Once I really understood how porn and fapping work on the brain, and understood the damage that PMO does, something changed. Something inside snapped, and I said “I am done with porn and fapping forever!”
There is always a chance that I may slip up and reset, but I know that I will never go back to living the way I use to. Porn has lost its power over me. It has lost the ability to give me even the illusion of happiness. It was always just an illusion, but somehow I believed in that fantasy. Now, I clearly see that PMO is vile, empty, and ugly.
I first found out about yourbrainonporn.com and NoFAP the day after Thanksgiving. It was a random thing, and I had no intention of finding them, or ever stopping PMO. I was 40 at the time, and had been a habitual fapper since age 13, and increasingly an addict of porn since around age 20 (the dial up days). I am a married man, yet in recent years, my wife and I only had sex about once a month, while I fapped to porn 3-5 times a week, often edging to porn for many hours at a time.
The day after Thanksgiving, I learned that PMO makes men soft, weak-willed, depressed, socially awkward, and unambitious. I learned that it causes sexual dysfunction like PIED and DE. I haven’t struggled with those, but just the thought of that happening to me terrified me. Understanding the concept of dopamine response turned a light on for me.
I quit porn and fapping, and became a lurker on this reddit reading everything I could. I went 19 days on that first try, and then relapsed and went back to my old habits for a week.
Somehow, while still sexually stimulating, porn and fapping just wasn’t the same anymore. I knew PMO to be just “bullshit” that does not really satisfy. I stopped again on Dec. 23rd. That was 69 days ago, and I now know that I am done living that way.
Without a doubt, I’ll be back in three weeks to give you my 90 day report.
This time, I joined the NoFAP reddit, and began making posts, and interacting with other people. That has been incredibly helpful. I really care about the people here. We are all in this thing together. It is so good to have someone to talk to about these things. I try to encourage, and pray for other members whenever possible. I do not want to let everybody down by relapsing, and I sure as heck don’t want to have to reset my stupid little counter badge.
A couple weeks after starting NoFAP this time around, my wife and I had a huge fight. After that, we didn’t have sex for several weeks. In the past, fights with my wife have been a major trigger for me. Feeling angry, and hurt, I longed for porn to take away my sadness, and give me the love and acceptance that I long for. Porn makes it feel like I don’t need my wife. I can just satisfy myself.
This time, I did not give in to that urge. I know that porn is just a lie, and that “fapping is just fucking yourself”. I knew that I really do need and love my wife. I hung on, and didn’t give in. This “hardmode time” went 24 days, the longest I’ve ever gone without ejaculating. It sucked, and I had blue balls.
Since then, our relationship has improved, and we are having sex again. Life is looking up. My marriage is improving. I love my wife much more, and our times of sexual intimacy are much more passionate and pleasurable. I am happier, not ashamed of myself, more ambitious, and confident. I’ve also been working out, and now feel stronger both physically and mentally/spiritually/relationally.
Hang in there brothers. We can never go back! We can never live that way again! The bridges have burned.
That is pretty much it. I’m 41, and have been married 15 years. I’ve fapped since age 13, and used porn since around age 20.
I stopped the porn use, and rarely masturbated, for the first couple relatively happy years of marriage, but have gradually gone down hill since then. Our frequency of sex declined, and my porn use has increased. The feeling of closeness with my wife gradually faded as well.
Things have gotten clearly worse over the last 5-6 years. The frequency of sex with my wife dropped to about once a month, while I fapped to porn 3-5 times a week, and further edged to porn about 10 hours a week. It got to the point where it just felt like it wasn’t really worth it to pursue sex anymore. My wife felt like my roommate.
I’ve felt bitterness towards her growing in my heart.
She has always had a much lower libido than me, and is pretty repressed in what she is willing to do in bed. Plus, she just never seems that interested in sex (although she often, but not always, enjoys sex and orgasms when we do it).
I’ve always found my wife to be quite attractive, and sexually desirable, yet I pursued her less and less. Likewise, I’ve always enjoyed real sex far more than porn and fapping. Yet, porn and fapping has always been a sure thing. It never rejected my advances like my wife often did. Porn, unlike my wife, was always there for me when I wanted it. It never asked anything of me and never nagged me.
Unlike a relationship with a real person, porn required no effort.
My mind usually wandered when she talked to me (Women talk a lot don’t they?). While having sex with her, I would sometimes think about porn scenes that I enjoyed.
I looked forward to her being out of the house so I could fap to porn. I loved going on business trips so I could get totally drunk in my hotel, and binge for hours on porn and fapping.
She works several evenings a week, getting home about three hours later than me. I often spent this time fapping to porn, and then made up excuses for having done nothing during this time period (by the way – we have no kids).
There were times when I was fapping to porn, and was unexpectedly terrified to hear the mechanical garage door opening with her arriving home from work 30-60 minutes earlier than expected. These times involved a mad dash to delete browser history, turn off the computer, and look like I was doing something else within the 30 seconds or so that it took her to get out of the car and into the house.
I sometimes regretted marrying her, and wanted to find another wife (one who would enjoy sex, and be able to bear children for me).
In short, I have been a pretty pathetic husband in many ways.
Last November, I came across yourbrainonporn.com and nofap, and realized that I had to change.
I decided to stop looking at porn and fapping. I went 19 days on the first attempt, then relapsed for a week. I started again on December 23rd, and haven’t looked at porn or masturbated since then.
My wife seems much more attractive than before. I find her not only attractive, but extremely cute, and totally sexually desirable.
The things she talks about seem much more interesting than before. Even when she talks about something boring, I find her delightfully cute, and just love to look at, and listen to her.
I pursue sex with her a lot more often (it is the only way I am getting any sexual pleasure). Our sexual frequency is still lacking, but it has improved a lot. We’ve gone from once a month to about once a week (and strangely enough, I can actually live with that). I will however continue to work on improving that frequency, since I think 2-3 times a week is about right.
The emotional intensity of our lovemaking has improved, with me being much more “in the moment” instead of “in my head”.
I feel much more affectionate towards her. I spend more time chatting with her. I hug her, and hold her hand much more. I just feel closer. I enjoy being with her.
I am now happy to hear the garage door open early and welcome her home.
I have my wife back, and I love her. Now, I am getting my life back.
Guys, we have got to quit porn forever! Never give up, and never give in! Life and love, are worth it.