It is crazy now to recall what I have been going through. I will soon be 31 year old and by the age of 30 my life turned around for almost 180 degrees to the brighter side. So much has changed.
From being a “freak” that is in love with artificial pleasure I have managed to regain my life and to unite with the nature. I have a girlfriend that I am sure will be my wife and someone that is destined to be in my life and has helped me to become a better person. I spend most of my time now doing something worthy. I get up early and I don’t enjoy anything sexually artificial any more.
I was stuck with porn and sex chats for many years. I got aroused from my habits up to the level when I needed something extreme to get aroused a lot. I had all the classic porn addict symptoms. Worst were falling into pessimism, restless legs syndrome (and stress) and of course not being able to make real love with a real woman and that was terrible! That was like living in a matrix and giving your precious sexual energy away to something very negative and unnatural. Now I recall it like a very strong addiction that I didn’t notice or did not want to notice. It was like a delusional relationship you fall in love to and it eats your life energy. You get your dose to feel better whenever you want but after another moment you feel empty. I got my “wake up call” when I met my girl. I fell in love and we got together after some time and then I understood how bad is it really!! …
My journey to recovery started somewhere in October 2014 and I finally enjoyed making love in June 2015. Imagine?? Well … I was able to have sex somewhere in April already but it was such a hard times when my girl was wondering if she want’s to be with a man like me. So imagine how it felt!? It was fighting for my life and for my love at the same time. For me it took about 6-9 months to finally get my sexuality and life back. There was about 5 relapses. Some were smaller and some were bigger.
I had a very strong addiction and it took so much to fight it. These were the worst parts (BESIDES FINDING THE SOURCE OF WHY YOU GOT ADDICTED):
1. Having a girlfriend made it sometimes easier but sometimes extra hard. I am talking about that it is very hard to fight addiction while you are feeling bad and having a thought that she gives up on you. Just listen to this. There were two times when we did split up and I fell into depression and relapsed. But about two days after she says that she can’t get rid of me (love) while she did not even suspect how much I suffered from this and that it made me relapse. She wants’ to spend a night with me again but I cant do it again. What a nightmare!! On the other side while I felt her support I could be super strong. She always made me go forward and thought me to think about myself.
2. I had strong porn withdrawal symptoms. I even got ill and relapsed then because I had to spend all my time in the bed. Urges were so strong I was not able to withstand. There were also terrible swings in the mood.
3. Understanding that porn is not an option!!!
AND NOW THE MAIN PART OF ADDICTION. I was so desperate I did read a lot of information about addiction. I found a book that helped me enormously and connected myself back to the nature. Eckhart Tolles “The Power of Now”. It appeared that I had a very strong “Pain body”. In a few word I always thought that I do right that I fight all the pain in my live but I had to surrender to it rather than fighting it. I did fight my pain and searched for a relief in orgasms from artificial sexual stimulation and by time it took over me.
I don’t want anything extreme anymore and nasty fetishes are fading away. I get hard with my girlfriend much easier now after we had our first sex. Orgasms feels so natural and the feeling after is super fine. You feel really great after you cum while after porn you had that feeling of emptiness. I had some chaser for another orgasm later but at least there were no urges any more for something artificial. Everything is not great yet. I will take much more time to get things real good but i already enjoy it.
Please ask if You want to hear anything specific that could help You.
BY – Yuri