Age 38 – I found and faced a lot of my inner fears


365 days of No PMO. It’s only been one year, feels like 3 years. I am not a handy person, a fitness guy, social, nor wealthy. The following ventures are over a period of months and months, and not all at once. It all started with energy, the first thing that increased in my life, physically and mentally.

Never worked out in my life, but I do now. Several months ago, found myself at /r/homegym, looking to build a home gym, and some how I started, and completed the project. The extra mental energy helped me look up what rack to get, what barbell to get, what weight set to get. I still don’t know what I’m doing but, I sure as fuck am learning, constantly, even more strangely, consistently. Plywood? Drill? Drill bits? Nuts/Bolts,washers all new to me, oh yeah and the wood finish. I have a tool set now. Seriously, wtf. Never worked out in my life. Found 5×5 as a good starting program from /r/fitness. Squats, Bench Press, Overhead press, Rows, Dead lifts, and nutrition. Didn’t know what they were, but I’m learning while doing.

I started noticing the differences in my workout performance, depending on what I ate. So I figured it was time to learn how to eat. Turns out eating properly not only enhances physical performance, but mental too. Then… after a few months…more energy! So I tried heavier weights and earned some body pain. Googled and read in /r/fitness, learned about stretching, learned to love the sore feeling of accomplishment. Must learn proper form to prevent future injuries, dangit. Didn’t know how important that is. Practice. My base body temperature is higher now than before. I used to get cold so easily, now, I sweat like its nothing, and drink water, and love it. I need to learn to track macros.Fitness and nutrition, this is a new aspect in my life, which I hope to endure and always improve on, forever.

Meanwhile, my day job as a graphic designer is no more. As I became much more focused and efficient. There were days I had nothing to do, and asked for more work. I needed more. My brain wanted more, and could no longer endure the same shit different day grind outs. Fuck it, Resigned. I was unemployed for 3 months and loved it. I read books, kindle. I hate reading, but I do it, because my brain wants to think and imagine things, you know what I mean. My mind wants to be occupied now like it’s empty, like the way my body hungers if I don’t eat a couple meals. Learning about Solar panels, LED lights, soldering, building websites, video editing, making an effort to increase vocabulary, increase meditation time duration, how do watches work? Repaired a monitor, soldered capacitors, seeing how my brain learns and explores. I have a new job now, and it’s better, I’m outside more, and learning. However, I think, I need to build my own company in a few years, something fun, with something new every day, I can see the thoughts slowly creeping in.

Socially, I go outside now. By myself, mostly-sometimes. Movies, restaurants, hiking. Oh yeah, I hike on some weekends now. I realized how many toxic friends I had, burned them all off. Changed my phone number. Gave the new number to only a few people I liked, including relatives. Huge weight lifted.

Overall, I feel clean, like I was cleansed, but I’m still on the path to getting clearer. I found and faced a lot of my inner fears. My insecurities & anxiety are nowhere near where they used to be. Confidence needs to be built by doing. You don’t need confidence to do things, it friggin grows as you’re doing the thing, and get better at it. I either read this somewhere, or saw a YouTube video, don’t remember, but it’s true for me. I still have low self esteem, and confidence, but the moment I think I suck at something, I do it. The moment my curiosity pops about something, I look into it. That initial umph, the initial drive, the will to learn, explore, and be curious sprouted through nofap, the extra energy. My brain and mind, personality, it’s different. I’m willing to learn, change, learned how to learn, mostly by doing, which required initiative reinforced by active mind, body, and will. I never would have left my job, built a power rack and lifting platform, asked the lady at home depot a hundred questions about tools and plywood, oh yeah, I talk to people at stores, anytime I have a question. No Fear of talking to strangers. I Got lost in a mountain, and didn’t shit my pants. I Learned to enjoy exploring new trails now, as if they were neural pathways exploring my mind. Clearing it. Observing it. Enjoying it.

This is life now. I still get depressed, lonely, insecure, have negative thoughts, go on ego trips, all internally. It’s just easier to overcome with this boost of mental energy, instead of being ensnared into idleness and PMO’ing. Sorry if my thoughts are jumbled here and there

LINK –  Age 37/m/365 Days Hard Mode. Reporting in.

by drunklegion


I feel inclined to post this wall of text even though a part of me wants me to stay quiet about it, but am doing so on the off-chance of it just may help someone else, as all your posts have helped me.

Background: Started self stimulation at age 14 consistently, 1-3 times a week, until 90+ days ago. This is my first attempt. Never had a girlfriend, am a virgin.

Intentions: I started this with the mindset of not doing anything else except no PMO. I did not want to work out, or read books, or stop gaming, or do any other positive changes to better myself other than PMO. I wanted to know if noPMO really does give “super powers.” The only change I DECIDED was No PMO.

Physical Changes: Well shit…I couldn’t not work out. While fighting the urges to jerk off, my brain kept urging me to either relapse, or work out due to this extra physical energy + hornyness. So I did whatever I could, which is pushups, sit ups, squats. Just until the urges went away. I didn’t care about how many I could do, I just wanted the urges gone. I Started with pushups, but then my dick would hit the floor, making me want to edge, so I felt that I needed to switch to squats(but then rubbed a couple times btwn my thighs up & down). Then to stop that rubbing, I tried sit-ups, but my back hurt so I went to /r/bodyweights, and did leg lifts, and now I have a frigging pull up bar to where I was able to 0 pull-ups…to now I’m maxing out 11. To keep this goal of no PMO, somehow this became a routine, wanna jack? Work out.

Around day 40, after a horrible multi week flat-line+Emo Trip, I bought a doorway pull up bar out of rage during my emotional instability phase. Sad, happy, lonely angry, enraged, didn’t even know I had these feelings to such intensity. My brain was fucked. I think this flat-line was the key to recovery then on to discovery. Eventually, I acclimated to overcoming the physical urges of masturbation. I think my brain chemistry was changing during these few weeks because each day waking up was accompanied with suicidal thoughts at first, and Now, I wake up smiling for no fucking reason. I do not fucking smile in the mornings, but apparently I do now. Wtf. 🙂

Mental: So at this point I’m trying to gain more control over my thoughts. I found a tiny bit of self esteem rising out of this. Like, I’m doing something, by not doing “it”. I felt like now in order to control my thoughts i needed a mental routine like the work outs to stop the physical urges, I needed a mental routine to prevent nude imagery or yeah… my brain was packed with nude images and clips to which I was able to edge to. At first, I was to only watch YouTube & Netflix series and get some gaming on, only to realize there were too many triggers in all of these, yes the video game characters were enough to get me started…judge me if you want, I judge myself harder 😛 So to combat this I switch to documentaries, educational YouTube videos, comedies, skits, etc. Eventually I had to stop Netflix. Then I ended up stopping instagram, pinterest, dating apps. I was fucked in the head now with boredom. Constantly lying in bed with nothing to do or watch. Getting depressed, lonely, nothing I couldn’t handle, so I exercise again out of boredom, I guess its all part of the journey. One night I figured I might as well try meditating, so I hit up YouTube for meditation videos. on YouTube helped me out a lot. Then through meditation videos and tips, I kept realizing there are so many areas in my mental framework that needed mending.

Re-started up my planted aquarium tank that i stopped a while back. Built that up again, relaxing for me.

I don’t read books and never learned to enjoy them. However, I just ordered a Kindle, and am going to try putting in positive messages into my mental framework and overwrite the smut, as I know they’re still in there. This is just my thought process. I hate reading, but, I know I need to do this. I’m gonna read 100 years of solitude as my next goal.

Anyway, I feel much more stable now. I can go 1-2 days now w/out a single thought that makes me even want to edge. Sometimes I’ll nudge my dick just to make sure my dick is still working, it definitely is.

Conclusion: I’m still trying to attain more control over my thoughts by cutting out triggers and especially potential triggers. I found a tiny bit of self esteem rising out of this. Now I can’t not stop thinking about improving my mind. My ideals on what a relationship is has changed. Things I want in a girl have changed. I keep seeing all these areas in my mental framework that needed mending and remolding. What it means to have a family, friends, relatives, human relations. I don’t have super powers. I thought my life was somewhat normal for this day and age, but now I only see how deluded, fucked up I truly was and still am. I didn’t even know I was addicted until I actually started noFAP. I can only imagine how many other people are worse off than me, and still not have a clue that they have problems. I just wanted to see my potential super powers. Girls staring, increased memory, increased self awareness. Now, in my mind, I think all of these have always been happening, but I just couldn’t see it due to the brain fog or the fucked up reality that was in my head, and still partly is. This sub opened my eyes in so many ways. A true paradigm shift of the mind through noFAP in my experiences, to which I’m truly thankful to /r/nofap.

This thanksgiving I actually got invitations for dinner & actually attended, which I HATE going to social gatherings. It was awkward at first, as I usually have a hard time talking to people. But, this time, I was a great listener. My brain was just turned up, picking up all these queues, noticing body languages, moods, as opposed to just trying not to stare at boobs or ass, or other guys trying not to offend anyone. I was asking questions with a genuine interest of whom and how these people are, it was weird, like I care about them, because I genuinely did. I did not drink any alcohol as it may lead to a trigger, and,t his was the first social gathering I’ve scheduled w/out flaking out in almost 10 years. This year I’m going to go to a Christmas gathering, and New Years. Thank you.

P.S – No super powers for me, mostly just increased awareness and self observations. However, I do feel like…this is only the beginning for me. As if the super powers may still arrive later, lol. Soooo, I’m gonna try noPMO until 120. Then maybe till 190. Oh, and there are times where I feel like I’m A-sexual, and I need to nudge myself to see if I’m still a sexual being. Weird.

LINK – 37 yr old, 90 Days(hard-mode) Completed, Reporting in.

by drunklegion

EARLIER POST (following previous one)

Due to the encouragement of my past post, I report in as I feel honored to share my personal experiences on this fapless journey we share. Not a single orgasm in 123+ days(smh un-fucking-believable).

I apologize for not responding to any past comments. I do and did read them all. I have noted all suggestions and recommendations and I will get through them. All those books recommendations, videos, youtube channels, so much great info. Thank you.

Summary of days 1-90.

Days 1-90 are like noob gains and boot camp. Like when you first work out, you’ll go through a lot of self-break-downs, muscle soreness,chemical changes in the brain re-balancing, the brain will come up with logical reasons finding the benefits of jacking off, or to not work out. We learn to shut down those thoughts through practice. Eventually, the brain learns, adapts and re-calibrates. At first, the progression in changes are very fast, feeling a wide range of emotions, aggression, wanting to fucking do something to avoid jacking. For me, in my hateful depressed mind, it was NoFapp or death. I hate(d) myself. I was a zombie. Self-Despised. Self-Loathed. Angry. Ready for death & separation, ready to become free from flesh & leave the world I had nothing to offer, and nothing I wanted.

Days 90-123+

I attended a Christmas event with relatives. I like my relatives.I’m trying to be more social. Taking baby steps. Tiny steps. Okay, so, Yea…My soul was drained down to the core…I died. Well, at least that’s how it felt, sorta.

Some Context

I was invisible. I stay in my office with one other person, working in web/graphics. Most of my job is checking emails as my tasks fill up the inbox, and I knock em out. Usually, I try to avoid people, just do my work, and gtfo. Now, I find myself being curious on what type of humans I’m surrounded by. All of these assholes…full of their office politics and bullshit ass kissing condescending demeanor mother fuckers…who were they really…so I asked. Every chance I got. Also practicing to be more social. Any one who nods or sees me, I introduced myself, and I would literally say..” Hey, I’m (guy), who are you?” I must have creeped out and created countless moments of awkwardness. WTF, this isn’t me…I don’t do small talk. What the fuck…I don’t care about these people, they’re not family. Why am I doing this. Am I wanting to be seen? Do I want to be a part of this office politic gossiping soul sucking rumorville? No. No. No. I know I need to be more social but this just wasn’t me…

I don’t know who I am anymore…That Christmas weekend, I died. I didn’t just feel empty, and lonely, the void in my soul multiplied exponentially to a whole new level of absolute dark nothingness. That night as I lay in bed, a black cloud of emptiness filled my room and I was drained from trying to be more sociable. I had no willpwer left to control my emotions on check…and went into some kind of mental state of submission, I just let the empty nothingness spread and consume me. I felt tears swell up and drip from the corners of my eyes as I close them to sleep, but I felt something else, a warmth. Crying to sleep was another emotion I secretly carried that started with nofapp that I never mentioned earlier because, I wasn’t ready to admit it. So..this is still a bit new to me. I understand body temperature rising, but this was different, I couldn’t sleep. I’ll admit there was a certain comfort of crying to sleep but this time, the tears just kept rolling down my cheeks in utter silence. It would not fucking stop. I shifted to my side as my nose started to get runny, fuck. Is this just another crazy mood swing? The tears wouldn’t stop. I don’t know why…or how to stop crying, and I don’t how much time passed, but mother fuck, stop fucking crying fucking piece of shit, fuck, fuck, stop, fucking fuck. Am I a crying little bitch now? Fuck! I guess I’m a fucking cry baby now…fucking great. So Fuck. fucking fine…I let the thought of me being a cry baby resonate with me. I became aware of how completely vulnerable I was.

Eventually the tears stopped w/out me knowing, I lay in bed eyes still closed, bathing in the silent nothingness, I felt like I was floating. soon after that, that, that…is when it hit me…This…is me. This was me getting re-introduced to the core of who I am. I’m not sure if I found me, or if I am just now starting to see me, these emotions, anger, sadness, depression, smiles, contentment, this is me. I’m human. I’m a person. I…exist. Some more tears came out, but it wasn’t bad, now, it was actually…good. I was just being, obersving myself. More importantly..accepting. Its ok to be a little bitch. Its ok to smile. Its ok to be happy when you take monster shits. Its ok when someone looks at you with disgust, because its all you, and its all me.

I try to stay as close to me as possible now, to learn and explore me. As I face myself…I also face you, the reader. In this state of mind, I was thinking how You and I, we, everyone is the same at the core. Forget about the things that happend to you in the past, or who you think you are, or the country you’re from.

It was through the loneliness I was forced to spend time with myself, I felt like each mood swing I ever had were all tiny introductions of getting to know myself. I had gradually become an empty container. I was empty! It was awesome. This emptiness isn’t the dark empty nothingness. I’m saying now….The emotional baggage I had…whatever it was…has been drained. Well, this is just how it feels…weight lifted off shoulder type of deal, I don’t know. Chalk it up to just another phase in NoFApp. Probably just chemicals in my head again. Dang. Its like psychological exploration. The more I know me, the more I know you. I don’t need to introduce myself to everyone in the world to be social. I just need to know me, so I can more easily share myself to others. From this thought, I start thinking about how to share ones self physically, mentally, or just by texting, and sharing on /r/nofap.

I”m actually looking forward to going to this new years eve party with co-workers tonight.

My skin cleared, face is actually really oily now. this one time, a person said I had a glow. It was probably shiny from the oil. I don’t want to glow, I don’t know what it means, but it was a compliment, I think.

I smile at girls now, w/out knowing it. I’m noticing more punches in the arms by one girl, and fist bumps with the guys. Compliments. I practice those a lot.I’m ugly too. At first I’m sure it was creepy, but I made an effort to look goofy, which worked, because now, they come into my office asking me questions about something non-related to my job, and they end up borrowing shit from me which they can get from any fucking where in the building. Honestly, I’m learning to enjoy these stupid chit chats. Oh, another cool thing, I tell people I’m an angry morning person. So now even when I’m moody, they’re still cool with it. Shoulda done that a long time ago. People thought I was just a meanie, which I was, and still am, but in a more acceptable way. Honesty and communications. Seems so easy.

Fear, Guilt, shame, gradually fades, the longer you stay on NoFaPP. As these things fade away, you gradually see yourself in a different light. Then you see others…differently, because they’re all you, and then, the world looks different. I can sorta see why people want to experience life now, before dying a true death. Yep, I think there are different layers of life and death people experience based on their own life perceptions.

I still get urges to PMO. I smell or something good. Oh the eye stares co-workers are starting to stare into my soul, and I theirs. Weird. That’s when I usually end up smiling and one of us looks away, its a connection. One girl tends to hover around now, during little chit chats, i’ll position myself to include her in the conversation. Am I playing office politics? I try to compliment others and give positive opinions to help people better themselves.

I’m on the path of becoming the ass kissing small talking chit chatting mother fucker I hated, but with smiles and work efficiency.

I will check in, in another 80 days around day 200. Gonna go hard mode still. Unless well, sex happens. Just saying. 2016 still looks foggy but, I see streams of light here and there. Thank you.

LINK – 37 yr. old @ 120+ days of Hardmode: My Fapless Journey thus far.

by drunklegion