CAUTION: Sensetive material so please if you’re easy to relapse PLEASE skip to the TL;DR. The story starts with a curious 10 year old boy and a computer. You all know how that goes.
I started early, and I had no idea how much that bit of curiosity would affect the next 9 years of my life. Eventually I was looking a porn and fapping 1-2 times a day. Everyone at school talked about it, and I had even found my dad’s stash so now I had a moral justification. “Well if he’s doing it then obviously it’s okay.”
High School was okay. I was very successful, got good grades, all my teachers loved me, and I’d go to parties every now and then, but I was still very reserved and anti-social. My porn habits had become an addiction, and I was venturing into unhartered territories which eventually became norms. Incest, BDSM, rape. I was watching extreme porn 2-3 times a day and even more on weekends.
Before I turned 18 I lost my virginity, something I’m not really proud of presently. It was meaningless. I couldn’t finish, but I was drunk so I credited my DE to that, unknowingly to what porn had neurologically done to my body. The summer before college was rough. We had moved to a new town and I was home alone for most of the day. I jacked off close to 4-5 times a day, mostly extreme porn.
When college came, I did my best to be social and outgoing. I joined a fraternity and met a few girls but none of them wanted anything significant. I wanted a relationship. I wanted to know what it was like to have a girlfriend. It seemed so nice, so secure, so easy.
As a Catholic around the time of Lent, I tried to give up alcohol, porn, and masturbation (a seemingly impossible task). However, during this process, I got to know a girl. She and I hit it off really quick. We had all the same interests, the same major, the same faith and beliefs. It seemed like a match made in heaven, but I just knew in the back of my mind regardless of how hard I’d try I would fuck it up.
We began dating just four days after we started talking. Unfortunately I had relapsed on porn the same night we officially got together. She was and still is a virgin, which was very enticing given my browsing history. Everything outside the bedroom was great. People looked at us on campus as the perfect couple. We were good in school, we were involved, everything seemed to be great, except for one major thing. I pushed our physical relationship very hard, and when I didn’t get what I wanted, I turned back to porn. Every now and then I’d bring up the idea of watching it together and she’d decline.
One day she caught me watching it and masturbating in her bathroom and she got very upset with me. She could also never get me to finish. I had DE without even realizing it, and it made her upset because I could make her orgasm but she could never return the favor. When she did get me to finish, it always had to be in some extreme scenario (daddy, Bondage, choking, etc.). Eventually I could see she was becoming uncomfortable with how fast things were going and how they were escalating.
When the summer came, we had both agreed to take a break. I still hadn’t thought about quitting. Every now and then when I got horny I’d try and see if she would sext me (always to no avail). Then not a week into summer vacation, she informed me she was getting back together with her ex (the same guy she left to get with me for). I was crushed. Devastated. There were moments in this relationship that were perfect, it always seemed things went wrong when things got physical. And that’s when it hit me…
I had heard of NoFap before, and I frankly scoffed at it. “Why the hell would anyone want to give up porn?” Little did I know that this drug would be the primary factor that ruined such a great relationship. So I decided right then and there to quit for good.
It hasn’t been easy, and frankly the rebooting process has brought upon more anxiety, depression, loneliness and anger than I would have expected. I had always used porn to cope with my emotions, but now I’m dealing with them for real for the first time. Faith has helped me a lot. I’ve also made an effort to exercise once a day, be it swimming, running, or core workout. I’ve also picked up cooking and reading and watching quality TV with my family.
Every now and then I think of her, and what we could be. She’s still with the other guy, but I know that I have changed for the better. I will be two months PMO-free this week, I have lost 15 pounds, and I have a much greater outlook on life. I’m actually thinking about training for an Iron Man and dedicate it all the Fapstronauts out there struggling to overcome this disease (If anybody would be interested in a blog like this, let me know).
As someone who has struggled with this serious addiction for 9 years on a very extreme level, I can only offer you my little bit of advice: Replace the habit. Swap it for something good or you enjoy or will enrich you some way in life. Reading, exercise, cooking…theres only 24 hours in a day. Make every minute count.
Also, I know I kind of ranted about my ex, but only because she’s the one that made me realize that something was wrong. My shit doesn’t stink any worse than anyone else’s. We all go through stuff, some worse than others. I’m very fortunate to have not had to face much hardship, but if anyone needs any help, I plan on being fairly active on this sub from here on out. Thanks y’all, and stay strong!
TLDR: Started at 10, got into some really extreme stuff. Really awesome girl left me for how I was acting it out. Decided to change. Almost 2 months PMO-free. Don’t give up, it gets better and it’s worth it. PM me if you have any questions or need help.