I have been visiting and reading this site and YBOP since around mid 2012. As my username indicates, I have 903 days of not engaging in P or M, and rarely allowing myself to O – with a real woman only.
While I am thankful and pleased that I have accumulated 903 days of mental and physical freedom from the P&M scourge, the credit largely goes to Gary and all of the nameless people who have posted their struggles and lessons. These contributions kept me on the straight and narrow beam.
I will create a long post later on because I want to finish my daily workout first, but the short and quick of it is: I agree nearly 100% with the other long time no P and no M member of this board that I read often, LTE. For my own standards, engaging in M is just as bad, potentially even worse, then engaging with P. My reasoning is that the fantasizing that accompanies M is embedded in my brain and harder to keep away than not watching P. Hence, keeping M in my world was never an option.
As far as recovery from PIED…I came back relatively quickly. My problem was sporadic, but definitely an issue. I work out hard, eat reasonably well and never touch alcohol or drugs, though I did have a sweet tooth. After around 90 days, PIED was pretty well gone. Now it is 100% gone.
Like another member of this board that disappeared, MTH, I have been quite lonely and formerly depressed. I moved out to a farm in a new city where I have no connections. This has been brutal emotionally. Picture a small cabin in the middle of nowhere with a guy alone most of the time. Yet, I knew that engaging in P and M would make an already lonely, challenging situation far worse. I stayed on the right mental path.
I decided to chime into this forum and the success stories because I want to share the deep lessons I have learned. I want to return the value given to me.
One of the main steps I decided early on for strengthening my right behavior was reading YBOP and YBR every day. As often as I want, I read the stories and the advice.
Even with 903 days, I know that the old grooves of about 35 years (I am around 48) are only too easy to slip into if I do not continue reinforcing the new pathways.
My thought processes now that help keep me going the right direction.
1. I am positively terrified of P and M. I shake with fear at the thought of how far down those thoughts and actions will drag me.
2. I no longer value sex that much. This is a dream I had for decades. I wanted to value building a big business, dedicating myself to a worthy endeavor, valuing guy friends that offer nothing to me other than camaraderie instead of how I valued women to exercise my sexual needs. I no longer feel that exclusively. Sure the instinct exists to boff a beautiful woman, but now I ask, “And then what?” What am I left with if I am not in love with her or do not have a long term relationship? Nothing but wasted time, wasted potency, and a shallow feeling.
3. My lack of motivation is largely gone. That inner energy to get up and do, finally came alive again. It took me much longer than most, but now it is here and I treasure it.
4. I can look anyone in the eye, any woman or any man, and hold a conversation as a coherent man. No longer do I shirk contact and think “If only they knew what creepy stuff I do behind closed doors..” This is a treasured feeling beyond words.
5. My brain fog that I grew used to has largely disappeared. I started playing chess, learning languages, and learning to program. I think learning chess and practicing chess problems largely helped me get through the first hard 90 days. I was so into solving the problems that it took my attention away from fantasies and PMO thoughts. I recommend finding an activity like chess: play guitar, piano, write poetry, or work with some game that rates your progress. I still enjoy chess, though I no longer need it to distract me.
6. I do not use facebook, pinterest, or those social media that are image heavy. I did use OkCupic, and Match to meet women but even stopped a lot of that. I needed to meet people in my area and those sites were helpful. Eventually I got clear of wanting to have sexually charged chats. I just want a connection, not sex. I want a long term friendship or real relationship.
7. Eventually, and this just happened recently, I came to the point of not caring that much about sex. I want to form solid emotional connections that I expect to have for years. Sex is great, but a third tier priority. First -I want success as I define it: self-dominion, contribution, wealth, relationships/family. Second – I want a solid partnership for family, Third- I want a strong sex life as part of my solid partnership. I had all of this backward before. Sex with first and foremost..and I was miserable!
Ok..that is more than I planned to write.
Thanks to all of you for being on my support team. Now I want to be on yours.
LINK – Thoughts and Lessons learned on my way to 900+ days No P, No M
BY – 903Days-NoP-NoM