So about a month after I started Nofap, the confidence and libido kicked in strong. My initial mentality was that I would make myself irresistible to a girl I had been obsessed with for the last year or so after getting turned down numerous times, but something much better happened. I finally got the guts to get over her and stop following her around like a puppy
and I used the energy to get into a new relationship with a girl whom I had been friends with for several months already and had already liked me for quite a bit. She was by far the most amazing girl I had ever met. Completely blew away any expectations and assumptions I had about girls in general, and I became crazy about her in an incredibly short amount of time.
It was the beginning of the summer – an awesome time to start a new relationship, and the entire summer was freaking amazing. I didn’t fap once, I got my drivers license, my first job, and a relationship that completely rocked. I saw more in her than I ever thought I could see in a girl, and she was so dedicated to me, regardless of how much I’d screw up. It seemed far to good to be true. I know I’m young, but I easily saw a future with her. I couldn’t help it. We both love music and being in nature, want to travel the world, don’t want kids, the list goes on. I understand that I’m far too young to determine the future, but I couldn’t help but to see it with her. A bit cliche, but we were freaking perfect together.
Things began to turn around by the time school started again. By the end of the summer, I thought I had won at life. I felt more pure than I’d ever felt, and it appeared to me like there was nothing I could do to bring myself down to the clingy, jealous, rude, and undunfident self I was before I started Nofap. Guess I was wrong. Junior year is a pretty stressful year for just about anyone in high school, and I had set a new standard of life over the summer that I was determined to keep up with. I pretty much ignored the fact that what I achieved was a result of following the regular practices nofap(not fapping, cold showers, meditation, all the good stuff) and pretty much said “screw it, I’m amazing and can do whatever I want and nothing will bring me down”. Quite the ego.
So I fapped every now and then, and in order to maintain my pride I devolped a narcissistic view on life. I was rude to people, and wouldn’t listen to anyone who told me what to do. I became misogynistic and believed girls could be manipulated in just about any way I tried. Sure enough my girlfriend saw this. I’d ignore her on purpose just to win affection, and I pretty much didn’t care to listen about anything she had to talk about. Without me realizing it my libido went down, and so did almost any desire I had to keep the relationship going. On top of all of this, I would get incredibly jealous of just about every good thing she had. Her social life, her amazing family, everything. It was all about me, and I still feel like fucking shit just thinking about that time. I was lucky as hell that she didn’t just dump me right then.
This lasted for about three months and just before Christmas she pretty much cut me off. It was about damn time. Wouldn’t text me anything other than 1-word replies, and didn’t make any effort to hang out with me. I was beyond pissed On Christmas night, instead of playing a great game of monopoly with my brothers I went up stairs, just to end up on another porn video. I was so angry that the thought if my girlfriend couldn’t turn me on, so I couldn’t fantasize like I usually did. A few second before me something hit me and I said “FUCK THIS.” I threw my phone at the ground and zipped back up.
I don’t what cause this to happen, but I just lied in bed for a while thinking of how much my life had turned to shit since summer ended. Deep down I knew fapping was the root of the problem. I came to the realization that I can’t just make my life amazing like I did last summer while still keeping the bad habits like masturbating.
A week later my girlfriend finally talks to me about the way I treated her the last few months and how it made her feel like shit. It still amazes me that it took me until then to finally realize it. I knew I had to get back to the quality of life I was living last summer. I made quite the new years resolution – since 2015 I have not touched PMO, woken up later than 7, or gone a day without a cold shower. Only two weeks in and 2016’s the best year of my life. Honestly, the last two weeks have not been easy. Any attempt I’ve made to apologize and and try to get her to talk to me have been unsuccessful.
Finally, we met up to go for a walk through the bitter cold this evening and I pretty much explained to her all about nofap. While she can’t completely forgive me for my big screw-up yet, I know it made sense to her. She knows that I truly am capable of being much more than the person I was recently, and every time we’re together I can tell that she still has so much attraction affection for me, specifically when I’m not fapping.
Despite this she told me that how I treated her had such a huge effect on her life, and it’s going to be a while for her to recover from the shitty feeling that I left her with. So as much as it sucks we’re gonna be apart for a while. Whether that means we’ll eventually get back together again or “this is it” is not what I need to worry about right now. I have never had a girl be so genuine and sincere about separating before. I’ve heard so many me say “if she left you she’s not worth your time” and that would be the case if she left without any reason or if I hadn’t screwed up her emotions the last few months. But this evening was the most sincere and meaningful conversation we’ve had, and we really left on a happy note. I’m happy she’s on the right track to putting herself together emotionally and I know she’s strong. I’m going to take this time to better myself in every way possible. I’ve dug a deep hole but I know I’ll get out of it with enough cold showers, working out, being productive, and simply appreciating life for what it is.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to be with her again, but if I do, I’ll make sure it’s not until I have a six pack, a new song for her (I’m a musician), and a great attitude on life that she’ll want me to share with her.
Thanks for reading this if you did. I know it’s long but hey what’s the harm in letting it all out. I wish you all luck on whatever amazing journey you have with nofap. Don’t fucking give up, life moves too quickly for that.