I was very happy and outgoing as a kid. I never knew what went wrong at the age of 12-13. I started to be quiet, unhappy and numbed. I was like this all the way until a few months ago. My personality changed at the same time I discovered fapping and I had been doing it every day since that.
I’ve gone 135 days porn free with a few softcore relapses.
First let’s talk about my only porn relapse. I went into a trance that I had never ever experienced and just could not stop. I watched my hardcore fetish porn that I’ve been watching every day for years.
My brain got into a total tilt and I felt so high that I never felt like this. I thought only drugs can affect you like this. I could not sleep all night after relapsing having suicidal thoughts and huge anxiety (never had this before). What I learned from this is that I was very deep into that shit not to get this kind of symptoms before. I obviously had rebooted.
So now about the benefits:
– Depression cured.
I feel like a kid again: I always used to wonder why people wanted to have hobbies, go for a walk, go to the gym, look for a partner. It was all nonsense to me and I NEVER had good days.
I thought I was not depressed but introverted and clever. That’s some complete bullshit. Introvertion seems to be caused by numbed pleasure response, not how you naturally are. I am no longer introverted – socializing actually feels awesome.
– Social anxiety cured.
When I was at day 5-7 on my journey, I noticed something that just never happened before. I no longer got adrenaline rush when talking to people. I no longer was mumbling. It was no more difficult to have eye contact. Magic had happened overnight.
As mentioned above, social confidence and desire to socialize go hand in hand. So I actually did not even need this benefit until now, because I never ever felt like socializing.
– Heightened senses
I noticed something very strange after a while on NoFap – colors looked brighter and more beautiful. Soon I realized that all my senses were heightened and that PMO does not only numb feelings but also your senses.
In the past everything looked black and white and I was all the time in my own head not noticing what happened around me. I was walking around like a numbed robot not feeling or sensing anything.
Now I can really enjoy the little things in life. Things smell better, food tastes better and music sounds so much better than before.
I feel like a kid again. It’s hard to describe but I had no idea how you really could lose your ability to enjoy everyday activities by just doing PMO.
– I started to smile
My mom said she never seen me smiling since I was 13 years old and now she is wondering how I am smiling all the time. I did not tell her about nofap. Honestly, I never smiled before. I just could not. I don’t know why. I never had free and genuine laughs until I was drunk.
Now I have a problem of smiling too much in the public. I sometimes have to pull my phone in order to pretend like as if I was seeing something funny on the screen.
– I have the ultimate motivation to get things done:
Any amount of work was too much for me in the past. I just could not understand how people would have enough self discipline to get things done and how on earth they had the motivation to wake up early every morning.
I was struggling badly with studies as I lacked motivation. I could never concentrate well. I would have that horrible thing called brain fog.
Now it is different. I have the ultimate motivation and self discipline to get things done in time and I feel rewarded when working hard. I can focus like never before.
– No more struggles with other addictions
I have had serious problems with alcohol use. I was drinking only once a week but I would every time drink until I blackout. I had absolutely no control, just severe urges to drink more and more.
I constantly thought that it is alcohol that makes me depressed. I believed I just had bad genes with alcohol so I could not use it in moderate. I was constantly trying to give up alcohol for a month but I was never able to be sober for more than 3 weeks.
Every time, even when drinking with friends, I would drink alone. Socializing was just an excuse to drink so much that I could black out once again.
What happened quickly after quitting porn was magical: no more urges to drink. What was brilliant is that I quickly found out that I could actually be a social drinker, enjoy the conversation and drink slowly. I no longer have the urge to be drunk.
I also got rid of the fast food addiction. I got rid of the internet addiction. The awesome thing is that overcoming the addictions required no effort. It just happened naturally as porn was the primary addiction of all and by quitting it I became sensitized to dopamine.
So basically back the days when I PMOed every day, I was desperately trying to separately fight each of my addiction and problem but nothing ever worked. The problem was that I was constantly having low dopamine due to heavy PMO use so that I would compulsively seek for all dopamine rising activities.
I believed that I had lost the genetic lottery by being a numbed, depressed introvert who also had the alcoholic genes. Nothing seemed to work for me. Now I understand that all addictions are connected and if you get rid of the primary addiction, you have already won all of them.
It’s unbelievable how I never could see what the problem really was. It’s sad how I wasted my youth. But there’s hope for tomorrow.