My name is John and I’d like to tell you a story about addiction. As a young child, I moved from the Philippines to the US with my mother. The struggle of understanding what to do for both my mother and I was quite difficult at that point of time.
Instead of giving me answers, my mom chose to give me material objects instead. I don’t blame her, moving to a different country can be quite the event.
After realizing that part of my life, I then understood why I struggled with anxiety. I was supplied high dopamine hand helds to replace the answers my mother couldn’t give me.
Years go by, life was fine. Sure I was fat, nonathletic, and had to always felt the need to make people laugh.. I was sad… But I didn’t really realize it.. I grew up with an amazing family, made amazing friends, experienced a childhood of happiness…
High school came by. I joined the football team to make friends, and I felt like my big weight could do something else for my image, I’ll be fat AND athletic… and once again, we were always top in state, one of the biggest teams in my state actually. I started on and off. No matter the success, it didn’t do anything to my emotions, by this time in life.. I felt as if I was just gliding through life.
Senior year of high school, that’s when addiction started. I’ve smoked marijuana on and off for years, and this is when it became a habit. I felt as if the only thing that made me feel ‘OK’ was smoking weed. It gave me enough motivation to go to the gym and start my weight loss process. After a month of insignificant improvement, I figured out about amphetamines.
I went from 245 lbs to 160 lbs in a little less than half a year. I lost weight, gained addictions. I binged on adderall, vyvance, ritalin, any kind of uppers.. I believed it would help to keep me skinny. I looked so unhealthy… Further more, it’s crazy though how I could put progress pictures up on social media, and the hundreds of likes just made me feel… good. All I did was workout, and stay on social media. I thought I was having the time of my life at this point in my life.. But no motivation to do anything different once I became content.
- I fell in love with a girl.
- She loved me back. Only for sometime though.
- We never got into any kind of relationship..
- She tried so hard. I couldn’t even see it.
- She slipped away. I lost my best friend. I became depressed.
I didn’t care about my image. I cared about not feeling. I got into any and every kind of drug out there. I liked how they made me feel like I was a god. The only time I could close a girl is when I was on some kind of intoxication. That just lead to poor sex without ever ejaculating. I was lost. This ended up just being a recycling habit of drugs and attempts to find some kind of emotion. I got into the wrong crowds. I did more drugs. I watched more porn. I was at the lowest I’ve ever been.
I went to this music festival late may of last year and met this amazing girl. OK, I was on large doses of LSD, but I don’t know it felt different being with a girl this time. My festival mate was taking up the tent, so we were kind of forced to just kiss under the stars and talk about life… Strange thing is.. I woke up with her still in my arms. No sex. Just cuddles. and for all you psycho naughts out there, you know you don’t sleep on LSD…. She made me feel comfortable.
Months later I decide to visit her. I couldn’t get up to save my life… She was alright with it, we just kissed.. She enjoyed my time, I fell in love with her. That’s when I found out about nofap. It’s been almost 6 months.. crazy too but my life has flipped completely. Who knew all I had to do was stop jerking off to feel the emotional state of happiness? Who knew, that all I had to do was make technology a tool, not a novelty? Who knew that fixing my childhood addictions would help me with my substance abuse, food abuse, depression, etc.