Man, I would like to say “THIS IS THE LIFE!!!” and have everyone jump on the bandwagon and shove a microphone in my face, but I’m not Donald Trump. I’m not on reddit much anymore, so I’ll get to questions when I can.
I do have this to say, though.
- I only thought I would get here once. And that came when I decided to do it. Four years of trying before that.
- I only changed when I realized and embraced the value of something other than PMO, something other than NOFAP (you can’t embrace ‘not-something’). Jesus Christ is the reason why. Someone who died for me and lives within me is more than anyone else has ever done. And it’s more interesting, mythical, ancient, mysterious, loving, AND REAL than anything else that’s out there. I couldn’t do it without His love. People talk about superpowers; very few know about the supernatural.
- Weakness in my knees is gone. That’s something unusual. I am also not tired all the time anymore. What’s funny is that a lot of stuff from mental illness is going away as well. That’s not just because I’m not fapping. It’s a lot of other stuff instead. Mindfulness. Holy Spirit. Being brave to feel things and face people and ask questions instead of assuming and hiding or attacking. But addiction produces behaviors similar to personality disorders. There’s a really cool article by Miguel Ruis Costa that links psychopathology to PMO. In my case, working with God and doing other things than self-sex and fantasies have helped my PTSD to get weaker. I’m optimistic about it going away the braver I become to face objects of fears, especially my assumptions and own behavior. Paranoia and severe depression are starting to go away, too. I was mildly schizophrenic with borderline and narcissistic personality disorder, too. I’m not making that up. Those were cured in their deepest parts by God, but awaking out of the habitual ways of thinking that those conditions create has been really painful and scary. But they’re necessary. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, too, though, and hidden and run and done the same old assuming and attacking and sarcasm instead of true sincerity, so don’t take this as someone who is ‘perfect’ or ‘all there’. I’m not. I’m just being honest about ideals.
- My life is kind of tempestuous right now. Job change, career exploration, shifting sands around me with friends and ex-family, and a lot of concern about the future. It helps to be thankful for what I do have. And something interesting that I went through yesterday, a complete smothering of fear crawling around me, was a thankfulness that I could feel the terror, instead of hiding from it or running from it. It makes life that much more interesting.
- I’m not going to talk about being more attractive to women. I was one of the guys who wanted to quit PMO only for a wife (= legalized sex), or secretly for daybang. Since I quit PMO, I’ve been holding women up to the same standards as men, and i’ve found that a lot of women with horrible character skate by with men simply because they’re sexually attractive. A man who values his semen (his strength, his future children and a lot of nutritious vitamins) won’t waste it on someone who might look sweet but is a ravening monster inside.
- My inner child is re-emerging after 20 years of death. That’s thanks to God, but having no addiction in my life means that I WILL feel my feelings, and WILL think my thoughts. There are no distractions. Cutting internet, phones, (TV is gone), and other distractions out of life is essential to finding what it is that I am, and what gift God has given me to bring to the world and to give.
- That said, I am still not a superman. I am probably still in flatline, with little bursts of air in between like a sperm whale coming up for oxygen. But overall the trajectory is out and away.
- Identity change is essential. One has to stop PMO, but full stopping requires a change of identity from being an addict to living a free life. That only happens if one is indeed free, and I believe that freedom lies in Christ. But identity change means thinking goes from “Oh crap, I hope I don’t masturbate today!” to “I don’t need to masturbate anymore. I used to need it. But I don’t anymore. I’m thankful what what I do have to hold onto now (instead of my ****).”
LINK – 7 months in, AMA