I want to describe my experience because I rarely see it posted here. I’m here to tell you something a lot of us elders know, but don’t necessarily articulate.
Look, 90 days is an amazing goal. It’s the gold standard. I’ve seen it change a lot of lives over the years and I encourage you to fight for it. But some of us get really obsessed with the number, and then the fight becomes more about the number than about your individual growth. That can lead to depression.
You don’t need a 90 day streak to change your life. You just need to commit to NoFap as a lifestyle.
Some background on me: Fapper and P user since I was 12 and it quickly became a daily addiction. My childhood was brutal. Lot of abuse. Lot of hard experiences. Sex was a stunted, scary thing for me.
Porn covered all my pain up, made me someone addicted to indirect confrontation, validated that I should be manipulative to get what I want. It kept me in a place where I believed I should both idolize and hate women. It numbed me to life’s ups and downs. Friends bullied me. Girlfriends didn’t respect me. I was self-conscious about my dick size. I was bullied into losing my virginity. I wasn’t that attentive in bed.
Lots of invisible scars. And thankfully lots of time to work on them.
I continued fapping until the end of 2013, when I was 21. By then I was so suicidal and depressed over a fuckup that I physically couldn’t masturbate or open up a computer to watch porn. I made it some 20 days. Then my life slowly changed. I was in college then. Grades were meh. Never stood up for myself. I dumped P for about 8 months, then 7 months. I fapped roughly once a month. The benefits from that:
– Went from semesters averaging a 3.0 to a 3.8 GPA;
– Girls were into me;
– I smiled more;
– I hiked more, had more energy, less judgment, less idolizing.
But my childhood was still coming up. If this is happening to you, be patient. It’s part of the process. It’s stuff that’s been trying to make itself known the whole time.
I’d make some of the same mistakes repeatedly and each time I noticed new ways my mentality over girls was stunting me. This is when I realized I could turn my mistakes into lessons. Whenever I fapped, it was an opportunity to look at what made me do it. What was happening in my life? What were my thoughts beforehand/afterwards? What was my body feeling?
After I graduated college with a respectable GPA, I kept pushing. I was running a startup. I traveled the world. And then I realized I needed to leave my company even though I was doing a lot better with it, so I did. Took a bunch of odd jobs. Struggled. Learned to enjoy things for the first time in my life. Eating. Reading. Walking. Working in a backyard. Being okay with where I am. Developing new habits.
Sitting with my thoughts only to discover I’m not such a monster after all. I’ve made my sexuality mine
My benefits today:
– Moved out to my own place with a roommate. We live in an amazing spot.
– Incredible friends, including several super-close ones. No one tells you how empowering it is to be able to give to others. It’s not just about getting things from them.
– Traveled the US and Canada by train last year for 90 days. I randomly met beautiful people, heard extraordinary stories, explored new places, hooked up with girls. The stereotypical crazy trip.
– I’m writing a book that’s finally almost done. (I started writing it on that train ride, it was my main motivation for going on it. Best decision I’ve ever made.)
– Have a job where I set my own hours, and even though I dislike the job I’m grateful it lets me do what I want and lets me have a great lifestyle.
– Relationship with parent is way better.
– Much happier, I’m stable, I’m confident, able to hold others’ emotions and give them space to feel safe and be themselves.
– Articulate, easy-going, my memory is much better than it used to be. Virtually no fatigue.
– Dating lots right now and it’s great.
– My body is SO much more sculpted than it was. I’m almost all muscle now. Redid my look — new haircut, new clothes, new walk, deeper voice, bolder personality. Still an introvert, but I’m thrilled by connection, even when it’s at big parties. I show up to parties by myself and meet as many people as I can. Just went home with a girl at the last one I went to. Wonderful night.
– I last forever in bed, don’t need to come to enjoy the night. It makes me happy to make girls happy.
And again, I have to reiterate, I HAVE NEVER MADE NINETY DAYS. I made it 83 days once and then I blew it. Porn comes up from time to time and I still ask myself why, and I still work harder for next time.
What I do/don’t do these days:
– I don’t do porn blockers.
– I take low-dose naltrexone, which has helped.
– I meditate 2x/day.
– I work out 5x/week.
– I write every day.
– I talk to someone every day.
– I spend time alone every day.
– I cook healthy meals, mostly vegetarian/fish.
– I’ve cut down dramatically on TV/video games.
The amount my life has changed with incremental gains is crazy to me. I’m not at all the person I was when I started. My consistent amount I fap per month these days is about 7x, including with P (it’s not always with P). If I do it twice in a day, I count that as 2x, so it’s often 5 days out of the month that I fap, usually clumped together as part of the chaser effect. (Definitely a real thing.)
Still: I’ve won. Porn can’t take the life I’ve already lived away from me. If you count all the days I haven’t fapped since I started this journey, It’s easily over a thousand days. It adds up. Not as good as long streaks, but listen — do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
tl;dr: Never give in. Never give in. Never give in.