I struggle every year around this time. It seems like all my major bills are due at one time…around Christmas, too. But this year is different. I feel depleted financially, but I have everything. From starting dating to meeting and getting to know my ex-wife.
We went through a horrific divorce. We did horrible things to each other when we were married. She had anger issues. I had PMO issues. It was the perfect storm, so to speak. When we divorced, she moved two states away. We didn’t speak for over 5 years.
And we met again by random chance. I didn’t know if she was any different. And I knew that I was a work still in progress. I didn’t want to explain any of this to her at the time. It’s difficult to explain this type of radical change unless people are around you to see the change for themselves.
So a few months went by and she sends me a facebook message (we weren’t FB friends). She simply wished me a happy birthday. We started messaging each other every couple of days. She had always ridden my ass about porn. She’d even hit me a few times. I took a chance and decided to tell her that she was right about the porn. She drove 6 hours to see me for 2 days.
The first night, I explained to her that I didn’t love her before and that I had used her as a sex toy. I told her that I loved myself, now. And that I was grateful to have a second chance to get to know her, because I had always felt she was amazing. We didn’t have sex the first night. I think this was a test, which I had no problem with. We had a great time fishing. We laughed about all the horrible shit we did to each other. We didn’t talk about any expectations. She left.
She calls me three days later and says that she wants to date again…exclusively. When I brought up issues of hers that needed to be addressed, she was more than willing to talk about it. Instead of attacking and retaliating the way we used to. I feel a sense of deep respect from her, which blows me away. She knows I’m not that weak, pathetic person. She knows that I won’t allow any disrespect or manipulation, nor will I give it.
She talked to her boss and is moving back here in January. Until then, she is planning to see me before Christmas and at New Year’s. It’s also satisfying to know that she has talked to friends in the same circle. And they tell her that I have changed. They don’t know why. But they have seen something different.
I’ve seen people try to re-establish relations with me that I had thought didn’t like me. I’m a compassionate person now. I don’t feel a need to exploit a weaker person. I feel a need to pick that person back up. I don’t expect “thank you” anymore. I reach out to people to let them know that I AM them.
I haven’t felt a sense of adventure like this since I was that 5 year old version of myself, wondering out to the edge of the back yard…wondering what was beyond. When I’m faced with challenges, I no longer think about using PMO to deal. It really frustrates me when I see so many people here that can’t get this. Because I know they can. You can lead the horse to the water, but you can’t make them drink.
If there is one thing that I can tell anyone who really wants this, it is this: Forget willpower. Surrendering is the toughest part of this process. But a very necessary part.
Sorry if this went in so many directions. I just wanted to express my gratitude. Most of you won’t even read something this long.
Thank you Alexander for being courageous and bringing us Nofap.