This is my day 90 and this reports is going to be huge long post with broken English. I warned. I’ve been a long time lurker like 1~2 years in this subreddit. And I feel really great to post this long story.
I wanted to share it honestly as possible as I can. Because I wanted to see this addiction clearly. It might be helpful to those who has master degree of all kind of addictions like me.
Short brief introduction
29/M/Korean/Programmer I started fapping when I was 16 yrs old until 29 yrs old this year.
I hit the rock bottom in my mid 20s days. I didn’t know why I had so much social anxiety and depression issues. My grade in university gone worse and worse and I played World of Warcraft massively. I was suffer from lack of energy due to fap. And my love with soju (Korean vodka.) Gaming, Alcholism, Smoking, Fap. 4 Addiction. I was extremely terrified when I felt I can’t stop smoking. I failed stop smoking so much that days like more than 300 attempts. I was really depressed because I thought I’m gonna be the one who cannot beat the addiction by myself forever. I just couldn’t handle my break up with my gf and university’s pressure so I wanted to break the shitty cycle. I decided to go to travel the world. So I went to Thailand, Nepal and India. It was 3 months of travel and I met so many great people and felt so energized. I never thought about fapping during solo travel (I knew it steal so much energy for travelling and I always slept in hostel domitories.), so I can do almost 90 days of No Fap that days. (There were no YBOP, no fap community. I didn’t know anything about no fapping issue.) I was so energized and I kept journaling when I was in those countries. I wrote so many things to do back in Korea and even made a novel. After I came back to Korea I was so excited to have a good life again in my country. But that awesome ideas and the life lessons that I learned ended when I locked my room and massively fapped THAT ARRIVED DAY. I don’t mean it completly blew my lessons away that exact that day. I mean I fell down to same digusting trap. GOD.. After about 2 weeks? or 1 month, I came back to same person that I used to be. Fapping, massively smoking and drinking and gaming. WTF
I couldn’t stop fapping because there was no book about stopping fap issues. last year? or more than 2 years ago, I accidently saw the TED video about fapping like you guys. I noticed this reddit site that time and I was shocked that so many guys are here and this community is really helpful. So I enrolled the badge and started the No Fap journey. My streaks were like 17, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 5, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, …massive fapping like 3months , , ,,, Oh no I can’t live like this! , , , 22, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 5, 1, 1, 1. Some of you guys know what I am saying. That frustrated moment when I reset badge using badge bot. After countless failed attempt I just didn’t reset a badge and didn’t log in into this subreddit because I felt shame. I failed so much. like more than 300 times these 2 years. And everytime I failed I felt like fucking shit. I sometimes saw some guys in this subreddit just saying he did 90 days with only 2 attempts or 1. Really? hmm that is you not me. anyways. It really depress me because I began to think about me as a man of no willpower. I suffered so much with addictions. I became to think of me as a person who can’t defeat pleasure-driven addiction. I overcame cigarette addiction which brings me a great confidence. But fap and alcholism and gaming was left.
I stopped smoking after reading the book ‘Stop smoking’ by Allen Carr. My cousin recommended me to see this book for stop smoking. And it was the first self-help book that actually changed my life. So after quitting smoking I came to admit that books can help people whenever the book talks ‘truth’ or ‘lies’. (You know truth/lies can be a judgemental.) So I decide to belive what helps me. That was the first meaningful change in my life. (That I decided to take some advice from books or other people.) After quit smoking I began to read many books that related to human brains. Some of you guys might laugh at me but I read so many articles and trip-report in erowid.org. I was extremely curious about some psychedelics. I had quite heavy social anxiety issues because of traumatic experiences that I had. So I wanted to cure my problems like using drugs as a ‘quick fix’. Anyways I planned to go to Amsterdam and had my first shroom(truffle) trip. Shroom and No Fapping. What I’m gonna talk to you guys? Put aside funny visual things, I focused on my inner issues. After 4 hours I’ve come to have some different perspective of my life. That facebook / line messages in my smartphone seems so meaningless. That calm and beautiful sunset in my room seems so adorable and delightful. I don’t need those pack of beers that i bought in mart. I don’t need updating facebook status. I don’t need watch TV to spend meaningless time before going to bed. Everything that I thought meaningful turned into shitty crap. It feels really ridiculous to see those apps and devices that human makes to numb their negative emotions. I enjoyed the silence and I was just sitting in the couch and enjoyed seeing sun set and the beauty of houses design. Then I tried fapping. lol. Actually I was really not in a mood for fapping. As I mentioned before I don’t fap during travelling. I tried it because of my strong scientific curiousity. I felt so strange and calm so I wanted to test my main addiciton. What happend next? I went to youtube and just searched some video clips that I used to fap. And I tried to focus on my fapping. But I couldn’t have an erection. It’s hard to tell you but it was like… My observing mind was talking to me. “Why the fuck you’re shaking your penis upon meaningless computer screen?” “Hey it’s just a computer screen some girl that doesn’t exist in your normal life.” “Hey stop fucking shaking your penis.” “What’s the point?” x 10 “Oh fuck I’m done. I cannot do this meaningless shitty behavior.”
Yeah I couldn’t. After trying to fap which failed, I took a shower and I felt so happy just feeling the drops of water. And then I went out to see beautiful city. Full of light and not caring about the people outside. I can eye contact to everyone in the city and I was genuine human being as me. Also I was happy. After the trip is over I didn’t drink alchols and weeds. I dumped these things to trash can. I didn’t fapped and didn’t play games for about 2 weeks. I knew I can be totally happy without social approval, shit amount of money, etc after that shroom trip. That experience made me to think about the MEDITATION. I searched so many trip reports and articles about meditation.
After the Trip (Good things that comes into my life.)
I added meditation to my habits and read more books. And thought about my life. Oh there exist my shitty 9 to 9 job! that doesn’t go away in my life.(Yeah typical Korean IT job.) I started studying web / app development for my startups. I didn’t want to live like a stupid programmer who often suffers from shitty boss. As my no fap journey went well, I felt so genuine happy with myself. My conversation between people get better because I don’t care about someone’s approval and I gave up perfectionism (this is HUGE. Fuck perfectionism in my life before). I felt love to my family again like my childhood days. They’re quite surprised that I changed in such a good way. And they support me that I decided to quit my shitty job and start new buisness. I’m now enjoying conversations about my new buisness and I can talk to parents that I love them directly. (I couldn’t do this in my 20s days.. It just felt so shameful maybe because of my depression.) I made my own healthy meal and exercies by myself. I don’t need a pricy gym membership. I just need a simple playground that has pull-up bar. I tried pull-up every day. I couldn’t do more than 3 pull-ups when I was in my twenties days. That was so fuckin hard and it always bothered me to do this everyday. But I changed. I now know that it’s not a quick change of body. And it’s not that takes long times. Anyways I can do 10 pull-ups for 3 set these days. Yeah that consistant is the key. (Thanks the book ’Slight Edge’) I’m in the greatest body that I have in my whole my life. I can do handstanding-push ups I never thought that I can do it. Also I registered the gym that teaches the fucking martial arts.(Tricking) I always wondered how it can be awesome if I can do backflip. I’m 29. I thought it’s quite old-age to have a hobbies like that. Many of friends and family warned me not to do those tricking and Parkour things. But now I know. It was just a fear that makes me can’t do it. I’m a person who analyze too much about the dangerousness. So I read and saw many videos that teaches about scientific evidence that I can do those tricks. And yes. I can do some basic b kicks, front/back handspring with 2 months of training in the gym. I feel fucking awesome when I’m doing this tricks in front of my house. I always thought that Parkour is for adrenaline junkies and teens. But actually it was not. It is a brilliant sports that need to know the mental status and confront the fake fear that’s inside of me. Anyways this report is going too long sorry.
How the hell I can be this man? What was the point?
I had so many shitty moment during this 90 day streak. Like loneliness that I encounter. Rejection from a girl I dated like 2 months. The fear that I had about stop my job and doing my buisness. Like I enjoyed the good emotions from increased energy, All that negative emotions kicks me really hard too. And there was no fucking pills for that because I quit all addictions in my life. I couldn’t sleep at night with some anxiety issues. (About relationship, my buisness plan, friendships, family all issues.) I still has an anxiety issues with people that I meet. I overthink which make my life worse these days, too. It’s not completely gone. I decided to confront the fear directly so I rejected so hard these times. But I didn’t fapped and I’m moving forward with these fears.
That’s the point.
Life sucks in many ways. Life is boring. Rejection exists. Buisness 99% fails. No fap? really difficult. I saw many posts about talking about “Girl notices me”, “I finally got number.” Yes that is the delightful moment of our life. But you’re gonna rejected too. You have to admit the real life. She’s not interested in you. Your buisness is gonna fail. Insecure normal people can harass you so much to hide their insecurities. All the shitty things happen, and that’s why fapping happens. You don’t want to see the real life. If someone rejects you, then that’s not your problem. Why are you fapping to computer monitor screen that doesn’t exist. That’s what TV shows numbs so many people. That adventures, that good looking men’s fucking the world and get all girls. That Japanese Adult video scene. Korean pop idols. Oh crap that plastic surgery singers which are made of. All the media that polarize this real life is ruin your brain. You have to admit that life is not that extremely arousing. After seeing life with your heart, you can be free from addictions. Because knowing that is fake is huge thing to boost your inner strength. Real life is not like that. You don’t need it. You don’t have to feel jealous about the fake things. And meditation helped me to build this attitude.
The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day. That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.
My life now.
I quit my mediocre job march of this year. I started startup buisness and I’m making my apps these days. I never learned web development before. But the strong desire to quit boring job in shitty cubicle made me to escape my office and start studying. I stuided like 14 hours in a day because of fear of failure. I learnt so much this 6 months so I have so much confidence right now. I’m hired and I’m CTO in our company lol. I do want to share some interesting issues about this new life style but I’ll keep this one to next report or thread. Now I’m in Bangkok, having digital nomadic life. Eat well, sleep well, working hard, exercise well (Muay Thai), Meditate well. I’m alone in my apartment and I sometimes feel lonely but I smile and meditate and go on work. I met many good local friends here while doing some hobbies, many expats who works similar web developments. Life never excited seeing back entire my life. I really feel thankful to those guys who helped me a lot in this subreddit. This is my chapter 2. in my LIFE.
Contribute to NF community
This community chaged my life so much. It changed my life goals, my major, my primary values. So I want to make some apps for fellow fapstronauts. I think panic button app is good but I didn’t use it cause I think it’s somewhat don’t fits to me. I want app more like chains.cc with spreadsheet like version. Like push some good quotes or articles when morning comes. I don’t have that much ideas right now but I really liked to help this community for free. If anyone has some ideas then just reply it to this thread please. I’ll make app that doesn’t need much skills. I don’t have much time to develop specific difficult ideas. (I’m using rails, angulrjs, ionic for my startup these days.)
** TL;DR ** Meditate, Cold shower, Read books, Workout, etc + Confront fear in your real life. It’s all about the man who’s going to be the real man.
Resources that helped me a lot !
This guy helped me when I’m struggling like a hell with my GF. Thanks to your video and deep articles that you made. http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2mfdn4/long_post_90_days_holy_shit_a_reevaluation_of/
I felt similar with him. Especially I re-organized my friendship after reading this. http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2o4tkj/its_been_2_years_started_when_i_was_24_now_26_you/
So much wisdoms in here. http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2c3igj/the_void/
I really like this guy who helped me a lot in my all life problems. Mark manson : the book ‘Models’ and all articles in his blog site. (http://markmanson.net)