Every day now….it feel likes there some little fire, some embers burning. When I wake up in the mornings, going to bed when i’m completely exhausted, while working, whilst having some beers, whilst driving, whilst having innocuous chats….there’s this smouldering and slowing burning fire i can feel really really deep inside.
It’s like I have ten percent on myself locked away, processing whats going on, in reserve. Ten percent that is seeking the next adventure or story or romance or friendship or opportunity. And it flares up in moments of conflict or excitement or after doing a satisfying days work, into something that I’m really wanting to but cannot describe.
It feels like…something nobody can take away from me. A piece of myself that is only for myself. An inner knowledge that i’m not screwing over myself. That i’m doing the opposite of self sabotage, i’m looking out for myself.
I haven’t felt this way for a very long time. Binge watching tv shows, or binging videogames, or getting no sleep makes the feeling dissapear for hours or days. The last time I felt this way was when I was travelling overseas for extended periods, or before I had high speed internet. It must be the lack of porn.
This feeling feeds the idea in me that I even have willpower.
Sounds stupid, but it feels like a physical manifestation of willpower and choice?
I’ve been really focusing on eating well, working proper hours, getting proper sleep, getting stuff I need to do done, keeping my financials upto date, exercising with both weights and sports, and socialising with friends locally and overseas.
Why was I not doing this before???
What was I doing instead???
So what inspires this feeling….getting my life in order, or not watching porn?
I can’t be one hundred percent in either direction. But I don’t feel a sense of shame, guilt, unwarranted exhaustion, or dehumanising thoughts whilst doing any of the other activites.
And reading so many accounts from so many people, about the insidious subconcious effects of porn, I can’t help but notice just how much things are improving socially. Being able to meet peoples eye contact. Expressing an outwardly masculine presence that isn’t explicitly sexual, disresepectful and predatory.
My conversations with people, women in particular, are vastly changed. Reading into people mannerisms is from a wildly different outside perspective, much more empathy and seeing things from their point of view.
One thing i’ve particularly noticed is talking to girls who I might not find attractive, but are interesting people. Non sexual relationships with women. Conversations, and banter, and actually caring about their stories and their lives. It’s like I subconsciously excluded them from existing in my nearly present past.
I feel a much stronger sense of comraderie with my friends, and a general empathy for other guys and friendship groups. A real sense of belonging to a peer group, being part of a culture, being a man.
Lost track of what I was writing. Focusing attention still not the best whilst on a computer>
Feeling something, better then not feeling.
Heres to nearly 6 months.
LINK – Day 134
EARLIER POST (DAY 104)
Woke up early today, drowsy, eyes indented with a dull ache and a subtle throbbing murmur. Made an uncharacteristic mint tea, drifted outside, maxed out on the couch. Picked up the puzzle book and tried to work through some.
And everything zoned out. The puzzle became the point of focus. The numbers and patterns and unseen images rattled and ricocheted around in my minds eye. Then the birds started, cheeping and laughing and chirpy and happy. Dogs whimpering and rollicking. Cars trumpeting off in the distance. Wind passing through the carport and over the fences like a lost child.
Could almost hear the grass growing and the leaves falling.
And it hit me. What I had done differently in the past few days versus the past few weeks?
Eating actual food at proper food times.
Going to the gym and pushing myself.
Getting routine stuff done and out of the way.
Seeking out novel experiences, exploring locations and befriending new people.
Being social with family and friends.
Dreaming about the future.
Phase one of this journey (for me) came from a place of depression, anxiety and hypersexuality. I had been using porn as an emotional band aid, wanted to rid myself of it and reap the benefits, believing there was another world I had been missing out on and not experiencing.
But there isn’t.
I want to feel the burn.
It used to be second nature. Played elite level sport as a kid. Improvements and discipline were afterthoughts of hard work, dedication and momentum. Getting stuff done, day in day out, when it needed to be done. Cause if you didn’t tick the boxes as they came up, you didn’t have a chance to go back.
Being unprepared was the worst sin. Haven’t done any pre-season work? Haven’t slept the night before? didn’t get a chance to warm up? Just asking for failure.
I want to feel the burn of trying to do something, trying to get somewhere, trying to impress myself, trying to accomplish something. Not to show off. Not for others. For myself.
Seeking dopamine in another form?
I feel like the 100+ days of no porn has been the mental equivalent of a shower. Got in, washed off some bad habits, got out. I may have placated an addictive habit, but I haven’t changed anything else about myself for the positive. Now is the time to get some good routines, some good behaviours set up. A foundation level of sanity, for my own sake.
Self reliance. I haveto trust myself to be doing the best for myself.
(might get a calendar to mark on or off this stuff)
Phase one – Stop watching porn. Complete.
Phase two – establish basic life routines.
Get to work on time every day.
Do laundry at least once a week.
Cook a meal every day.
Talk to at least two friends every day.
Keep room and car clean.
Basic exercises when waking up
Gym minimum 3 times per week.
Sleep at 11 unless something on.
Maximum 10 minutes at a time on computer unless posting a journal.
Phase 3 – ?
Figure this out in may.
LINK – Day 104