Totally different than any other relationship in the past. Sex on the first date. She says that it is the best sex she has ever had and she is very complimentary (almost incredulous) of my lovemaking abilities. It’s almost frightening at times how turned on she gets. It is way better for me than in the past as well. All my senses and my brain are way more tuned in and I can lose myself in the act.
The non-sexual stuff is totally different too. I have a genuine desire to make her happy whenever possible and I worry when she has difficulties in life. I am much more open and less guarded. The kindness that I displayed towards women in the past was phony. I had a facade of caring, but I was really only interested in my own needs and insecurities. Women (at least this one) seem to appreciate genuine kindness. Things are much more reciprocal. Nobody’s playing any games or being selfish. I’m not bending over backwards for her to seek my own gratification, I am truly grateful for what she has already given me and I think that she deserves the best. I meet her needs out of my own volition and I don’t need to be prodded or coerced. Things are way better when you have your self-respect and full sensual awareness. I do have way more in common with her than anybody else I have dated, but I don’t think that it was a coincidence that she came into my life after I was clean.
It is more of a roller coaster now though. The highs are much higher, but I am really missing her after less than 24hrs. In my previous relationships I would try to escape to be by myself every few days because all I was really concerned with was my ego. In the past I found relationships draining because I was always getting self-critical, worried about what she thought of me, thinking that she was judging me. I was doing a lot of judging in past relationships as well. Now I see and create the positives, I realize how important these moments are, and I am eager to fulfill my responsibilities.
LINK – First girlfriend post PMO
The nightmares are gone now and I even have good dreams now and then. It was really frightening the monster I had become. I came close to inflicting violence on myself or others.
Things are looking up now. My hatred for women and general desire to kill has been greatly reduced, almost eliminated at times. I have a lot of emotions returning which I haven’t felt since childhood. I feel connected to nature and my personality feels more whole, balanced, and harmonious. I was internally divided and at war with my sexuality. It was a civil war on many fronts. I’m definitely happier and less stressed, but it will take a while to get impressive results in the external circumstances of my life and in my relationships.
Sex should be experienced because it is a part of life. Sexual tension will be released one way or another (through wet dreams as a last resort). There is no need whatsoever for porn though. I used to think that I would become violently insane if I stopped watching porn or that my penis would stop working if I didn’t “exercise” it on a regular basis. Now I can tell the difference between looking for a fix and fulfilling emotional and biological needs. I still start on the old road “what a terrible day/ what a difficult experience. I need PMO to have the will to go on.”, but then I realize that PMO will not take away any of the pain of my difficult experience, it will only add to it and perpetuate it. Looking at clothed women on the street is now just as exciting and interesting as hardcore porn was.
I am fortunate to be old enough to not have been fully caught up with the high speed Internet stuff at a young age. I had my own mags at age 12 or so. Dial-up Internet came in a few years later, then VHS rentals. My first orgasms were fortunately not to porn. I managed to go for 4-7 days without fairly regularly for years. I went away for work one summer and stashed all my porn in the forest. It was the best summer of my life. I didn’t understand the role that porn played in my experience while away or my psychological breakdown after returning until much later. I lost all control in University. Then I started masturbating to porn for hours a day. This was the first time when I had my own computer and a room where nobody would disturb me. I was going crazy with all the beautiful women around me. I had “manorexia” and started working out and eating constantly. I put on some weight (not and easy task with my metabolism). I quickly went back to my normal size, but I must have caused a hormonal change as I lost my rigid jawline. At around age 28 or so I started making my first attempts to quit. I intentionally made an elaborate setup for my computer where it would take 20 minutes to set it up. This resulted in less frequent, but more extreme binges and I got into some harder stuff. I did an 8-hour session one time and 4 hours was typical. I would ejaculate (or at least experience the sensation of orgasm) 10 times or so in a row at the end. Afterwards I would be really shaken up and feel the need to shower to get the filth off. It would take at least several hours to start feeling human again. Sometimes the orgasms could cause me some pain physically and I could get some urination problems the day after a binge. I started experiencing fewer spontaneous erections, less morning wood, and a reduced quality in my erections (unless I had been masturbating to porn for a bit). I made it for a month porn free one time in there.
I had my first girlfriend at age 23 then went until 30 or so before having a one night stand. After that I had another 5 brief sexual relationships in a short time, but these women either had mental illness or lost interest in me. two of them judged me in a harsh and hypocritical way. When I started with online dating I started to realize that I have an intense hatred for women and how they can judge and manipulate. I quit porn most of the times when I was seeing somebody. There were a few isolated incidents where I wasn’t going to see them for a little bit. With the last two I had watched a bit of porn while dating them. I didn’t have problems obtaining or maintaining erections with real women, but I did have some difficulty attaining orgasm and I felt fairly unsatisfied with sex.
I became aware of my circumcision and the issues caused by that. Members of the forum might want to look into that because they might be getting the double whammy like me. Circumcision will cause sexual and psychological difficulties in all victims.
A lot of people have said that I seemed troubled, but they would make incorrect assumptions thinking that my main problem was mental illness, addiction to other behaviours or substances, a negative outlook, etc. Porn was definitely the main problem. It is the master addiction. After my porn-free streak quitting non-porn Internet addiction, marijuana, opiates, and reducing junk food have been fairly easy. I even quit tiny addictions like picking my nose.
In my opinion, porn is many orders of magnitude more addictive than drugs. I have experienced feelings of boredom and emptiness as well as sleep disturbances. I have been trying not to masturbate too much as well. I was becoming obsessed with trying to make myself reach orgasm using only my mind. I think that this is probably possible, but it is a waste of time and sleep and seems to be very hard on the heart. It was sort of like a meditation, but at the same time I was afraid that I was going to give myself an aneurism or something. I was trying to regain my pre-porn sexuality. I had fond memories of climbing the ropes in elementary school gym class, so I found out that this sort of thing still worked. I discovered that I could ejaculate by humping a tree, which I did several times after staring at young women in Bikinis at the river. This is still perhaps deviant behaviour and not that healthy, but definitely an improvement. Now I am feeling less desperate in trying to recreate the level of intensity with the porn experience. I don’t think that I should try to eliminate masturbation or fantasizing about real women entirely, but I would still like to obtain greater control in this regard and to never push the limits of what my body can handle (once a week non-porn masturbation seems like a realistic goal).
I doubt that I will experience any more relapses in the near future. So far, I am feeling much better about myself and more spiritual. My mood has been better sometimes and worse at others. I think that I have experienced minor improvements in social settings and at work which I would have not experienced otherwise. I have been getting outside a lot and devoting some of my surplus energy to singing and playing piano. Apart from the porno, my lifestyle has been generally very healthy all along and I have a lot of activities which I can do to stimulate my body and mind. I am used to being without media for extended periods of time because I don’t watch TV. It’s pretty hard to imagine giving up porn for good at this point, but I hope to at least make a habit of going for streaks like my last one and see what tomorrow brings. I have a date this week, so I am curious to see how things will go with that.