Well, I’ve hit a 60 day milestone in being PMO-free. The first 30 days were very much focused on figuring out an effective path to discontinuing PMO, and the last 30 days I’ve been able to focus on rebooting my marriage – in general and our sex life.
Before starting NoFap, I was on a path where my PMO usage was nearly daily and increasing, and sex in my marriage had dwindled to once a month or less and decreasing. I was very resentful of my wife for various reasons including comparing her to what I was finding in P and P-subs. In the last 30 days, I’ve focused on my wife, appreciating her for her, and I’m rediscovering how beautiful and loving she is.
During sex, I’ve worked on dropping any expectations and just focusing on making her comfortable and feel pleasure. Now I’m feeling like Sex is becoming something she looks forward to, and it’s starting to be about being intimate, rather than ‘frantically working towards an O’ (credit to another fapstronaut I saw use that term). Some great fapstronauts such as @Applehead, @nitsuj0786 , @Howdy Ya’ll , @Sam_ba and others provided advice and encouragement that opened my eyes so widely.
What worked for me to get a good streak going was to physically and mentally disassociate P from M. Before, P would lead to M and vice versa. Double temptation. When I have been tempted to view P, I didn’t allow myself to touch below my waist. When I was tempted to M, I set down all devices went elsewhere.
Looking back, I think the first 30 days (and a two week period before that with frequent relapses) were like my preseason. I was still testing the limits with the components of P,M, and O and trying to figure out what worked for me. I set some extra counters to track my habits and have now been very adherent to NoFap for over 30 days (36 days since viewing P, 37 days since last M, and 47 days since my last self-inflicted O). Onward to at least 90 days, maybe need 120 days.
There’ll be bumps along the road, even so, I’m enjoying the journey towards this new me.
90 days free of PMO. Whew, when i first started NoFap this time-frame seemed so far away, it pained me to even to commit to 7 days free. You’ve seen posts talking about the benefits of being free of porn, some with hyperbole and some exaggeration. Those benefits have been true for me.
It’s not magic or automatic, but I’m on a path to improving in areas i wanted to. Much more confident and decisive in my marriage. Our sex life has became a bit more frequent, and when it does happen, more enjoyable for both of us than it has been in a long time. It i had to name one thing hour for hour I’ve replaced PMO with, it would be exercise. My fitness goals are far off, but I’ve started.
What worked for me to get a good streak going was to physically and mentally disassociate P from M. Before, P would lead to M and vice versa. Double temptation. When I have been tempted to view P, I didn’t allow myself to touch below my waist. When I was tempted to M, i set down all devices went elsewhere.
This might not work for everyone, but the first 30 days or so, i stepped down my use of P by eliminating, in order:
- ‘go to’ videos or intensely triggering formats (stuff I ‘had to’ M to)
- fetishes or certain women checked out of curiosity, but not triggering M
- undeniable P-subs (bikini galleries, etc.) – stuff i’d be pretty embarrassed about if caught looking at
- incidental P-subs (music videos, mainstream movies)
It took me some time along these 90 days to make some big changes like eliminating a mild p0rn stash.
Tools that helped me and i turn to:
In other words, don’t lose hope if you’re can’t face giving up everything all at once, give yourself time during the reboot to trade a bad habit for a better habit. The momentum will build up when you are ready and it becomes easier to see and decide to avoid aspects of P,M,O.
UPDATE – 120 days PMO-free; I feel rebooted
Well, 120 days clean of PMO. I’ve posted before that, in hindsight, the first 30 days or so were like a pre-season where I learned how I needed to give up P and M. Since then, its now been over 90 days since using P or any type of M, or having a self-inflicted O.
I was skeptical about NoFap, a lot of the claims of becoming a new man, of gaining ‘super powers’, of clearing the brain fog, seemed hyperbolic; figured these were the people who had ‘drank the kool-aid’… With the perspective 120 days later, i see the connection. NoFap doesn’t magically do anything, but you clear so much space in your head, and for some of us, literally earn back waking hours per day to become things you wanted but couldn’t find a way. For me, exercising to become fitter, meditating to have a calmer view of life, and engaging much more in my marriage to have a stronger connection.
One of the more salient benefits of quitting PMO I’ve received is an infinite improvement in the sex life in my marriage. My wife and I have had sex more in the four months of this reboot than in any entire year for the better part of two decades. We now spend time giving and receiving pleasure from each other. By just me clearing my mind of P-inspired vision of sex, i’ve been able to slow down and include my wife’s pleasure and bring her to O consistently, something that happened rarely in recent years. My own O is something on a different planet now, it’s no longer only me working towards O, which i would do with M or with real-life sex, but something my wife wants me to have, and happens when we are feeling a close connection. Completely different feeling than PMO.
If you are skeptical of the NoFap adventure, give it a try – a few days, a few weeks. You may just really like what you see in yourself after you do. Good luck.
UPDATE – One year free from PMO
Made it past the one-year mark! 40 year old, married with children. The first thing I’ll say is that I haven’t spent a year at the level I’m at, but have built up to this point. So as my journal attests, I had slip ups and pushed boundaries as i got started. But picture the worst you could be around PMO – choosing in front of a computer screen and mindlessly searching and opening browser tabs for hours to chase that recipe of images that I hoped would make it worthwhile, just to get the few second pulse, and the regretful clean up – choosing that over family, health, work, marriage. Sex life had diminished from around once a month and wasn’t unusual to skip some months. Pretty much because i had no motivation to initiate it.
That’s where I was a bit over a year ago when I chose to set aside PMO. Once the decision was made, it was a struggle to get a streak started, but did that. The first week was a struggle, but completed that. The second week was a struggle, but completed that, and so on. With each new challenge – flatline, temptation to relapse, bargaining to allow only parts of P,M,O – found a coping mechanism here and the strength to continue. The benefits made it worth it and made it where I looked forward to overcoming the challenges – didn’t make them any less real.
The time that I used to throw away on PMO is now funneled into becoming more fit then I’ve been in 20 years, finding more time for my personal activities and hobbies, spending time with family. The sex life in my marriage has increased to 3-4 times a month (and hopefully increasing) My wife and I enjoy sex more, taking much more time during foreplay, completely different experience then when the ever-present reference point in my head was the latest P I had seen.
Wish you all that our on this journey yourselves the same success. Tackle the first week, conquer it, tackle the next week, conquer it, tackle the next urge, and conquer it. Step by step, eventually, you’re going to like what you’ve become!