Age 41 – ED: How a sex therapist helped me out

I decided to try a licensed sex therapist via Skype sessions; he cost $185/hour, and I did 8 one-hour sessions over the course of two or three months.  It was stupid expensive.  In exchange for not judging me, I wanted to share with candor this experience, in case it was helpful for someone considering going this route.

My complaint was inability to get it up easily for women, which was happening about 75% of the time; and of these occurrences, perhaps one third of the time I was totally unable to get hard when I needed it.  Viagra / Cialis didn’t really do anything to help, other than give me a stuffy nose.  I am single 41 YO male; I tend to have sex 2-5 times a month, typically with new partners each time.  I seek out women ages 25-35.

I learned a few interesting theories of how we hold on to past trauma and shit like that.  But the most useful thing for me was learning what I needed in bed in order to be sexually aroused.  Now, I always thought I just kind of inherently knew what turned me on, based on what I fantasized about, watched porn about, etc.  But that didn’t turn out to be accurate.  My therapist had me take the “Seven Motivators Questionnaire” (available here: 74KB PDF).  I bid you try it out.  Circle your answer to each question, then to score it, come up with a score for each of the 7 sections headed “Exc”, “Rel”, and so forth; this score will be the sum of the circled values in that section.  Rank the 7 sections in order from the one you scored highest in, to the one you scored the lowest in.  Then, read the explanation of each of the 7 sections in the explanation (available here: 106KB PDF).  It should give you some insight into what motivates you, sexually, from highest motivator to lowest motivator, based on your scoring. 

Note:  If you actually want to take this test, DO NOT read the explanation, or the rest of this post, before you take the test; doing so could significantly influence test efficacy

Bla bla bla – so anyway I took the survey and discovered that I was highly sexually motivated by power, and my therapist corroborated that with some of the anecdotes I had told him of my childhood, some of which tended to put me in a powerless position, though I hadn’t really made that connection until my therapist threw it at my head.  This helped me in a few ways.

First, it explained why as soon as I had sex with a woman, I lost interest in her — “arousal is based on the notion of conquest and diminishes rapidly after initial contact.” 

Second, and most pertinent to erectile dysfunction and this site in general, it helped me understand and subsequently hone my bedside manner to embrace this newly-found sexual motivator of power.  By embracing this, I found myself very aroused in bed, such that ED wasn’t an issue 90% of the time.  Specific examples are: I always call the shots in the bedroom, period; I like to stay on top of a girl, and interweave my hands with hers and (playfully) pin her to the mattress and take control of sex; I embrace and go with the conquest and exhilaration of getting a new girl into bed on the first or second date and then moving on to the next one.

As to issues of objectifying women, promiscuity, sexual addiction, being selfish in bed, possibly being too domineering for some women, and so on, and so forth, yeah I know — but fuck if it doesn’t turn me on and light me up, and get me hard.

Sooo I guess the takeaway here is discovering my primary sexual motivator and embracing it really jumpstarted my arousal response and has really helped with ED.

LINK – How a sex therapist helped me out

BY – goffredo