PMO has been an issue for me since I was a kid! I remember being surprised the first time I ejaculated. I have never had a wet dream. It basically started with victorias secret catalogs and late night shows on cable, then dial up internet, and so on.
I never really thought I had a huge problem, and I still don’t think I have it as bad as many people do. I’m married, and I have a good career. I have two kids. I don’t avoid my family to PMO, I don’t skip out on work. What it did, is take over all of my free time and hobbies.
The other amazing thing is that nobody knows about it! Not my family or friends. I have discussed porn with my wife before, and while she says that she is OK with me looking at it, I know she would prefer me not to, and she doesn’t have any interest in it.
I have been working on nofap for a while. My account here is like 3 years old now. In that time, I probably never made it past 30 days before. This is the first time I have made it past 90 days.
As I’m sure many of you understand, I didn’t even have to be “horny” to look. It was just what I did. Bored, looking for a release or a way to relax… Always chasing that dopamine rush. The content was escalating. Sadly enough, just looking at porn wasn’t even enough to keep me interested. Probably about five years ago I found it more stimulating to browse through escorts in my area. I signed up for affair websites and started communicating with women. It probably took about two years for me to actually act on that. I started hitting up massage parlors about once a month. I had a few one-time affairs with married women.
Over the past six months, probably, I started having issues maintaining an erection while looking at porn. I was having a really bad streak and basically any chance I got on I was on the computer. My lowest point was when I had set up an affair with a woman who was actually quite attractive, we met, and I could barely get an erection. After that, I honestly felt like a drug addict that almost OD’d… I had truly given into my problem.
That was my “rock bottom.” After that, I knew I had to stop. I was basically so disgusted with myself that the first 30 days were easy, and after that I just kept going. I have been very strict with myself. I don’t look at anything sexual, I try not to linger on anything. I have even been good at controlling my thoughts and not fantasizing or thinking back too much about anything. I haven’t even opened my old email account. I am doing everything I can to repair my brain.
So, how am I doing now? What is different for me than it was 130 days ago? On the good side, I have a lot more free time! I exercise more. Things that seemed impossible before, like counting calories, don’t seem like a big deal now. My motivation is better to accomplish things. I feel more engaged with my life. I notice I don’t tend to doubt myself as much. However, I am not a completely changed person. In fact, I’m mostly still the same. I definitely realize that I could quickly slip back to where I was before. I don’t really have “urges” to PMO, but I didn’t have urges for a long time even before. It was just what I did. It would be so easy to pick up right where I left off.
My relationship with my wife is good, but our sex life has not been great, obviously, for a long time. Even since before we were married, really. About a month after I stopped PMOing I picked up the book “No More Mr Nice Guy.” I had been thinking about reading it for a long time, since I know that I am a “nice guy,” but I never got around to it because I was too busy with porn. Reading it has been interesting for me. I’ve learned that I have hidden contracts with my wife regarding sex and I used that to justify my porn usage. Like, “my wife won’t have sex with me as much as I’d like and I’m a good husband who picks up the kids and does the dishes, so I will look porn since I deserve it.” It was like this weird justification I would make. I deserve to have as much sex as I want, so if she doesn’t give it to me, then I should be able to get something else instead. Of course, I used same excuse to justify the cheating, too.
My biggest question now is whether I should come clean to my wife. I don’t think I will. I really think all it will do is hurt her, and she doesn’t deserve it. It would just transfer my guilt onto her. That would be easier for me, of course. I of course have a desire to be accepted and loved for who I am, but coming clean would put my marriage at risk, hurt my wife and kids, all that stuff… I feel like I should come clean to someone, so for now, it’s just you fapstronauts. I haven’t posted on here much, but it’s nice knowing this community is here and I’ve been helped reading other peoples posts.
I’m working to improve myself, and improve my marriage. It makes me sad to think about all the time I have wasted. Literally countless hours just thrown away, with nothing to show for it, and actually harming myself.
Good luck to you guys. Don’t make the same mistakes I have. Stop before you’ve done something that you can’t take back.