Well I did it. I completed my hard 90. I didn’t want to post in the success story forum until I did. I want to write this in hopes it inspires some of you here to know it can be done. You can do it. Before I start I want to give credit to this forum and Gabe and to a member here named William who messaged me right after I joined and gave me all I needed to win.
I highly recommend Williams topic called “Gentlemen Now We Begin”. Everyday I read through it and the advice he gave on there really hit home for me. Here is a direct link to it.
I read it every day before work and man it is golden. Everything said by William in there is true.
Now my story: First off in full disclosure. I did this hard mode meaning no porn or porn substitutes, no masturbation and no sex(due to me being single,no wife).I could be a monk right now LOL. I’m not going to write my history with porn but in short I’ve been addicted since I was 12, I’m 52 now. I started with mags, then VCR tapes to more recently high speed internet porn. I have had a lifetime of it all. I am also a chronic relapser, I have been at 90 and 120 days 3 other times only to relapse each time. This time is different, I will not relapse because of what I learned here and from William. I have insight, knowledge and clarity of my addiction which I never fully had before and it has made my addiction weak and powerless.
I have tried many methods to beat this since I became aware I was an addict 7 years ago. I have been in and out of SAA with zero success most recently and have tried cold turkey on my own many times. I have nothing against SAA it just didn’t work for me and it never told me I could fully beat this, plus it always had me looking externally when all along my problem was in my head, I also never got a really good sponsor. Like I said I’m grateful for those who in SAA tried to help me, it just never worked.
When I joined here in mid February I already had a two week start and I was desperate, I was on the verge of another relapse when I stumbled on an article by the actor Terry Crews and his porn addiction. It shook me and just by surfing I ended up here and joined. Not long afterwards William messaged me and guided me to his topic and videos by Gary Wilson. Williams message was simple, he was the first person who ever told me you can beat this for good, all you have to do is the hard 90 and embrace the withdrawals and at or around 90 days they will fade away. When i read that I was energized and knew right then that I was going to do it and never go back. I was lucky my withdrawals started fading at around 70 days or so. I was like a sponge, everything he said in his topic was spot on. I read it every day the whole time and he hammered it in my head….you never run out of reading either, its over 16 pages long I think. This is why I say read it and do what he says. It is so worth it. I promise.
One other thing happened to me that was a key to my success. I had to what we all have heard of as a ” Moment of Clarity” or a moment of great insight. By reading and learning what I did here it just resonated in my brain and the switch was flipped on. That is why I am so sure that I’m done with porn. I think this is key for me. Plus my will and desire were so strong too.
So in review this to me are great truths in beating this:
- This problem is from dopamine addiction not porn addiction, porn is the trigger used for the dopamine release in your brain. Dopamine is very powerful.
- First no negotiation, meaning porn has to go forever, not to be negotiated with or put up on a shelf, it has to be gone forever from your life. Delete all your porn
- No sexual thoughts or hyper sexualized thoughts. They will and still do pop in my head, I just don’t embrace them and they go away, loose their power, simple as that. Reason is they trigger a dopamine release just like viewing porn does.
- Do the hard 90 days. Embrace your withdrawals don’t run from them, this is a key thing to do, embrace them and view them as progress, not going to lie to you they are brutal but they go away within the 90 days.
How did my 90 days go?
It was more difficult than anything I ever did, I quit smoking twice, that was easier.
I had severe withdrawals: headaches, shortness of breath, brain fog, irritable and a nasty disposition, no concentration, nail biting, felt like I was dying, binge eating, depression, despair and many others. Sounds horrible and it was but man its only 90 days and well worth it. Embrace them don’t run from them. Just knowing they would be gone and knowing that helped me get through it too. I never was told or knew that before.
Flat lining, no interest in sex or anything at all. Lasted about a week for me, that was cruise control time for me.
Some things I did during reboot. First I did not use any porn blockers, I know how to beat them so I just did without them. I did fine with no problems but I can see how others need them. I quit watching and media or websites that are not considered porn but have triggers in them. No R rated movies or TV shows. I found that reading books really helped, I read two large novels and two self help books during my hard 90 plus coming here and reading posts and posting really helped. I also kept busy and watched a lot of hockey games on TV plus Nat Geo and Discovery channels were good to watch. I kept busy a lot with chores too. I kind of let myself have a pass on overeating too. I was busy enough with the 90 days than to watch my eating at the same time, peanut M & m’s were my friend.
Now the benefits of it all.
- I am free, I am no longer a slave to porn.
- My brain is sharp as a tack, my work and relationships have greatly improved.
- I’m not as anxious or fearful as I used to be, I like being around people more, I had social anxiety before, now its not their no more. (probably caused by this addiction)
- I used to have chronic headaches at home in the evenings, now they are all but gone, probably my brain screaming for its fix.
- I used to look at my life and my problems in an external way. Now I’ve learned they are internal and caused mostly by my thoughts, all I have to do is let my negative thoughts go on by and not engage in them and they have no power over me.My thinking is so much clearer now.
- I’m so happy now, nothing bothers me as much, if something goes wrong I deal with it better.
- I quit biting my nails, lifelong habit gone without really trying.
- I’m better at my job now, more focused.
- No more guilt at porn viewing.
There are so many more I’m missing, I’ll add more later but life is so much better.
The future, I’m excited about finding who I really am without my addiction and moving forward with life.I want to thank all of you here and this site, best thing to ever happen to me.
In closing I want to say please never give up, keep trying, its so worth it. Do the hard 90 days, its the only way out.
Thank you all and I also want to thank God most of all, He didn’t wave a magic wand and rid me of this, he gave my all I ever needed to do this on my own and do it myself. What benefit would there be if He just took it from me. What would I have learned?
God Bless you all.
BY – Jon64