Age 34 – ED: I feel I am healing physical and my brain is repairing itself

I’ve made it to 90 days hard mode and I’m really proud of my achievement, and wanted to share my experience. Without discovering this movement I’m not sure I would have made this change in my life.

Firstly I would like to thank my accountability partner for sticking with me and this community. The strength I have gained from the practical advice and testimonies of people on here going through what I’ve been through has been invaluable. So I thank the people who are running this site and doing such a great thing for this world.

So where do I start!

From my early teens I had started to look at the lingerie section of clothes magazines, that led to seeking out naughty films on tv. Then I was introduced to a porno through friends but I didn’t really understand what was going on! I was brought up in a pretty strict catholic family and sex was never really discussed. I think that was a big problem because if the heaviness of all that stuff could have been reduced, the fear and anxiety of sex and the shame would have been reduced maybe. Anyway once we got internet and a computer I started to seek out porn, starting with softer stuff until as you all know it got to harder stuff and so on. I would go on it when everyone had gone to bed in secret and edge for hours then MO. Feeling awful in the morning with guilt and shame but I couldn’t stop doing it for years and years. I moved out to live alone a few years later and carried on my behaviour. I felt alone before I started all this and thought my mam didn’t love me. I know now that she does love me but my emotions where all over the place and I made the wrong wrong choices. I wish I could turn back the clock.

Anyway that sort of turned my heart away from my family and god because I couldn’t talk about my anxieties of guilt about sex. I should say I was very anxious about body image and that was a really difficult thing for me. I decided for some reason to engage in one night stands even though I knew deep down it was wrong and empty and just kept me feeling bad. My first sexual experience was awful and I had ED. I know now that was due to PMO. I thought it was because I felt so guilty about having sex outside of marriage. Maybe the anxiety is part of that? I had a number of experiences like that and could never perform and O. So I’ve never had a meaningful relationship ever which is such a regret. My last experience I even introduced P during it for me to O. That was the first time I had O in front of a girl and it was awful really. I have known for the last ten years that I needed to change my behaviour (before that I thought it was ok to carry on like I was because I felt embittered that I had this pressure of not having sex until I was married).

I first looked into catholic forums about sex and that provided some help but I still couldn’t change. It was only when I came across this site that I made a conscious choice to change. Being part of a movement that other people had been successful in have me such hope.

I tried hard mode about 3/4 times and my best stint was 70 days. But all my previous attempts involved edging and the occasional P. Failing these attempts was crushing and although difficult to start again, made me determined to keep going.

But now I have made it to 90. Wow didn’t think I would ever be able to achieve that.

I think when you keep encouraging yourself to get to your goal you can do it. We are amazing us humans.

During these 90 days there have been difficult times but I think only twice did I briefly seek out a sex tv station but never acted on it. I was dissapointed with myself but I got back up again.
I have taken up yoga, weight training, swimming, cycling and football. I walk a lot and take cold showers. I am taking a lot more interest in the world around me, and I have a lust for learning about meditation and Buddhism, vegetaranism. I’ve gone veggie and feel much better for it. Think I’ve lost a stone and have never felt healthier. I’m 34 now. My guitar playing has improved so much now that I have noticed im playing with groove and good timing. That is something I have never achieved having played for nearly 20 years! The change is remarkable. I am a much better swimmer, working on a new thing each time I go to the pool. I could hardly do many lengths now I can do 50-60 in a session no problem.

I just have a lot more energy now. I sleep well and eat well. I smile a lot more and I’m much more confident with girls. I’m not sure about all these superpowers I think it’s just we lose all our inner powers when we succumb to PMO.

I have been waking up with the occasional erection which hasn’t happened for many many years so I feel I am heeling physical and my brain is repairing itself hopefully.

I intend to try to not be a slave to this any more and live a life that I should have from the start, but life isn’t like that. I hope and pray to God that I don’t fail and go back to P when life is hard. I have made it this far and that gives me huge encouragement. I realise that if I want a fulfilling life I can’t live it the way I have in the past. I have been ticking off the days in a calendar and I intend to stop that as well as regularly posting to my accountability partner. It’s time to move on and live life even more fully.

Having said that I’m happy to offer any advice that anyone on here is looking for.

I am single at the moment but I am on the dating scene so hopefully I will meet someone special one day. I am comfortable with who I am now. God bless your efforts. If I can do it, you can too.

LINK – Made it to 90 days hard mode

by Fran1981