I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past 90 days, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be healed. The Good News I don’t feel as old. With a seemingly infinite pain tolerance, I can workout like I did in high school, my skin has returned the olive glow it had when I was in middle school and my genuine curiosity for how the world works and how people think continue to blossom in ways that deepen the contrasting colorfulness of life’s challenges.
While I used to speak inauthentically when I held a different view, it’s now easy to say “No”. I maintain eye contact which, aside from deepening my understanding, has helped me start asking questions I’ve always been curious about but always had been scared to hear the answer. I’m starting to awaken the inner child that PMO had been strangling.
As my body fat buffs against single digits, although I’ve lost a little muscle mass, my veins have been popping and my body looks shredded. A shredded body doesn’t really help resolve emotional issues or meet girls (I’ve been pretty anti-social so that might now be true).
I’ve gone from wanting to, as they say in Kabbalah, have the master dominate the horse, but I now want my heart to heal, to become curious as I once was. I’ve gone from a deep desire to see others laugh to work on being vulnerable in the presence of those I love, and hopefully promote them reciprocating. It’s brought me to a level of gratitude where, like Louie CK says, it’s extremely easy to be an American white guy, I feel for those who don’t have my same privilege.
PMO is more ridiculous now than it ever had been in the past, although I have started watching a lot of YouTube which is also a waste of time. It’s so odd that social creatures, like I had, would use P, M or O rather than sharing the experience with someone else. My drive in this process is to be excellent to my life partner and courageous for children who I hope to father.
I’ve been able to start healing in this process and to start crying. Realizing these depths, without this work, I could have seriously fucked up both of these goals. I’m starting to realize that my familial, communal and political goals were modest compared to what I’m capable of (this article may not look great in politics).
Finally, I’ve started snorting when I laugh, it makes others giggle and it feels nice to cause others to do that.
Diet: Low Calorie/Low-Glycemic Index (MyFitnessPal) Exercises: Running, Weights, Yoga, Scottish Showers Psychology: Dream Journal, Daily Journaling about intense feelings, Meditation, Pranayama
The Bad News (I’ll try and keep it short because who likes to read the bad?) Day 90 feels a lot like Day 89. On Day 90, life’s struggles continue to exist, Urges still come and Sexual Addiction is still taboo to discuss, it feels like a secret a close friend isn’t ready to hear. I still fear failure and rejection, I feel lonelier than ever before. The Talmud says that man, without a Woman, will be depressed. Hooking up before a dating, Taking out a girl who doesn’t physically arouse me or dating for some reason other than marriage really doesn’t interest me.
I find my thoughts infected with feelings of remorse for lost opportunities and neglected relationships, I think PMO had been my drug of choice for sedating those thoughts. While I’ve developed gratitude for certain parts of society, e.g. family, friends and this community, other areas have become much uglier to the point that I have lost interest in certain activities that I used to enjoy.
I’ve developed an addiction to exercise, I’m scared to be alone with my thoughts if I don’t, and I’ve begun to genuinely doubt if I’ll ever go back to feeling normal; perhaps I’ve transferred my compulsion rather than dealing with my issues. Rather than feeling more independent, I yearn for my past lover, the abstinence of Hard Mode is brutal. I’m really not sure when/if my abstinence will end; I want to be excellent to those I am closest to and realize my purpose.
My Former therapist, who practices Gestalt, had discouraged me a few times from NoFap leading me to intentionally relapsing to somehow liberate my relationship with sex.
PIED has left me with a flatline that has lasted months and continues. This is confounded by my flaccid schmeckle being about 80% larger than it had been. If my flatline ever ends, I’m very curious what will result as my erections generally felt like they were at 70% for the past few years.
The past week I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and I’ve starting thinking about the big picture. I’ve been fortunate enough, due to some wonderful connections, to experience some very exclusive experiences around the world. However, the most meaningful experiences that I’ve ever had are the ones that cost nothing at all. P & M slowly took away my ability to appreciate those special little moments in pursuit of something greater (that in the end wasn’t all that great). I’m not saying that it’s not worth getting excited about special experiences, I’m saying that P & M taught me to never live in the moment. By living in the moment, and being decisive about what I want, I’m able to live my life today and tomorrow rather than never finding a way to live today.
Brothers, make today the best day, whether it is by doing something that scares you, taking that risk you’ve been dwelling on or simply finding meaning in something that you do everyday. There is a lot of wisdom in our pasts, that are part of our fabric, but they don’t define us, just as the things we own don’t define us. We can choose to be who we want to every day and it’s awesome.
I have been noticing continued improvement with concentration and boundaries with others, I continue to waste time watching YouTube/Netflix. I’m working on not going cold-turkey but simply watching less (maybe a tv show a day). I’ve also purchased a spinning bike and, when I am watching I work out so at least I get a calorie burn/neurotransmitter dump while I’m wasting time watching shows. Anyone else struggling with this and found a sustainable solution?
I’d say that my PIED is recovered assuming that I keep away from porn.
Update Day 318
It never feels like it will. It feels like it will define you, and it will if you let it. You need to heal, get addicted to sweating and be compassionate to those people who are your greatest cheerleaders.
Your inner-child is in there, a warrior waits to realize the greatness that you’re capable of. Stop giving a fuck and be you.