on a piece of paper (or recording device) whatever thought pops into your head as soon as it pops into your head. If you had a train of thoughts, do your best to try and remember what the first thought was that sent your thoughts into a spree, usually the thoughts are connected. What this does is gets your brain used to catching your thoughts consciously. It’s pretty much like lucid daydreaming and has a profound effect on dreams themselves (for me at least).
It basically helps you catch the perverted thoughts before they run amok on your body. Sees triggering perception (hot girl’s ass or something) -> feeds to your brain stimulation -> triggers your balls to start cooking up to get ready for more -> balls and hormones send more shit to the brain -> brain starts cooking up more fantasies -> blue balls with huge urges in less than 2 min. Instead, with good practice at thought recording, you can catch it, even let it run amok, but because you’re so aware of it happening, it loses its power over you, and may even subside on its own. Or feel free to explore those thoughts.
The benefits are many. A lot of energy here, female attention there, but nothing spectacular. I now have a temp job that I’m working 50 hours a week at that’s physically exhausting which I love. I do hit on women a bit more oftevn but not as often as I would like. E.g. there was a gorgeous woman I really wanted to talk to who also made flirty eyes with me at the grocery store and I didn’t say a word. Beat my self up after that one for sure. I plan on doing Rejection Therapy to make sure that doesn’t happen again. I quit drinking in May, but that’s only temporarily until I get my career job setup, I never really had a drinking problem. I also don’t plan to ever stop this streak, unless of course I get laid, but even then, I don’t see myself jerkin it to porn again. I’ll prob be back for a 180 day report and a 365 if i’m lucky _. Feel free to AMA.
TL:DR: Cured my smoking-caused, 7-month PIED by meditating and recording my thoughts.