200 days later what has changed and what still needs to change
I wrote this when I reached the 100 days
“I started masturbating when I was 12 and doing it with internet porn at 17 with 19 already felt the consequences.
At college I passed from an A student to someone who was happy to have a D, due to the shitty life I was living, at 26 I still had not finished College so I gave up.
After 3 years without studying and unemployed my PMO habits took over my life. In the last 3 years I used to wake up at 2 pm I drank some coffee and plug the laptop after 1 or 2 hours online I watched 4 or 5 shows and 1 or 2 movies, when everyone was already sleeping around 11 pm, I would go PMO mode until 6 am and then take a shower with the regret and shame of having missed another day. In the work days I wake up 2 hours early to masturbate and spend the whole day feeling tired, if I sleep one night without watching porn and masturbating I would consider it to be lost night. Sleep and repeat that was the last 10 years of my life.
8/27/2018 The day I decided that my life could not continue like that.
“The good thing about hitting rock bottom there’s only one way left to go and that’s up” That day after another PMO session, and consequent regret and shame I decided instead of taking a shower and sleep, I went for a walk. During that walk I realized that I passed all my 20’s jerking off seeing other people having sex, that’s just SAD.
When I arrived I took a shower and started taking action to ensure that I would stay at least one week without PMO.
-I removed the computer from my room and put it on the living room
-I removed the door of my room and put it in the garage (put it back two months later)
-I broke the base where I put the laptop in bed.
-Started searching online information about how to overcome porn addiction, founded the nofap forum and a channel named Porn Reboot, the videos on that channel and the story of a lot of members of this forum have helped me a lot during those 100+ days
Reasons that led me to try this:
-I want to have a family in the near future.
-I’m 29 and I’ve never been in a relationship.
-Living with my parents.
-Anxiety and constant fear of change.
-Loneliness and isolation.
-Constant fear of having someone mess around in my computer.
-I managed to drive people away that I cared about.
-Professionally I’m stuck in a dead end Job
The main reason I have not relapsed yet is I do not think I will be able to do this again in time to still have a life, for me it is too high price to pay for a momentary pleasure.
I know this will not solve all my problems and it will not recover the time I lost but it is steep in the right direction a better future. ”
After another 100 days what has changed:
-I left my old job, I’m doing something that challenges me, I like it.
-My productivity has never been better.
-Less time in front of the computer.
-I sleep well
-The shame is gone.
-I’m not looking forward to being alone at home anymore.
-I spend more time with my family.
-I do not have that fear of having someone using my computer.
-I’m looking to buy a house to get out of my parents’ house.
-I’m not constantly making excuses to not go out with friends.
-I do not fantasize constantly whenever I see an attractive woman.
What still need to change:
When I started I did not have a plan, I ended up with too much time on my hands, not knowing what to do with it.
-I’ve spent a lot of hours at work, doing something better than PMO, but it still no way to live.
-I know what I need to do but I cannot convince my mind that it’s something that needs to change.
-Anxiety in experiencing something new, out of my comfort zone.
-I’m afraid of never having a family, but the fear of being humiliated for trying is greater, and should not be.
-I continue with the craze of wanting to do things perfectly at first, when I know it takes time, try and error and experience to do something well done.
-I need to learn to live, to spend less time in my head evaluating all possible scenarios, which leads me to give up or lose the timing of doing what I wanted to do.
-It’s not enough to stop PMO I need to know what to do next and be willing to do it if my happiness depends on it.
For those of you who are starting now, I can say that with time it becomes easier.
The time you’ve invested in this, was for someone or something you thought was worth it and more important than spending much of your time looking at a screen and jerking off.
It would be a complete waste of time to stop now and take away all the importance of what made you stop PMO at first.
The people and the reasons that led you to stop, do not lose importance.
The only thing that changes is your desire to change.