Over 2 years ago I was a lost soul. I didn’t have a job so I spent a lot of time on the internet browsing, PMO, netflix, and youtubing. I stumbled upon the TedX talk “The great porn experiment” video. This is how I discovered reddit, as well as this sub.
My first go at it and I started off strong! I believe I went over 30 days before relapse. I kept managing to get big 30, 40+ day streaks and I was super psyched and enthusiastic about this sub. I was feeling great during those streaks. All those “super powers.” I did and experienced it all- the cold showers, flatlines, working out, etc. I was visiting this sub several times a day. I think it was towards the end of my first year I really thought I made it. I got to a whopping 86 days and was preparing a 90 day report until I caved in to an urge..
..I thought to myself- What’s the difference between today (when i made it to 86 days) and 4 days from now? I know I can do 4 more days so what’s gonna change at 90 days? after 90 days? I know I can go long streaks without PMO. I had been mostly without PMO that whole year. Am I really going to quit PMO for the rest of my life? I was alone and bored feeling intensely horny so I rubbed 1 out without porn, reset my badge, and figured I was pretty much rebooted and in control.
I still tracked my streaks after that, but they were getting shorter and shorter. 2 weeks average i’d say. A few 30+ streaks here and there. I was getting tired of visiting this sub, and I started becoming a regular redditor going to r/all all the time. I stopped by here every once and a while, but then I began to resent this sub. I started feeling that it was a circlejerk, and that everything that was joked about this sub was true. “It’s a cult” etc. I started to notice reposts and the same old memes and 90-day reports. The sub lost it’s novelty.
Though still single, I really was beginning to become more happy with my life. I got myself back into school. I got a new job, and i was surrounded by people all the time. Whenever i came back to check this sub i cringed at the thought that I was a ever a fapstronaut. I would read through top posts and thought, “holy shit! I used to think and post just like that! Man, was I a weird and creepy loser!” But I continued to PMO whenever I pleased and it spiraled out of control again. Probably not coincidentally, things in my life did too.
I had too much pride at that point to come back here, but approaching 2 years I was disappointed that I simply didn’t accomplish a goal. I broke down and got emotional and angry. 90 days is a goal first and foremost and I never accomplished that goal. Fuck the super powers, benefits, or anything else- I just have to accomplish this fucking goal that I set out to do. I just have to do it for myself, and not any sub, person, girl or anything. Just accomplish the fucking goal.
I struggled. 1 day, 4 days, 2 days, etc. I struggled so much more than when I initially started because the challenge had lost it’s novelty for me. There was nothing anyone could post here that I hadn’t already seen or that could help me. The sub just wasn’t inspiring me anymore, but I realized my resentment for this sub was really my resentment and shame of myself. So I still came here mostly to check on my streak and occasionally read good posts. I didn’t like coming here, and i still don’t honestly because it reminds me of who i was.
But the truth is I needed this sub to get out of this sub. I have an addiction. I was inspired by fapstronauts before me that helped me initially. They weren’t all the same. They all had different stories that touched me, and if they didn’t take the time to tell it here I may not ever have been able to get over the hump and be as happy as I am now. Since I started this i’ve read more books then I ever did my entire life. I did a marathon. I went through a 10 day silent meditation retreat. I’m kicking ass in school and at work. I’ve made a lot of friends. I work out and run all the time. This is my new normal. These are my new habits. I’m still single, but i’m very happy and I meet potentials all the time.
I WAS a fapstronaut. But I don’t want to be a fapstronaut anymore. I just want to be a happy man. Right now i’m definitely on my way. Thank you for your time.