Because today I hit 100 days I thought to share my story with you. Like so many I discovered PMO when I was 12 years old. At first it felt amazing, it was one of the most pleasurable things to do. If only I knew back then how doing this affected me negatively in so many ways.
I always was a fatter than average kid that looked very feminine. When I was younger I got bullied, which was a very painful experience. To numb the pain I found comfort in junk food and video games, and then later PMO. I was addicted to World of Warcraft so from 11-14y/old I spent most of my time in front of a screen, playing games, fapping and binge eating.
At 15 I decided to quit gaming because I wanted a more social life. I started going out with friends in the weekends and tried alcohol for the first time. Where I live the legal age for drinking beer is 16 years old (I know, it’s fucked up). Progressively I drank more and I also discovered cannabis in this time. The high I got was amazing. I used to experiment with cannabis with some friends from school. We became very good friends, back then this was one of the best times in my life, but I didn’t know what I was doing to myself by smoking cannabis, drinking alcohol and fapping at this age. I destroyed my reward system while my brain was in a developmental stage.
In 2012, one of my close friends died very suddenly due to a heart problem that was never discovered by doctors. He was doing a basketball camp and trained very intensely, which caused damage to his heart. That night he died in his sleep. The day before we were at his house, having fun and smoking weed and the next day he was gone.
This was an enormous shock for me, it was so unreal. To numb the pain I drank more alcohol, smoked weed and fapped more.
When high school was done (18y old at this time), all of my friends went to university. I never found any education that really interested me, so I decided to go to cookery school. This was adult education, only a few hours each week, so I spent a lot of time at home. I grew more isolated from my friends from high school because of the weed addiction. I was fine with just smoking joints at home. At the end of that year I decided that I wasn’t going to cookery school next year, but I had no idea what to do then. At this point, I was smoking so much and strong weed that it started making me stressed. Eventually I had panic attacks after smoking. Slowly I realized that the weed was causing this and that I had to stop with it.
When I quit I fell in a severe depression. I didn’t have a lot of other things in my left except for smoking weed. My main activity was taken away.
Since then I am recovering from this depression and anxiety. Before these 100 days I was still using porn and fapping. I would say that I was never super addicted, but still used it almost daily, so I guess you could say I was addicted. When I found out about NoFap and YBOP, I began to investigate. It immediately made sense to me and I knew that I had to stop using. I never relapsed. Not saying this to brag, I was just very determined to stop this habit. The first weeks were very hard. I realize now that fapping during my puberty diminished my masculinity and took away my motivation to find a real girlfriend. My sexuality got conditioned to making love with my hand, watching virtual women. Looking back I see how pathetic this is.
I’m 21 now, never had a girlfriend, never even kissed a girl. To know now that PMO was the main cause of this is frustrating and that by itself gives me enough determination to never use this poison ever again.
As you can see, when I was a teenager I was a pleasure seeker. I never thought about my future a lot, I was always looking for the next high; junk food, alcohol, weed, video games and porn. I destroyed my reward system and now I have to repair the damage. I have made a lot of progress since I fell into depression 2y ago but still struggling.
I don’t want to sound like a victim of my story, I carry responsibility for my situation now. I am picking up the pieces and trying to move on.
I don’t feel a lot of the benefits from the hard mode yet, I think I need more time. I know that in the end this will pay off.
For the younger fapstronauts, please quit now, as soon as possible. I regret finding out about the effects of porn on the brain so late. But I’m grateful that I know it now instead of in 10 years.
TL;DR: Person with destroyed reward system from porn, video games, alcohol, weed and junk food trying to repair his brain after years of abuse.
Thanks for reading
[Recovery]It mostly is a big emotional rollercoaster. Short periods of flatline with very low energy, then urges and high energy. Keeps changing between those 2.
Main things I notice are more facial hair, healthier eyes, more muscle, bigger penis (seriously) and fat loss.
In the end 100 days is just a beginning after years of porn use, I think I need a year to fully recover.
LINK – 100 days report