It has been almost 5 years (November 2011) since I first decided that it was time to break this habit. With only a few thousand fapstronauts for support (now we’re up to almost 200k. Wow!), I embarked on what was probably one of the most difficult journeys in my life thus far.
Only recently I remembered the name and password to this throwaway account after seeing this place mentioned elsewhere on Reddit. Well, here I am. This is my story.
Who gives a damn what people think, right? We must live for ourselves in order to be happy. Live in the moment! Carpe diem! Masturbation is healthy and there’s nothing wrong with it. Other people are the problem. I’m not doing anything wrong.
These were the excuses I used to justify my actions.
Mastubation had become a daily habit — sometimes, a thrice-daily habit. It started out with cute little Flash hentai games on the Internet, progressed into regular porn and Facebook fapping (yes, I was that kid), and then to some stuff that I don’t feel comfortable mentioning even on a throwaway account.
Feeling down? Jerk it. Feeling normal? Jerk it. Feeling happy? Jerk it. Jerk it, change my clothes, take a shower, play video games, wake up, stumble through school, get home, eat junk food, game, jerk it… on and on the cycle continued.
It was on that fateful day in the late part of 2011 when I discovered this community. My Fapstronaut career started out as a New Years resolution. Moving into the first part of 2012, and the last semester of high school, things were looking bleak. I was gaming all day, skipping school, gaining tons of weight, and barely scraping by in my classes. My test scores were excellent, but homework lay on my desk untouched for months at a time. I was also extremely depressed. My family was very disappointed because they had seem my potential earlier in my life and I was far from living up to that. But I didn’t care: I was living for me. Me me me. Fuck everyone else.
But that changed when I started reading the posts from this community daily. The positivity, the benefits (who cares if they were placebo? Placebo is better than suffering), the knowledge that others were in the same boat and had learned how to get out; all of these things became ingrained in my mind, and I decided that it was time for me to follow the path as well, and defeat this demon once and for all.
It took months — no, years — of resetting my badge to finally quit. The first time I lasted three days. The next, a week. The next, only two days. The next, two weeks. I can’t even remember the number of times I had to reset, but it started to become discouraging, especially when I noticed there was no discernible pattern for how long I lasted. There were times when I quit trying at all, deciding it wasn’t worth it. But I always came back because it’s impossible to hide from the truth, and we Fapstronauts know the truth because we all share the same suffering.
There were many benefits. Some placebo (I think), some tangible. My body changed. I lost weight, had more energy, my posture improved, my voice deepened. Finally I was comfortable using a microphone on the Internet! The brain fog lessened (though it never completely disappeared because of other addictions). I could speak to people more naturally, and with more confidence. Also, my erections returned to full strength. Before they were weak: barely large enough to be considered an erection. I would always cum way too quickly. Those last two were perhaps the most motivating of all.
My family and friends noticed the change as well, especially during the 1+ month streaks. And even when I did break my streak, some of the benefits remained, and they increased more and more with each subsequent streak.
Anyway, I realized something about 2 years into my journey. My longest streaks came when I was browsing this community every single day. Reading the posts, the success stories, the relapse stories; whenever I stopped reading, I relapsed. This was huge. For the first time, I made it almost 120 consecutive days before relapsing. The next time, I quit for good — this time when I stopped coming to this subreddit I didn’t relapse.
It’s been about two years PMO free. I’ve lost my virginity, gotten a decent paying job, have a girlfriend, have actual friends and not just acquaintances. My focus is now on stopping my other bad habits, especially smoking (2 months free!), which seems easy in comparison. There are still many things in my life that aren’t perfect. There are still many parts of me that have room for improvement. But my outlook has changed. No more depression, no more binge eating and gaming, and no more excuses.
NoFap changed my life.