Feeling alive, at peace with myself

I first became aware of nofap and my obsessive porn habit about 18 months ago. I went cold turkey right away, but eventually succumbed to temptation and relapsed. For about a year I cycled between abstaining and binging. I got involved with the fetish community at my University, and things just got worse from there.

At this point, I haven’t had sex for almost four years, and I accept the reason is my own responsibility. It was the classic story, I had become hardwired to respond to screens. I didn’t care about the feelings of others, I barely experienced any feelings myself. I used porn and masturbation to fill a huge hole in my life, one that only got deeper the more I tried to fill it.

I started therapy and realised the disparity between who I was and who I wanted to be. My therapist encouraged me to consciously reach out and connect with others. She even encouraged me to develop a dormant friendship and see whether it could lead to a possible relationship.

I had visited my friend to go on a date on a couple of occasions during my fapping period, and we had a fantastic time, but I was unable to show any kind of overt sexual or romantic interest. I believe this was because I had developed an association between sexual activity (in my case obsessive fapping) and shame. Shame is such a powerful part of our lives, it can control us. For more info look at Brenè Brown’s Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability – it was exactly what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it.

60 days ago I decided enough was enough and I wanted to change my life. I had to spend the summer at home with my parents, as I was finishing my Masters thesis. Days at home, the arguments that ensued lead to binging for several weeks out of frustration and procrastination. I knew that nofap was going to be a difficult journey, but anything that is worth doing is going to be difficult.

After 60 days I do feel like a different person. I haven’t experienced ‘super powers’, and am nowhere near where I want to be in my personal development, but nofap has given me a drive to carry on working and improving myself. I also feel able to take responsibility for my own imperfections and claim that they are as much a part of me as my best traits. I believe this is the most important aspect of nofap. Being honest with yourself and not using porn or masturbation to numb your feelings opens up a whole new world. Yes, there will be dark days where you want to give up, where the temptation of a few minutes of pleasure seem irresistible. There will be times where you are in a flatline, or maybe feel depressed, or feel nothing at all. Without the emotional numbing caused by fapping, you’ll have to deal with these destructive thoughts and bad moods.

However if you don’t give up, you’ll also be able to feel things you haven’t felt in years. Happiness and pleasure can be found in the smallest things, like the crunch of an autumnal leaf underfoot, or the patter of rain on the window. It’s these small things that draw me back to the present and make me feel alive.

You’ll be able to be yourself with others. You’ll be able to be vulnerable. You’ll be able to connect with other people in a way which you may have never experienced before. And perhaps most importantly, you’ll be able to look in the metaphorical mirror and be at peace with your reflection.

LINK – 60 Days Report

by fatstrat04