Age 32 – I don’t have superpowers, but what I do have is a more normal response to the world

Well, I think it’s time for me to post a success story, given that today by 22:00 I’ll be making one full year without porn and masturbation.

I have had orgasms, but only with my girlfriend [which I left], but I had completed five consecutive months of “hard mode” [from July to November, aprox] That’s 150 days, far more than the usually recommended 90 days.

I have been a heavy PMO user since I was 14 years old (or 13, who cares), so that’s 18 years of PMO for me. I have been trying to quit for at least five years before joining the Nation, but I was unable. I was a virgin until last year, and had been sporadically active this year.

What I want to say with my background is that I’m not a newcomer. I have been going to therapy, five days a week for six months, and I’m still attending it three times a week. So this is not about willpower, not in my case, is about having a goal. I can’t speak for everyone here, but I AM an addict beyond any doubt. My success is not giving up a bad habit. It’s not acting out to addiction in a year. That’s a really hard thing to do.

It hasn’t been a nice path. I have been feeling huge amounts of anxiety for months. Starting December last year until probably August. Eight months of anxiety. Sometimes I could barely sleep, I lost lots of weight, until the point where I stopped weighing, because it made more anxious. I couldn’t function properly. Barely any topic interested me. I was unable to speak at social gatherings, because I couldn’t simply focus or get interested.

I felt fear, I was constantly fearing that I’d be alone, that I’d die if I didn’t watch porn. I have linked my journal above in case you want to take a look at those months. For months, I walked aimlessly in life, unable to decide. And I didn’t. I put everything on hold and invested this months to build up my confidence, my self-esteem, to find myself without porn.

It has been totally worth it. I don’t have superpowers, but what I do have is a more normal response to the world. I’m capable now of saying ‘no’ to things I don’t want; to not need reassurance to feel secure; not to need the girl’s attention to feel that I’m a man (this is a work in progress still); the power to be alone and enjoy it; the power to feel bad and forget about it in a brief time.

These are not superpowers. This is really basic stuff. But for someone who was lacking them, as I was, it’s huge. So I’m not surprised to see people talking about superpowers. If you don’t compare yourself to others, they really are. It’s like awakening to a new world, with its own set of rules and a new life to build.

This has been the hardest time of my life, but somehow it’s also the happiest. Because I can take the bad things and the good things. Because I now feel in control.

To all of you still struggling, don’t get discouraged, and do everything that’s within your power to adquire sobriety. Even if that means moving to another city, is OK. For me, it was better to lose some months of my life and to get back the rest of it.

My journal:

LINK – One year without porn

BY – tostadora