I started pornfree because I wanted to have an intimate relationship with a woman. PIED was seriously hurting my life.
I apologize for the wall of text and if this focuses on sex, but I want to share how I’m re-sensitizing myself and resetting my brain. After an embarrassing bout of PIED with my new gf 2 weeks ago, the ensuing anxiety, and a brief porn relapse, I climaxed from penetration! Until a few days ago, I was seriously worried I would never get better. I was dreading sexual encounters with her, because I was worried she’d dump me if I repeatedly couldn’t have sex.
In just 1 month, I’ve gone from 3 abrasive PMO per day (21 per week!) to 3-4 gentle MO per week plus hopefully lots of healthy penetrative sex. When I started, I could not even MO with only my hand. When I first met her, I had to jerk it myself to get hard; now I get hard within seconds of kissing. I first felt nothing through a condom and got soft while just putting it on; now, I stayed hard and felt good, although my sensation (good, non-latex one) is still fairly weak. For the first time since I can remember, I actually enjoyed sex.
Things that helped:
- Mindfulness meditation and urge surfing: Instead of resisting every urge, I simply acknowledged the sensation, dealt with it, and let it pass. Obviously, I was fretting like crazy about being a crappy lover and not being able to stay hard, which created a positive feedback loop (anxiety about PIED > PIED > anxiety…). Meditation has really helped break that. Today, I was able to focus on the sensation of sex rather than worrying about staying hard.
- K9 to block porn. Although I did slip up by viewing a few softcore NSFW subs (although not fapping), K9 has definitely stopped me a few times.
- Recognizing the difference between being horny and bored, tired, stressed, anxious, etc. PMO was just a routine: I fapped regularly when I got up, in the afternoon, and before bed. This had nothing to do with my libido, making it clear I have an addiction.
- MO’ing deliberately. When I do MO, I do it quickly (no edging), gently, with plenty of lubrication, and most importantly without porn. I make sure I’m actually horny rather than anything else. It’s gone from taking 30 minutes to 5 minutes. That means I’m gone from spending ~10 hours per week on PMO to 15-20 minutes per week on MO. Also, I focus on the sensation rather than my fantasies; when I do fantasize, it’s often about my gf.
- Communication with my partner: I kind of weaseled out of admitting to her porn was a problem, because unprompted, she told me how a previous ex had this problem, which she found disgusting and seriously hurt her confidence. On the advice of another user here, I said, “I make it a point not to use porn.” I did tell her I MO’d a lot when I was single but that I’m making a huge effort to fix this now that I’m not single. I reassured her this was not her fault and that she’s actually helping me.
Closing remarks: yes, pornfree is worth it. You do not need porn. Sex is better than porn.
LINK – [Triggers: sex] First big victory in my recovery: no PIED!
by threenis
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