Nobody told me that 14 years ago I could succumb to an addiction I wasn’t prepared for. That it would not only ruin my relationship with my best friend who happened to be a girl and keep us from falling in love like we would have but that it would also drive me, eventually to not only hate myself but to have little to no faith or trust in other human beings around me.
Unfortunately, this habit leads you down a road that will NEVER satisfy you completely and always keep you wanting more. While this occurs, you will doubt any male that comes into your life. You will think, “he is addicted too. He is scum.” This paranoia comes from the fact that you are doing something that not dehumanizes the individuals but dehumanizes reality and it’s innocence.
It feels like a very close grip upon your heart. It squeezes and you can’t breathe, you want it sooo bad. You want to see the sickness, you want to see the abuse, and you want to see how low humans will suffer for something as simple as money. You enjoy it. You devour it. It eats you alive and you leaves you hollow. You realize your mistake just too late (Just soon enough) to change.
Through this realization, you realize that tomorrow you WILL change. But you are defeated then. And then again. And then again. A year goes by and it looks something like this : One day porn, one week without. 1 day heavy porn relapse, one week abstinence, 2 days heavy porn, three weeks abstinence. The cycle continues, the longer you go without the heavy you return to the use. It seems never ending.
But it does end, eventually. It ends the moment you bite your teeth and hold your breath. It ends when you want to cry because the desire to see the evil is so much you don’t know how you can do it. It ends when you admit to your significant other that you have (or had) a problem with it and you talk about it. It ends when you become an advocate for other men and you paint a picture of a world without porn, a life without lies, and a time where the most beautiful thing is the truth that perfection does not exists through our eyes but in our hearts.
Without a doubt, it is a battle that is peeks randomly. For long periods of time I feel no desire in the morning and nothing at night. I sleep well and I feel no fear of failing. I am both very secure with myself and my relation to both sexes. I no longer distrust men and I no longer see women as an object but as each an individual that harbors secrets that can make you laugh, cry, and learn.
Don’t give up and don’t give in. If you feel you are close to giving in realize you are close to having control. Believe me when I tell you that your success brings glory to more than just yourself. To change the world positively we have to become a positive atom ourselves. Think about this as you struggle and as you burn, think that I have been there with you and I have burned and I have struggled and there is something beautiful waiting for you when you are the best of yourself.