Today is the official day where i hit 150 days without any pornography. So I thought it would be good to write a reflection piece. I started quitting my addictions at the end of april, 2017. I was 19 at the time, and little did I know, I was a major addict to a lot of things without me even realizing it. I was addicted to video games, nicotine, porn and masturbation.
I was a just a kid who would stay at home all day and play video games. Not a very cool life, but I felt awesome and cool at the time, because of the overwhelming amounts of dopamine in my brain as well as the internet being my main source of socializing.
I decided to change my life for the better, because one day, it clicked that I cannot sustain this lifestyle forever. At the end of april, i made a promise to myself I would never touch cigarettes again. And for the next three months, i thought that promise was the worst mistake i have ever made. I went through the worst withdrawal imaginable, and yet, i managed to pull through.
After the storm had calmed down, i decided to quit watching pornography. Why? Because I was an addict. Pornography led me down a dark path, I was messing around with prostitutes (lost my virginity to one) my porn habits and fetishes slowly got worse and I saw no good way out of it. So I quit, went through another three months of insomnia, cold sweats and intense anxiety, and today, even though my fight is not over, i seem to have a good grasp on controlling my desires.
So how do I feel now after all these battles? In truth, i am exhausted. I found that once the artificial dopamine clears, its not always happy land and redemption on the other side. Every emotion comes up to the surface, the shame you’ve been hiding, the mistakes you have made in the past, your flaws, your bodily issues. Everything comes to the surface, and I find myself today desperately grasping for strategies to relieve myself of these emotions of the past.
I feel like this is the endgame of my healing. I peeled off all the onion and I have gotten to the root of the problem. And I am so happy that I get the chance to fix myself, for real this time. I must stay vigilant, I must realize I am human that is prone to mistakes. And one day, maybe, I’ll wake up in the morning, smile with the confidence of a man who really changed his life for the better.
I just finished a 100 days of gym, and now I am doing 100 days of dance! I like dance a lot more than working out tbh, and also. I made meditation a part of my life as well. Other things that have helped me are friends, therapy, and writing.
[Meditation works] Surprisingly well. It works best when you are urging or anxious. Calms you right down, and even if it doesnt. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I do it in the morning to remind myself not to lose track of what im fighting for.
Withdrawal = nicotine by FAR. Post-acute withdrawal = fap is worse. I find that nicotine is a foreign substance you can just quit and never touch again. However, fap is part our sexuality. If nicotine is like alcohol, fap is like junk food, we need food in our lives, just healthy stuff right? But sometimes, you just want that micky D’s at 1 in the morning. Just because you are hungry and need a quick fix.
Thats what fap is to my overall sexuality. The urges are not going away as easily as cigarettes.