Ever since I discovered porn as a teenager, engaging in PMO was my primary form of “sexual expression” (or more accurately, release of sexual frustration) for years.
The routine was the same, almost always. The websites were the same. Unzip, browse to my sites, masturbate and cum. Rinse and repeat the next day. This stagnated my sexuality so much when I thought it was fine and normal, to the point at which I had my first date, first kiss, and lost my virginity within the course of three days when I was 21.
This would even continue into my marriage. Now I’m in my late 20s, I’m married to an amazing woman, and I have a beautiful son who is just over one. Unfortunately, as much as I love my wife, our sex life has been dysfunctional for most of our relationship. She has a very high libido (sex once a day is preferable for her) and while most guys would see this and be like “Fuck yeah!”, my years of conditioning through PMO had made me so impotent and unable to deliver because I would masturbate when she wasn’t there.
She knew this, we fought over it, I even went to therapy over it. She must have loved me a lot to put up with this for so long. Regardless of what happened – the tears shed, the apologies given, the promises made – within a month I would return to my habits. No sex for her, PMO for me.
This all came to a head last Wednesday. “If this doesn’t end, I want a divorce,” she said.
I was faced with the prospect – and still am – of losing my wife. Seeing my son on weekends, or every other week. And of prospect that my wife and son would lose so much respect for me, because you can’t keep the reason for your parents’ divorce from your child forever. “I divorced your father because he was dishonest from me and looked at porn incessantly.” And then the prospect that he’d begin to call another man his daddy.
Porn has been a wet blanket that covered the fire of my soul, of my life, that made it feel ok to not pursue my dreams, lie to my wife, and feel depressed, lethargic and spiteful. It made it feel ok to ignore my life and throw myself into a virtual world of naked women, naked men, who always offer the ultimate pleasure and ultimate thrill, but never satisfy.
So it’s been at least ten days since I last PMOd. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth it. And here is the reason for TW: Sex has never been better, or hotter. Over the past ten days, we’ve been having sex every day or two at the most. My wife says she can’t remember me ever being as hard as I have been over the past ten days. I can feel how turned on she is when we make love. And yes, we make love – when we are together I embrace every part of her body. I am so emotionally and physically satisfied when we have sex, and the past ten days has been the best sex I have ever had.
It’s not all 100% better. She still doubts my ability to keep up my abstention from porn. But in the past ten days, I’ve never felt closer to her, and I’ve never felt so passionately in love.
In sum, for anyone reading this, choose your lover, every time. Man or woman, now or in the future, they deserve your love, intimacy, and your willingness to be open and honest and available. Giving up porn at a time when I felt like I faced annihilation has made me confront some ugly truths about myself and open my soul up to my wife. But it’s so worth it. Give up the pixels, the hypersexualized crack that you can find so easily, and bare your soul to your lover or make it available to your future lover. You won’t regret it.