I did it, 90 days. Ready to answer your questions.
Background: 28 y/o, male, heterosexual. Full family (with a period of separation from ages 7 to 12), father with slightly narc inclinations, some amount of abuse (primarily verbal, emotional) from high-school to about age of 25 (until I began to experience episodes of uncontrolled rage as a response).
Pretty good grades in highschool and university (not technical or mathematical specialty though). Until this Summer – unemployed, was doing some random side jobs (SEO, web design, construction worker, packaging, etc).
Hobbies – art business, cannot tell more. Currently live with parents.
Sexual history: First sexual experience at the age of 7, introduction to mo/pmo ~12-14 y/o. Active user of p until 24. Since that age I was attempting nofap, pretty halfsa**ed though (my record was ~50 days). Some fooling around at 24-26 (no intercourse). At the age of 26 for several times I tried sex with a very attractive woman, PIED. Pain was real.
Emotional state during pmo period: all of the classics, depression, numbness, suicidal thoughts, paranoia, social anxiety, no self-esteem for years. Like, slightly more blackpilled and isolated Doomer. PMO was the only “good, great and rewarding” thing in life, even if I was ashamed after some instances of pmo.
Physical health during pmo period: PIED, varicocele, prostate inflammation, testicular torsion (with risk of losing one of my testicles), an episode of insane Renal colics (due to unhealthy prostate), no (almost none) morning wood/spontaneous erections since age 19.
90-days Journey: First week – first struggle (testosterone peak). Flatline at week 2-4. Since about 30 days mark I was free from physical addiction, but instead started to encounter the real, psychological addiction. As if my old reward circuit was fading, but the new one was not fully established. After 80 days – huge depression, binged to porn, endured. Overall about 3 wet dreams.
Why I used pmo in my past: I was viewing the world only as unbearably opposing and hostile environment, hating myself and my body. Porn was making me happy, It was almost a protest against the world – “I can be anybody and I can have relationship with any woman I want”.
What improved: Since my previous 56-days streak, I found full-time job in SEO. Now I have my own personal income, social circle, and some “external” daily routine. Currently planning to save up some money to move out and rent an apartment by March-April.
- Clean mind. You start to see reality as it is. It is scary, but it is real.
- Ability to accept an endure suffering of life rather than to cope or run from it. Accept your flawed state – and start to help yourself.
- Urge to seek social interaction, feeling of “openness” to connect with people (the craziest thing).
- No need for p or even fantasy to stimulate myself. Natural morning wood and spontaneous erections. I can get excited just by an eye contact with female, or if she is just sitting close to me. It is subconscious trigger. Tried m (no orgasm) – I can just keep going by concentrating on pleasure itself, no imagination needed.
- Understanding that body needs improvement too, and that it is not opposed to mind. Disciplined and trained body is a very important ally.
What to improve: Still struggle to identify myself, my past and future. Figured I should make baby steps and appreciate the moment.
What helped the most: “Enchiridion” by Epictetus, 3+ years of huge amount of research based around nofap and masculinity.
Doubts, problems: Some self-doubts. Don’t know if I should start dating, I’m still in process of making my life sensible. No ambition or protest against world – somehow I’m ok with being just a regular guy.