I am 58 years old and have been married and have four adult children. I am successful in my business. Externally, to the world around me, I looked pretty good. I knew otherwise. I had this dark life of crazy sexual thought, encounters and non-stop fapping.
I always thought that once I had reached an age or got married or had kids or became successful, that I would quit the crazy sex stuff. It didn’t happen that way.
I didn’t grow out of it. I was possessed by sexual desire. It consumed me. PMO fed it daily.
I was having flashes of suicidal thoughts three months ago. I was considering another round of counseling and maybe starting medication for anxiety.
I discovered this site and signed the pledge and followed through.
There have been days of struggle, particularly at the beginning, but gaining some wisdom of this NoFap philosophy helped me. The epiphany for me was that PMO was the problem, not the solution. I have always believed that I could curb my horniness and urges by going to PMO. I know now the opposite is true. PMO was the gateway drug to madness.
There are great postings on these forums. I am not as thoughtful or as articulate as many are in this community. But I post for this reason.
I am 58 years old and sex was driving me the way it was forty years ago. I didn’t grow out of it. It was my favorite drug.
Reality check is this…shut it down now rather than forty years later. I have a decent life and I am not a believer in regrets. Thats not what I am posting about.
I was four decades into this and I was capable of doing. Go for it. Day by day.
I check on this site occasionally only because I am not in the fierce battle I once was. I post today only because I am having a really grateful morning.
My life changed by abandoning PMO. It never occurred to me that I might even have a problem until I stumbled onto this site. Jerking off to pornography was just what guys did and I had done it for decades.
For me, it was an addiction that brought me to some very dark places. Finding this site allowed me to see that I was not the only guy with this problem. The PMO addiction ultimately led me to as bad of a place that I could ever be. Suicidal thoughts started to plague me. My story is similar to many here.
I found this site, went for hard-mode and did a couple of 90 day runs. It was really difficult and I put a lot of thought, discipline and lifestyle changes into it. I got support from the friends I made here…guys I’ll never meet. The bond I felt with them was very strong. Who knew that dialogue from strangers could have such a real effect on effort and emotions? This is an amazing community.
I got through some hard mode challenges which led me to start to view myself in a new way. I decided to go see a counselor about this overall view of my self and the six months I spent with him were helpful. Time and money well spent, I recommend it.
But starting with NoFap allowed me to get there. All of the resources offered here helped immensely. I have thanked this site and the men who helped me many times and my gratitude remains.
My life externally is the same as it ever was. Internally, I am not carrying around the huge crippling weight that I carried for decades. I lived with a cancer of shame that was fueled by this huge addiction to PMO. That shame defined me and colored much of my interactions with so many people.
Externally everything looks the same to those who might know me. Internally, the landscape is different and continues to change.
I am close to 60 and never thought any change was an option when you are this fucking old. But it is and it’s been remarkable, life-affirming, huge. Because I am not in this intense daily battle, I can offer more to the world around me. I am far from perfect but I think I am throwing more positive energy out there these days.
Having read many forums and having years to beat myself up, I am aware that I might sound cocky. Normally, overconfidence can be a great set up for failure…I get that and have been wary over these last couple of years.
I still have a porn blocker on my computer and electronic devices…it just makes it easier. I am very leary to test myself. I was struck last night that rewiring has occurred but also a part of me had atrophied. I guess I might be on guard forever but the further I get away from it, it all seems a bit strange…jerking off to a computer for hours. But that’s what I would do.
So quit jerking off to pornography and your life will change.
It sounds so simple but the reality is, I happened to me. I quit PMO and my life changed.
Unlivable becomes livable.