My major success to share is this: I came from intercourse for the first time in my life last week, and then again three days later.
I’m 33 years old and have been having sex with different girls for about 10 years. It became an absolute massive source of frustration and disappointment over-and-over again that I never came during sex. I had other intimacy issues due to childhood events which prevented me fully trusting and letting go and being fully present with girls which I’ve been addressing through therapy for 7 years now.
But having done a lot of that work and becoming more comfortable around women I still found that I couldn’t feel them and no amount of sex would make me come. Sometimes hand jobs would do it but other times the girl in question would get a tired arm or I’d tell her stop as I was concerned it took too long. All the while I would have been using P to masturbate alone when not with them. Funnily, I thought P was preparing me for sex. I was so so wrong.
So last week, on day 38 of no PMO (my longest streak) I had sex and I came during sex, after only 20 minutes and it felt great. The relief of it happening after so many years of dreaming about it was incredible. I never thought it would happen. I entertained thoughts at times that it would never happen in my life, that I might just have to live with it.
The few things I have done in the last few years that describe how I got to this success (positives and negatives) and give a timeline of how things developed:
- meditation and mindfulness
- strenuous exercise and yoga
- maximising good sleep
Specifically to PMO:
- I first resolved to quit PMO about two years ago and I immediately achieved a no PMO streak of 28 days. Then relapsed for a few weeks (“I might as well enjoy it for a few days before quitting again”). I bargained with myself a lot to quit later.
- I bargained with myself and quit P but not pics of girls in bikinis and lingerie (which I now avoid). I went 400+ days without P. During this time I stopped touching myself and experimented with the idea of coming through pure concentration (I’ve been meditating for a few years now – this seemed like an extension to my practice – it was also bargaining to not quit M and O). I have to say, I had some success on this front, even gentle movements during M etc would make me come. BUT, during this period I had ED several times with girls I considered very attractive so what I was doing wasn’t a complete solution and ultimately I, and they, we’re left disappointed and wondering why this was happening.
- About 4 or 5 months ago I caved and watched P and for about two months I binged on PMO. I didn’t care and just thought “fuck it, I’ll quit later”. I had lost all intention and commitment to my goal, I guess from disappointment at being broken up with by a girl I was seeing after about 6 months. In hindsight, it was a good thing. I came twice the whole time and never during sex.
- Having binged and binged I realised my lack of intention and commitment left me feeling like a victim and I resolved to recommitted. So 43 days ago I quit PMO and decided I would not bargain or experiment or tolerate any slipping. Around day 12 I went on a date with a girl who I really like (and am still dating) and was glad that she didn’t want to have sex immediately, it gave me a chance to have rebooted more by the time it eventually happened. There were evenings I was so turned on leaving her that I felt compelled to relieve the pressure, but I wouldn’t, and, wet dreams released the pressure (I don’t consider them a reset). One night on around day 30 I nearly came in my pants and was delighted by this (DE has always been the biggest frustration for me).
The insights I can offer to those on the journey:
- Journal – I’ve always kept a journal. On this streak I mark each new day of abstinence in what is almost a mini-ceremony by writing the word “Day” and the number in larger intricate letters, it draws my attention for longer than scribbling and I am really reminded about why I’m doing it.
- Educate yourself about why this has happened you. Knowledge is power. There are emotional, physical and societal reasons we do this. The gap in my knowledge was the neurological reasons. When I understood this I was better armed for success. I don’t believe success is achieved through only quitting PMO though it is a large piece of the puzzle. Quitting it will give the time and opportunities to learn other positive things and gain introspection and understanding of one’s self. Some people will need to consider therapy.
- I came up with a mantra about how disappointed I’d be with a relapse and set it as a reminder on my phone to go off at vulnerable times when I’d be alone.
- Filter trigger sites that pop up through other people’s “likes” on Facebook newsfeed I.e. Laddish sites that show tits and ass. I had to get rid of pinterest and instagram. Too many suggestive photos that are easy to access.
I now really enjoy being with the girl I’m seeing, and her human body with its “imperfections” (I put that in inverted commas because her body seems perfect to me even though she is nothing like the models online who are pimped and made up and airbrushed or nipped and tucked).
It’s taken me a while but it has been so worth it. No matter what, don’t quit. Learn to recognise that voice that says you’ll fail, and that it is just a creation of the mind and not actually real.
As an aside I’ve noticed women pay me more attention.I feel more capable of having enjoyable sex because I haven’t spunked my motivation into a tee-shirt. I’m less of a slave to impulse. I want to pursue relationships over gratification. I have more time to use for self improvement and spirituality. No shame that follows watching P. It has had a genuinely positive impact on my life.
Stay the course!