I post in the Women’s section of the forum under J. J stands for JOURNEY, because this is what this has been. And while I would love to write the most positive story here, I am going to write the truth. A journey begins with a decision to change one’s life in a different direction from the one it’s been on.
To make it clear, the journey is a process. There is no journey without struggle. The journey is not perfect, but it is constant. And it really is about the journey, because it never stops.
1 year ago, I made a decision after hitting rock bottom, that I needed help. But the journey began long before. It began the moment I realized I didn’t want to look at porn again. I didn’t recognize myself. I had this secret life and hid it from everyone and yet here I was trying to a Christian, yet inside I was dying and losing myself to this monster of lust.
I tell my story very clearly now. I woke that monster in me. After my mom didn’t believe me that I never watched porn, (although at the time I didn’t understand that there are different levels of it) I decided to check it out. The curiosity lead to me checking it out and then finally acting out on it. I got hooked on the sensation it caused and got trapped into a wilderness. I thought nothing of it until years later, I turned my life back to God and guess what, He took me as I was. That meant that He didn’t miraculously take away the desire for porn, but He did plant a new seed, one that would need growth. I didn’t get over it immediately. I struggled with it then sometimes I gave in and other times I won.
But I knew I wanted to quit, I just wanted to do it my way. My way didn’t work. The longest I lasted was maybe 3-4 months, then relapse. Then the cycle would start, and the guilt, and the asking for forgiveness and not giving in and maybe a few weeks here or a month or two, I would relapse.
A year ago that all changed. I hit a dark spot in my life and for the first time, I had no desire to try anymore, no desire to fight, no desire to live and that’s when I knew I needed to do this God’s way. So I listen, to the voice that had been telling me for years, ask for help. God led me to open up to my sister, and a dear friend, but before that I came to reboot nation and shortly afterwards I took it a step further and really hit a vulnerable point when I sought the help of a therapist who is a life coach. I had been “sober” for maybe 3 months at the time, but I new if I was going to make this work I would have to really commit.
So this didn’t just all happen. It took time. First I came here, a couple of months in, I told my sister, a month later a close friend. A month after that a life coach. And she worked faithfully not only to find the real problem, but she was candid and gave me much needed tough love. I don’t want people to think that wow, I just committed one day and look a year later…
I had my horrible ups and downs. Serious mood swings and a lot of anger came flooding back. Porn is a drug in every sense. There were days I almost gave in. There were moments I thought I didn’t need the help anymore. Then there was the guilt. It wasn’t enough that I would relapse with the MO and that is my next beast because the porn got weaker, the images got weaker and I decided that I would make it to the year before the next phase. While the MO has been further between since there is no input of visual images, it still happens. I gave myself until end of April and then said that’s it, now commit to no more MO.
So it’s a process my friends. One that’s hard to do all alone. Please don’t do that to yourselves. If this is killing you and you desperately want to get over it, take a deep breath and ask for some ears. In my case, the curiosity really did have a root problem. I discovered it through help. So if you know there is a solution, go after it.
You can’t give up just because of a few relapses. JOURNEY, discover why it’s happening, discover what are you really not dealing with. No, it wasn’t easy to open up and I am tired of hearing the lame excuse that you are worried what people will think. Who cares what they think, they are probably doing stuff behind closed doors as well, maybe someone close to you is struggling as well but they are fearing what YOU might think of them. If you are married and afraid to lose your spouse by telling them, guess what you’re still going to lose them if you don’t tell them because it will catch up. It will eat you to your bones and you will begin to react in different ways.
Stop lying to yourself- you can’t do this alone.
I am not perfect, and I am not the expert, no, I have been through it and will continue to go through it because life is all about the journey. I love you guys and want to thank everyone that supported me when I first came on this forum. It was a relief to find others like me and realize I wasn’t a sicko or a weirdo. I just needed to know I am loved and that people care. Then I needed to learn to love myself again. Thank you all again for reading my entries and giving me that boost. Now it’s time to start a new journey.
LINK – 365 DAYS LATER…