I can remember the days as a teenager when my desires for girls consisted solely of kissing them, “cuddling” with them, and at most, having oral sex and penis-vagina sex. I would see attractive girls and simply want to “be” with them, and not want to degrade them in extreme sex acts. But then I fell down the deep, dark chasm of porn addiction. It has taken nearly two decades to painstakingly climb out.
A few times in my early teen years, I had viewed a few Hustler and Penthouse magazines. Perhaps it was at these times that the seed was planted that was to sprout years later. During my first year at college, I found a box of items that used to belong to someone who had lived in my apartment. One of the things I found in it was a XXX pornography VHS tape. This video combined with my first usage of the Internet (it was 1998) set me down a lonely and painful path.
The combination of being a naturally horny 21-year-old and the availability of free porn of all stripes was a very harmful combination for me, and also for many, many other young men out there. It wasn’t long before 90% of my orgasms were porn-induced vs. 10% or less from my girlfriends. As we all now know, training your brain to respond primarily to porn for sexual pleasure is a trap that is so tempting and difficult to resist.
If I had to guess, I probably had on average 3-4 porn-induced orgasms per week for seventeen years (1999 – 2016). Do the math.
Of course, my original simple desires which I mentioned above were soon replaced by more extreme demands from my brain. Initially, the sight of a naked woman or a vulva was enough to make me come in a minute. As the years wore on, I needed “alternative” sex acts to climax, so I started to view lesbians, granny women, fat women, hairy women, scat, and most seductively, anal sex including analingus, fisting, and ATM (resulting in an anal sex fetish which I am still trying to shake). As you can guess, none of my girlfriends (and later, my wife) could provide me with any sexual thrills to compete with these perversions.
I guess I was luckier than many other addicts – I never suffered from erectile dysfunction and I was plenty attracted to real world women…I just wanted to use and debase them as I had seen in the videos.
Last year during my 16th year as a porn addict (2015), I noticed that no matter how “extreme” the porn was, it was no longer thrilling and satisfying me as it had in the past. After thousands of porn-induced orgasms, I was starting to get desensitized – to everything sexual. Sadly, my sexual desire for my wife had also plummeted in recent years which was putting a strain on our marriage.
Around the time the desensitivity started (summer 2015), I began to experience some symptoms of ill mental health. They included: persistent lightheadedness, abnormal/unfocused vision, and anxiety which sometimes woke and kept me up at night. Probably I was also mildly depressed. I started seeing doctors including general practitioners, ENTs, optometrists and neurologists but they could find nothing physiologically wrong with me. I did not have vertigo or Manniere’s disease, my eyes were healthy and MRIs of my brain came back clean.
In May 2016, the combination of worrying about my health, stress at work and home, and a very stressful life event led me to finally give in to taking anti-depressants (sertraline and buspirone). My libido had crashed, and after six days of taking the meds I got some very bad news that led me to have a breakdown; it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I lay in bed for three days and I broke out sobbing like a baby a few times. My mental health symptoms now included:
- Major depressive disorder (diagnosed by a psychiatrist)
- Anxiety
- Insomnia
- Brain fog (including some derealization/depersonalization)
- Abnormal/unfocused vision
- No libido
I decided to permanently quit both porn and caffeine (am I a glutton for punishment or what?). I last viewed porn on May 18, 2016. A few days later I deleted my “precious” 30 gigabyte porn collection.
I had been through a few rough spots in my life previously, but I had never fallen so low as I had last May. I am convinced that a combination of tough times plus porn withdrawal led me to hit rock bottom.
I have known for a long time that porn was very much an evil, but I could not stop. Porn exploits and perverts our natural curiosity and interest in sex, and for men in particular who are so visually stimulated it is a sweet poison indeed. Porn also presents a very phony depiction of human sexuality. I feel sorry for young men today who have been so influenced by porn that they assume that the girls they meet are definitely going to want to have group sex, lesbian sex, anal sex, etc. I have read a few news articles in recent years claiming that pornography use and addiction is also on the rise among females, which is disturbing.
Since June 10th I have been on buproprion (aka Wellbutrin). I started seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist to whom I admitted my addiction, and it was honestly very liberating. Unlike many “rebooters” out there, I do not struggle with or have a fear of relapsing. I am honestly so disgusted and “done” with porn that my big concern now is getting my brain and libido back to normal.
I am doing somewhat better than those dark days in May, but I still struggle with a little brain fog, depression and anxiety. I plan on continuing my meds and seeing my therapist and psychiatrist.
I wanted to share my story to hopefully encourage other addicts to permanently quit porn, and to discourage new porn users from continuing their descent. I would welcome any feedback or questions. Thanks for reading.
LINK – 17 year porn addict now 47 days free…my story for the record
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